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Author Topic: Why Did the Flame Die Out? What am I Doing Wrong? Am I Clinging to a Dead Hope?

June 25, 2019, 01:06:39 AM
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Hello everyone, it's very nice to meet you. I want to apologize in advance for an essay but, this has all been on my heart for a while, and it covers a 4 year history (thank goodness :) ). For any of those who push on reading to provide an advice, I appreciate it to the bottom of my heart. Thank you.

So to start with a little backstory, I am in my young 20s who recently had a birthday this month of June, a relationship anniversary same month and a couple days after my birthday and -as mentioned before- we made 4 years this year, yay! We met online on a dating app after my first year of college (2015). The relationship started off interestingly enough ( I was a tease, flirt, not too serious because i was never in a relationship before and didn't know how to believe/accept compliments due to life long self-esteem issues. He apparently just got out of his first relationship before meeting me as the girl broke up with him on his birthday a month before) and within 2-3 weeks of talking on skype i realized  I was falling for him hard, and thus confessed my feelings. He shockingly felt the same way and we began dating long distance.Despite us being nearly 1000 miles apart, the first year or two were blissfully honeymoon-ish.

Back then he used to text me daily- while i played hard to get- with funny memes, flirtatious paragraphs of romance, good morning texts and plenty of skype dates to keep it all interesting while we learnt more of each other. Even when i started back school we kept at it, skyping when i had down time from classes and he had breaks at work. When we hit our six month anniversary ( I know, one of those couples lol, but we didn't take it too seriously) and i was still up in my dorms, he mailed me a promise ring and a cute bear with a confession of his love and wanting me to really be his. Trust me i was in tears at the gesture and wore that ring everywhere. Sadly, i didn't last in that degree program due to lack of interest and I ended up dropping out of college at the end of the semester. I then spent a good year at home doing nothing. It was bad for me mentally at the time but we didn't know. With all my down time, we had free time for skype dates. Which worked at the time very well (side note, I still live with my family then and no one knew i was in a relationship. I kept it hidden all those years). However towards the end of that down year I was growing restless and feeling quiet useless. My amazing bf got struck with luck and got a new job in another company with better pay, but more hours. He grew his social network and was really making a comeback for himself. I was stuck at home being a fatass, so i decided in early 2017 I would go back to school. And i did, locally. This is where things began changing.

In school again and embarrassed for my failures in life I really wanted to work hard and rededicate myself to some type of purpose. We talked a-lot early in our relationship of marrying one another and how we think of each other of soulmates back then in our skype dates. We overcame a lot, especially with me being a shockingly emotional woman and having weird mood swings and it all being LD. There were also some personal family issues that really stressed me out and made things hard on my end but we pulled through as a couple. We had our fights, ended up not talking for 3 days (back then) but we'd come back needing one another and apologizing and stuff. Anyways back to this new college, I studied hard but the travel to this school was very long and thus my energy was drained once i got home. I'd be so tired I'd end up falling asleep while texting, only to wake up for school again and continue the conversation like nothing happened. To me this didn't seem as an issue as I selfishly believed it was alright since he responded, but this is where our first concerning issue began.

My dear bf began responding less and less, sometimes shortly or not responding at all until later. Back then we used Kik a lot so it usually tells you when someone read your message and so forth. It wasn't until the end of the year when I got some free time again and I got some life back into me, that I noticed the lack of texting (was this selfish of me? I think so.. =( ). We had our first "big" argument in text where he confessed he did not like how I would drop our conversations one moment and then pick them up like nothing happened. How it was demeaning and made him feel unimportant. I didn't notice i was doing that at all but when he mentioned that I felt so guilty. We made up from this of course, however me being at school, picking up a temp job and trying to...build some self worth was putting much strain on our relationship. So I believed. With me having less time to him working a new job with new hours, we were both tired at the end of the day and barely talked to one another. Which I noticed all too quickly again and began freaking out thus causing another really big argument which was a few days after my birthday in 2018. I felt guilty and blamed myself for...trying too hard we exchanged some words which he turn exchanged some heated ones which were quite...demeaning to me and made me feel so so horrible. Words along the lines of how I was ungrateful (I had made a birthday wishlist that year for the first time in my life, and sent it to him thinking he could use it, but he sent me a gift that wasn't on it and I guess my reaction made it obvious and yeah. I'm remorseful for that because I think I was being too entitled), how he can get any woman he wants where he lives because he's that good looking (he is) but he doesn't despite the lack of communication, and something else that really stung me in the heart and was incredible hurtful. I only don't remember because my brain tends to...throw out bad memories that cause me pain as of recent years. Anyways, I ended up not talking to him for a week as i cried and felt so ashamed and that it was over, but he texted a very heartfelt apology then called me relentless until i answered to apologize on phone, saying he didn't mean to hurt me. I at the time began getting used to his presence in my lonely life and forgave him..reluctantly. Later in 2018 I visited him for the first time in 3 years since we began our relationship and it rekindled a lot of heat and the same passionate feelings we felt when we first met. I lost my first time to him and everything. The trip was amazing and I felt like I really belonged with him. Once i returned home we were in that lovey phase again for a couple of months until early 2019. 

I have since graduated finally and i really didn't want to sit at home doing nothing so I began actively looking for work. Our relationship has changed to when i used to be this confident tease with a rude streak that got us both sexually heated to a now timid but respectful girlfriend (nothing wrong I feel, just change in how I used to act and think), I feel as if I am walking on eggshells now. Afraid that anything i do or say would be ungrateful or insulting to him, and that I need to be grateful to have him because I don't know how long we can last. He's working so hard for us and our future we talked about and here i was sitting on my butt again, so i wanted to work. I tried consulting him about what I should look for but he didn't really seem too interested which I dismissed with work. So i tried with this one job but it quickly began affecting our communication again. Our texts began to dwindle to one or two quick responses between hours of a day, then it began to become once in the morning then one at night...to me just send a text and he not responding at all until the end of the day or even next morning, to finally us not talking at all for a week or two because I felt what was the point. All of this happened within a span of 4 months. From January 2019 to April 2019. Back then we couldn't stand being 3 days away from each other. Now at this point of time we cant hold a conversation again and once more I felt it was my fault and took blame. I cried and stressed over our relationship and he did notice the lack in communication, but to me it looked like he didn't even want to bother trying. I know working hard hours is long and tiring but you can't even send me a reply to a text? Basically I felt like I wasn't his priority. That he was just used to be being in his phone all the time. He didn't say any of this directly but it's what i felt deep down. I of course was too afraid to say anything. We had a very deep discussion about the issue of communication and we made promises to fix it again. And we did...for a bit. I had quit my job giving myself time to find something less strenuous as i decided i might go back to school later this year and he took the time again to text. In May of 2019 I went to visit him for his birthday and even though it felt great to be in his arms again, I felt that...perhaps it wasn't the same magic I felt the same time? Like I was trying too hard but he swears that everything is and was alright and he was so happy to have me back physically again. And I was too.

Now that I've returned home i've begun the search again for work, i'm all set to go back to school in August and I volunteer in the meantime to keep myself busy but not too busy. I thought the trip was great and we'd be happy again but alas a week after I've returned...the texting is very slow...distant and short. I type paragraphs of happiness or excitement and get one worded or short answers back...Some feel dismissive like an "XD" or an "Oh I see" then he's gone..for hours. He tells me its work again. The manager is an idiot and he keeps changing his schedule keeping him back an hour or so after his shift ends and stuff. And i understand that completely! I'm not going to rile him up with my suspicious but still...you can't make just a ounce of time for me? Not even during your break? You can't call me or give me a full 20-30 minutes of your time? :( I feel so ignored and unimportant in his life..and I gave up/planned so much for and with him. He's my whole world and now I feel like im a pest in his.

His personality is the polar opposite of mine. Im expressive, exciteful, emotional and I tend to cling to the past. He is "grown" compared to me. Serious, Attentive, Always planning ahead, (I used to call him monotone but he doesn't like it), not as emotional as me and definitely not as expressive. I feel childish but he says hes used to it and enjoys my change of life i bring to his life. Im fearful that Im pushing him away. That he's working this hard for us and going nowhere, and i can't do anything but...text...

I know we have a communication issue. It's glaringly obvious but everytime we talk about it and say we will fix, we fall from it immediately. And it's usually his fault. It's always work which is understandable but I don't understand why we can't spare a little time for each other...Am I not supposed to be his Joy? His light? He voice used to and still brings such a buzz to my heart but he doesn't even call me now. I bring it up suggestively but it's like he doesn't get it. On his days off he just goes fishing...I feel so ignored everyone. So low, so embarassed and I fear to instigate him. He has another on his plate already in his real life...I'm just someone miles away and I just don't know how to approach him. I always tell him i'm here for him, thinking he'll get the hint and call or talk it all out....but like he told me yesterday, "I know babe but there's not much you can do unfortunately".

Am I the lost cause in this mess? Apologies for the whacky personal outburst towards to end but i'm overwhelmed in painful emotion for him that my heart hurts. I used to be scared of a possibility of breaking up but I think I fear being abandoned again by him this time. What if we're just clinging to...snapping silver strings? There is so much possibile time in the day to talk but he just doesn't...And when i express the invitation to him that he can always talk it out, it's just another "I know wife, ty"...He calls me such endearing terms but why is it so hard to reach him now? What am I failing at as a girlfriend? A potential wife. I know I'm not perfect but I'm scared im a failure not only in figuring out my life, but making him truly happy too. Is the ex-girlfriend back in the equation too?

Any and all advice would be much appreciated.Thank you for taking the time to read this. I'm sorry for this but after all these years and no one to truly understand in my real life, I think i am near desperate for some guidance to sort it all out. Please. :'(

July 04, 2019, 05:05:17 AM
Reply #1


Your situation is so eerily similar to mine, I kept wanting to go click 'reply' and say something then I'm like wait. I gotta finish reading first.

We haven't met yet and your description of it happening sounds so amazing :) You really love him.

I wish I had useful advice for how to approach him or to get the same responses because I'm in the same boat and at a loss myself.

I just wanted to say, it's not you. Definitely not you. You may have gotten distracted sometimes, and the falling asleep, but you explained all that and it sounds like you've been great to him.

If he wants to make time for you, he will. I'd keep trying. Stay strong okay? Maybe the time away will help him realize he loves you. Like I said, I wish I could be more helpful but I don't know what to do in my situation either. It's the same thing. She's less attentive, not as responsive. It hurts, I know :(

If you still love him and want to be with him then I wouldn't end it unless you see certain signs that you should.

July 04, 2019, 05:45:21 AM
Reply #2


Tried to edit this in but it wouldn't let me. I forgot to add:

Haha, monotone ;) That's funny.

July 04, 2019, 08:39:34 AM
Reply #3


Lol that's more than alright. It is a bit funny huh? I didn't even mean it in a negative way, it's just how his voice is. I love it either way!

But thank you for commenting still! I'm so sorry for your situation, it's like we're nothing giving more than we're receiving at times huh? I try to just think of it as a "down" time. What I do now is just stay positive and take it upon myself to text him daily. Instead of moping and getting angry. Perhaps my boyfriend and your girlfriend are going through hard times, so they'll need our support. I can't help ease his stress physically, but I can be positive.

Let's stay strong together  :)


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