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Author Topic: Am I being unreasonable? Is he fair?/right?

January 13, 2020, 08:09:23 AM
Read 2303 times


This is long, sorry!

I (38)have been together with my boyfriend (38) for 11 years.  I lost my job and had to look for a new one, after a year of searching I finally found one but in the capital 3 hours away by car.

 we decided he would follow me. Shortly after I moved he got a promotion. I was happy and foolishly told him  he doesn't need to move immediately, he could  stay for a year to get more experience so he could get the same type of work after moving.

We grew apart, then we were on a break according to me, but he understood it as a break up. Many months later I tell him I want to try again, he is unsure and keeps me waiting and hoping  for his decision for many months, finally he told he had met someone but it was not serious. I was a mess and took it upon me to try to fix all past problems, I even offered to move back. He eventually said yes and that he had broke it off with the girl he was seeing.

Shortly after I had a very violent trauma in my life, violent loss of brother,I became suicidal and had high anxiety and had to have sick leave. Yet I was really trying to work hard on the relation, to smile, to always be interested in him, supportive, etc., but he was cold, distant, and often got snappy with me. I spent most of that time at his place.

He got somewhat better after a year, then I found out from the girl he had supposedly broken up with that he was still seeing her.

I confronted him, He told me he was trying to break up with her but she wouldn't have it, crying hysterically, he didn't know how to handle the situation. He also had told her that he had gotten back with me still as things were not really over between them, so he felt he hadn't been fair to her, and that he was with her when I sort of insisted we could try again. So she was actually the victim. But that he wanted to be with me, he loved me, yet he understood that maybe I wouldn't want that now.

I truly believe he has a very hard time breaking up with someone. His plan was to drag it out and hope the other person would get tired.

We had a long talk, then we decided we would try to overcome this. He stopped having contact with her.

went back to his city and spent many more months there, but visit my place at the capital every now and then for a short time. But now the problem is I When I try to explain it would be easier if he moved he always gets angry, telling me different non convincing reasons. Recently he said his job was more important because he was working for an international organization while I am not. and that would give us possibility to move abroad.

I told him that with his background it is much easier for him to find a job than me, and he admitted, and in the bigger capial where I am there are many more possibilities than the small city he is in, my bigger city is the capital so there is no shortage of international companies and headquarters and high management/sales positions. In addition I am still in a difficult position with PTSD, anxiety, depression, and horrible guilt and regret. I need my close friends especially since I don't have a family so my friends are my family, and they live in the capital not his city.

I also need to continue see my therapist who have been a lifeline, and my therapist is at the capital and I can't imaging start all over with a new one and going over the traumatic experience I had from the start. Also my work knows about the trauma and have been understanding and patient and willing to accept my long sick leave as well as me starting slowly part time. A new company would not be so understanding, and I would have to work 100% immediately and convince them why I am better than all other applicants and act positive and curious and very engaged, to prove I am worthy of a long term contract. Mentally I am just really nowhere near that strong. I also told him that during the hardest period of my life that I do not wish on any human being, he was cold with me and busy taking romantic trips with his other girlfriend. If he was truly sorry, how about moving to the capital where I have my job and friends and where he probably would even find better opportunities?

No. He made it very clear he won't budge.

I literally get an even worse depression in his town. Feel out of place and so alone.

He keeps telling me I had promised I could move, and all what happened since then which make it so much harder, doesn't make him budge.

I would really appreciate some inputs from outside. Am I being unreasonable? Is he being unreasonable?

TL;DR : had promised my long distance boyfriend I’d move to his town, after a traumatic loss of my lbrother leaving me with PTSD, depression, anxiety , needing my supportive friends in my town, and mentally unable to work full time, which would be required if I am to work in his town, as well as finding out he was unfaithful with his ex in the worst year of my life and was cold and even rude with me, he always gets angry when I tell him it’s easier if he moves to me and insists it’s his way or no way. Am I, or him, unreasonable? Opinion/advice?


January 14, 2020, 10:00:02 AM
Reply #1


Honestly, perhaps it's time to move on? You're going through a hard time and if he can't be with you through this, I feel he likely won't be later on either. You both seem to want and need different things right now and while it's tempting to want something familiar and comforting, it just doesn't sound like you will get that from him. Maybe let him go and focus on your relationships with your family and friends, and most importantly yourself and then when you're in a good place, see how you feel. Maybe you both reconnect when you're in better places or maybe you find someone else who will be there for you, be committed to you.

January 20, 2020, 04:10:43 PM
Reply #2


I agree I think is better to be sometime seperately. It will help you for sure....

January 31, 2020, 05:27:43 PM
Reply #3


It does seem that the best course of action would be to spend some time apart, thinking of what both of you really want.

February 02, 2020, 10:40:43 AM
Reply #4


Sounds like a grey area to me. There's clearly indecisiveness and selfishness on both sides here. When someone breaks up with you or the relationship sizzles out it can be pretty painful. It can take a while before they start to feel themselves again. Then when they invite that person back it puts them in a very vulnerable position where they risk inviting depression back into their lives. The compassionate thing to do might have been to leave him alone. He was at fault for trying to hold onto two women and being dishonest about what he was doing. So to be honest I don't think either of you hold any moral high ground in this situation. I hope you end up deciding what's best for both of you.

March 17, 2020, 06:02:03 PM
Reply #5


I had a similar situation to yours me and my ex partner of 8 years grew apart due to jobs/location but she moved on whilst in a relationship with me, it hurts deeply you feel somewhat betrayed and broken, lost and im not the best at advice but I can tell you it does get better, try turn your focus on to yourself and make yourself happy. in a sense date yourself that's what helped me, wish you all the best

March 18, 2020, 02:58:38 AM
Reply #6


You are not being unreasonable but from my point of view you are both being unfair to each other and from the story I can relate to that moment. The main challenge in a long distance relationship is communication and the best way to make it work is to avoid putting your stands on your partner. My dear please remove your pride and things will get better.
The questions you should ask yourself is that the factors that made him find the other woman have they change, do you think you have given him enough reason to trust you again.

You relationship has lost trust, thus the down hill part is vivid. And I think you need to change thinks and move away from the capital because it's making you the victim. Change is good make that step and healing will happen.

You can not heal where you got sick

April 17, 2020, 04:48:29 AM
Reply #7


It sounds like both of you are unable to compromise. So maybe it’s time to move on.

May 06, 2020, 02:12:40 AM
Reply #8


I haven't read anybody's comment but I will but just by reading your msg I think your worth it. You sound kind and loving and all you need is a little help. I think you both are wrong there needs to be an evaluation. Love your self don't loose your self and pray for him.  I can't wait to read a msg about how it all turned out.

May 15, 2020, 12:52:10 PM
Reply #9


 No you are not being unreasonable, it just that I think both side are not been unfair to each other. U need to let go of pride. And u need help. Get help from best relationships expert out there. For example Amy North she is one of my best Relationships expert of all time check her out
U won't regret knowing Amy North as she helps you build a better relationship


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