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Author Topic: Please help, hitting the wall now..

April 06, 2019, 02:21:08 PM
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Amam



I decided to write because my love/personal situation got extremely complicated and this is probably the first time in my life I really don't know what to do.
I met The Guy almost 5 years ago, it was like a freaking romantic comedy. We met at the airport, he was just standing there and looking at me, while I was speaking with my friend and he realized I'm from Poland as well and he just approached me. We were kids at the time, both 22. He was the kind of guy, you know - a bit full of himself, a bit cocky, like a lot of guys that age. I was shy, insecure, really full of complexes, and I was just asking myslef what did he see in me. I don't want to go through all the details of this 5 years, but yes, you can imagine how people in their early 20's are - full of drama ;) I was really in love (I still am). Nothing changed for me for almost 5 years. But he had the biggest issues - the first one was he wasn't kinda ready (despite promising that he cares about me) and the second one was distance - he was travellling because of his degree and later I also started travelling and moving a bit. He was approaching me a lot - when we were still in Poland (living in different cities), he called me a lot, we talked for hours, about everyting. But I was slowly dying inside, because as much as I loved him, the distance, and him still figuring out what he wants - it was killing me. I stopped looking at his facebook, I delated the number... The guy never left. Even when months past, he always found a way to reach me. Don't get me wrong - for all this time, I was dating, I was going out, I gave chances to other men.
Then life happened - right now we are both almost 27, and we are working professionals (this is really important to the story) - I'm a PhD student here in Poland, he left to UK to pursue his vet practise and his still in training as a professionalist. We have 2h by plane to each other. First time I visited him 1,5 years ago and I'll be brutally honest - shit hit the fan. Again, talk about relationship (I wasn't acting pretty, I suddenly became a needy and pushy girl, and I'm not that type...) - he said there haven't been a day that he didn't think about me. That I'm always on his mind, how beautiful and amazing I am. But he also said he's scared of long distance because he thinks he's capable of hurting me... Also at that time he wasn't in a good situation, because he was trying to change a job and a city in UK, we were both under a lot of stress. This time I decided, for my sanity - I need to cut this. I seriously blocked everything, I told him I can't go on like this. I started dating someone, I did an internship abroad. But AGAIN - he found a way to reach me. We have this kind of "telepathy" - he always texts me when there's something wrong with me, even if I don't text for 3 months... I realized that as much as it hurts me to have him around like this, it hurts even more not to have him at all. We talked, we texted, but I was a bit distanced this time. A week ago I decided to go to UK to spend a week with him. I will be honest - I didn't expect "I love you" or other stuff, but I can see how he matured in this 5 years. Suddenly he started talking about me coming more often to UK and that he wants to change his working hours so he will be able to come to Poland and see me. He also confessed not dating anything since he's in UK, that he misses me a lot, that I'm always running away etc... (like, WHO runs away? Duh, guys...). I decided not to be pushy or push him into any confessions. But for the whole week I was just listening how perfect, smart, beautiful I am...
And here we come to the main problem. My boss wants me to transfer to US (!) to finish my PhD, I should leave country at the end of August this year. It's not a lot of time. He knows I will probably leave, because I mentioned it a long time ago, but he's not aware that it will be soon. And we're talking PhD - if I will be lucky, 2,5 years - 3 years. And suddenly I have him, for the first time, showing some commitment. Changing his work schedule for me? After I left he texted me he that he needs to find something to minimalize the depression after I left. I don't know what should I do now, because suddenly, my stupid brain is counting him into the equasion of my life. I know I need to tell him that there's time till end of August. But what should I do? Aks him about us? What he wants to do with us? I don't want to be the pushy type, but I kinda need to know, because it's killing me right now... He said this is a big chance for me. He also has uncertain work situation, because he confessed he doesn't know yet if he's staying in UK for his specialty (another 2-3 years, like me). I do love him, with all my heart. And I need some answers. But I'm also being realistic - it's a huge distance, and I can't expect from ANYBODY to wait (although I am willing to). Should I talk to him about my feelings? I don't want to scare him... Even a thought of loosing him makes me cry and I just can't breathe. I do know people who survived that kind of stuff, but I really don't know what he wants to do with us... I know he would never stand in the way of achieving my dreams - it goes both way, I'm not going to say "leave UK, go with me".
My best friend said if it's meant to be, it will be - but right now it's not enough.... Again - ask him about us? I know I need to confess that we have 5 months...
Much love,
A.