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Author Topic: Am I Losing My Mind????

June 07, 2019, 03:40:21 PM
Read 893 times


I am in a situation I can't seem to see any way other than in favor of me being right.  I don't like to think I am infallible, and I know I am not.  I could definitely use some objective opinions here.

Here are the facts to make this easy to read:

- We have been together 10 years.  I am 48, she is 44.

- We share an amazing 7 year old daughter

- I am a corporate executive and work normal business hours with light travel and make a decent living, but we live in Southern California, so decent is really just middle class here.

- She is a stay at home mom who also collects permanent disability from a mental illness (bipolar)

- She insists on keeping our finances separate, and we have the arrangement of I pay for all utilities and housing expenses, I pay car payments, I pay all insurances (medical, car, homeowners, etc) for all three of us, I pay for all vacations and all entertainment, I pay all school expenses.  She does the grocery shopping and pays for that.  She also cleans the house some, not all, and does most of the laundry.  That's kind of the split of how we handle things.  I basically have no money left after covering everything except I do get a quarterly bonus that provides some extra cash but not much.  She has about $1,000 left over every month and always seems to have no issue having money for anything she wants.

- Recently I had to go to the doctor for myself. My insurance covered most of what I needed to have done, but I was left with a mix of co-pays and deductible payment that came to a total of about $2,500.  That came entirely out of my pocket and those things were not elective, they were important to my health.  However, in that period, while I have been paying just in mortgage payment alone almost $3,500 per month for a house that she complains weekly is not big enough for the three of us, I needed some help this one month in keeping the mortgage current to the tune of $1,200.  I was very nervous to have to ask her, but I did and she gave me the money.

- That was six weeks ago and another payment has come due and I paid it.  I asked her to give me until the end of July when another quarterly bonus comes in to pay her the $1,200 back, but a large part of me feels I shouldn't even have to pay it back that it should be totally okay that she actually contributed this once when I needed her too.  She doesn't see it that way - she feels I need to do whatever I have to, even maybe getting a loan, to pay her back immediately. She feels waiting this six week period has already been too much to ask.

- But wait, there's more.  She is also a recent survivor of cancer.  Thankfully she is cancer free and doing well now for the last two years, but during the period of her treatment I ran up bills well into six figures that I have either paid in full or have gone into debt to make sure they were covered.  She has absolutely ZERO debt from this, and I have not EVER asked her to compensate me one dime for this.  In fact, I never even bring it up.  Right here on this forum is the first time I have ever "said" one word about it.  I have just felt it was a cost that needed to be paid and it was for my family who I love, so I did it.  But, the credit situation it has put me in has been tough.  My scores are just now beginning to recover into the 600's, but my credit score had dipped as low as 486 during the whole mess while trying to keep it all together and also care for an amazing toddler at the time daughter.

- So now today with a quarter of a tank of gas, $92 in my checking account until payday on the 15th of the month, and having not eaten lunch this week while at work to conserve money mostly because I will need gas again to get to work next week, she has announced to me via text that until I pay her back in full for what she helped me with, she will not speak to me and is considering taking our daughter to her parents' house and the two of them staying there until I can sort out our finances so that this would never happen again.

- So you're fully aware, in San Diego, my income of right about $100k per year gross is barely enough to get by, but the two of us combined if we worked as a team would be not rich, but a little more on the side of okay.

Even reading what I am typing here I feel silly - like how could I be wrong about this, but for her to act so severely here I feel like I must be either missing something in my actions, or she has some ulterior motive, but I really don't think that's it.  I just think she's incredibly selfish.  I'd love to hear some thoughts on this as I am at my wit's end.

June 09, 2019, 01:37:07 AM
Reply #1


To me it sounds like you are correct in thinking that she is being unreasonable and selfish. No offense to your wife.

June 10, 2019, 02:54:17 PM
Reply #2


Regardless of everything else that you said, if she can't realize that you spent six figures on her cancer treatment and that you spent significantly less on your health procedures, then she is wildly selfish.

I would reply back and say, "I spent X amount of dollars on you for your cancer treatment. I expect that money by the end of the week". Obviously she won't have the money and will hopefully realize her mistake.

If she makes an excuse after that, then it will be a hard call for you of what you want to do with your future together.

June 10, 2019, 05:08:51 PM
Reply #3


I appreciate the replies guys.

I think the real issue for me in thinking of what could happen if I began the process to end things between us is the fall out for my daughter and myself.  I can't imagine not having her with me every day as she is now and has been. Plus I think it would break her heart to see her parents part.  If she were not in the picture, this would be an easy choice I think, but having her in the middle complicates it infinitely.


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