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Author Topic: 7.5 year relationship messed up. Can I (28M) salvage it?

April 04, 2020, 04:45:38 PM
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Hey all, I am hoping to get some advice or help from you. I'm hoping you all will understand where I'm coming from.

Background- My Ex-Girlfriend (26F) and I (28M) broke up about a month and a half ago but lived together for about 6 years up until a month ago. We dated for 7.5 years. We met in college, me a sophomore, her a freshman. We dated throughout college and lived together for about half of it. Luckily, we only lived 30mins apart from each other in our hometowns so during the summers we could see each other easily. For about 8 months I was working in Chicago while she finished up school about 4hrs away. I got a job in our colleges town and then we found a house to move into together. The neighborhood, we later found out, was not what we wanted so we found a house to move into in a much better neighborhood. That was the last house we lived in together.

Details- When we first started dating life was amazing, no worries or issues. Throughout the years distance took a toll on us and so did stress of jobs and life. I started to get very serious in my career and moved jobs a couple of times due to contracts ending or promises that were never met from the employers, all of these moves were still in the same metro area. While all this was going on, we talked about marriage and the future. We went randomly ring shopping one day and she found one she loved. I made note of it and kept every detail about the ring, even to this day. After this there was not much talk about marriage. I will be honest, about a year before the breakup I had planned everything out. Where, when and how I was going to propose to her. I will tell you with 100% certainty that I wanted and still do want to marry this woman. Throughout all this our communication has been an issue and we’ve tried to work on it. She was pretty bad at communicating and I wasn’t terrible, but It started to seem like I was the one bringing up any issue or problem where she would mostly stay silent. I should’ve realized this was going on, but I did not. I am a person that if you tell me I’m doing something wrong I will try my best to fix it. The problem was she was not communicating many of these issues which, as you could imagine, took a huge toll on our relationship. I was so distracted with work and trying to get into a stable company, stable workloads and somewhere that paid well enough for me to cover my/our bills. That’s where I messed up. I didn’t realize that by focusing so much on work that I unintentionally let my girlfriend and everything else go to the wayside. It was recently pointed out to me, by a friend, that when I focus on something, I tend to push other things aside. I now know this, and it hit me like a brick. About a year before the breakup it all slowly started to fall apart and I, being oblivious/stupid, did not realize it until it was too late.

After we broke up, we lived together for another couple of months while she found a place to live that she could afford. During this time, we had a big heart to heart several nights in a row. Now, she told me I am hard to talk to because she didn’t want to hurt my feelings. I told her that, sure, that is understandable but, in the end, the ultimate hurt of breaking up is much more pain than small issues over time. She ended up telling me all the problems she had with me and anything that bothered her. Here’s the catch… If I knew about 98% of these issues, we could’ve fixed them, and I say that with confidence. She had told me about her not feeling fully satisfied in bed and I made sure to change what I was doing and listen to what she wanted/needed. We ended up having sex one last time and she said that what I did was exactly what she wanted. I was hoping that she might realize that if she told me problems, I can and will fix them. A lot of the things she said, I told her that what she was assuming was incorrect and that she was doing is more than enough to make me happy. I reassured her that all she needed to do was talk to me. I also found out while she was telling me all the problems that, she wanted to get married after 3 years of dating. Now, we’re both to blame on this one. This is the first time I heard this timeframe in our whole relationship. I’m to blame because I should’ve realized this and picked up on hints, but she also should’ve been more vocal about it because I have told her many times that I do not pick up on hints.

But what’s done is done. Right now, she lives about 30 minutes from me and wants to be friends but wants her distance which I completely understand. I have sat down, thought about everything at a rational level and talked it over with a very close friend of mine that knows her and I. I can say that I 100% want to marry her and I still love her with all my heart. I love her weirdness, her attitude, her work ethic, her smile and so much more. I would move mountains for this woman, and I would do anything to earn her love back.

I have never seen myself with anyone else but her and frankly, I don’t want to. I hate doing life without her, I hate waking up and going to bed without her and I’m honestly a little lost. I’ve learned that the job I have, the house we’re in and the ring that I would’ve given her didn’t matter. What mattered was that we were together, and we were happy. I let a lot get in my way, trying to make everything perfect when I should’ve realized nothing is perfect.

I come here today asking for advice, wisdom and knowledge. I know I messed up and I know I can’t change that past, but I know I can change the future. I’m really hoping to make her apart of it. Please feel free to ask questions, at this point, I am an open book and have nothing to hide.

TL/DR- Dated my Ex-Girlfriend for 7.5 years and messed up. I still love her to death and want advice on how/where I should go with this.

April 05, 2020, 03:33:11 PM
Reply #1


Hi Daven75!

It seems like you truly love her and want to have a future with her. I know life happens, feelings and needs evolve and communication didn't work much for you two but when I read your post, I just don't understand why you two broke up. If you could tell us more? Because the lack of communication, can actually evolve in a better way. You broke up for a reason, I don't get the latter. 
If she gave you hints about getting married, if you didn't get them is that (for me) she didn't communicate them properly. For me you can't be aware of everything and every little details that your love one try to communicate with you, if those are just signs. 
"wants to be friends but wants her distance": I think maybe giving it some time, for her to know if she really wants to move on or she would/could get back together with you. The healing process of a break up is hard and everyone needs time and overcome it differently.
I think relationship stops when one of the person stop trying to make it work. Clearly, you love her and I think you should ( don't know witch moment would be the perfect time for you) tell her how you feel and what you want to do about your feelings, if you want to act on them or waiting for her to know what she wants.
If I may ask, since when you two broke up?

Live. Just live.

April 12, 2020, 04:25:57 PM
Reply #2


It really depends, if she's already over the relationship then I don't think there's any winning her back. But if she's not over it and still loves you romantically - of course there's a chance of salvaging it. I would say just be open with her about your feelings (you've got nothing to lose!). I agree with what has been said above - it's impossible to know what a person is thinking and it's hard to pick up hints if they're not very big or obvious - I know this myself as I'm terrible at reading people and picking up hints.

Open up about your feelings, tell her how you feel and ask her to open with you too! Ask her if you can work it out! I hope it all goes well for you.

April 25, 2020, 03:12:51 AM
Reply #3

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April 26, 2020, 10:58:24 PM
Reply #4


Hey Daven75,

I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. My very first girlfriend and I had a similar situation. I was basically neglecting her to get my life together and working a lot for both her and I. Unfortunately she didn't see it that way. She preferred that I was around more for her emotionally. She said the rest would work itself out. She ended giving me an ultimatum, either I give her the attention she needs or she will find it from someone else. I'm really hoping that is not the case with you. I've always been a strong believer in communication. Have you ever just come out and asked her if she is seeing or talking to someone else? If she is not then I feel there is still hope for you two. However if she is talking to someone else then it may be too late. Sorry to be so blunt. I hope the best for the both of you.

September 05, 2020, 11:32:11 PM
Reply #5


Well, i am a girl so i understand girls need attention. Because girls live with more emotions than guys. Girls appreciate what man did for them in order to achieve a better life but girls value more on details like caring stuffs that man did.

I see there is still a chance in your relationship. Just give each other some space first then it would come back in one day probably.

All the best.

September 06, 2020, 02:31:14 PM
Reply #6


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