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Author Topic: 5 year LDR ended by my GF just as we were planning to move together. Advice?

September 25, 2019, 12:12:12 AM
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I'll try my best to keep this short. Sorry if it still ends up long.

Basically, I met a girl from Turkey (I'm from the US) about 5 and half years ago on a pen-pals website. I'm 32 about to be 33 now, and she is 26, will be 27 in December. When we first decided to try our hand at a relationship, we had been talking non-stop for months. We have continued this for 5 years. She was in Med-School to become a doctor, and I ended up finishing up my schooling here in 2017. It was around this time that I know she was getting stressed about us never meeting, and neither one of us seemed to ever have the time or money because of our schooling. In Sept. 2018, we almost had a breakup until I decided I'd put my $1,000+ ticket to Turkey on a credit card and just make it work. It was awesome. Everything about our 2 week meetup was perfect. I got back, and things seemed much better. By April of 2019 she flew out and met me here, and again, it was nothing but smiles, laughs, and great times. We never really argued or fought over these 5 years. It seriously has always been loving and fun.

Fast forward to early August. She starts to become more adamant about figuring out what we will do as a couple. We need to consider where we can move, and where she can work as a doctor. We go back and forth a good long while on the topic, and I'm always researching and giving pros and cons to our situation whether she moves here, I move there, or I move there to learn german with her so we can move to Germany. It was a lot of back and forth and she was obviously very stressed and confused. She got more and more stressed about it and broke up with me. Said it was over, and went silent. A few days later, she came back and said "I miss you" and apologized for being a coward and that she'd like to try again if I would have her. Of course I would. I love her.

The next few weeks were better but the topic went back into the stress zone for her, and although she decided against coming here to be a doctor, some new information I was getting about short school programs and loans for her so she could become a Physician's Assistant here made me want to at least show her some other options for this route in case it would help her make a decision on anything, whether still not wanting this, or going somewhere else. At first she liked the idea. A few days later, it had turned her off and she assumed I was only pressuring her to come here, when in fact multiple times I told her I was willing to move there with her. I just wanted to be sure we all saw everything laid out on the table before we make a big decision here.

This is where things got sticky. She was already very stressed because she was working many 24 hour shifts in a row at her hospital (works 24 hours, gets one day off, then another 24 hours, a day off, etc.) Her parents were also visiting with her brother, and they always cause more stress and fight sometimes when there. She was also on her period which didn't help.

She had a mental breakdown in her break-room at work and she told me she was slapping herself, then laughing, then crying. That's not her.

She got mad at me again for these 'added stresses' of sending more information about all options, of which all really needed talked about because we are adults and even though it may seem hard, we need to analyze everything and make decisions. She would get upset even if she was the one who brought it up. I knew she was stressed, but she kept bringing it up. I should have told her to take some time to breathe, but instead, I went along with her conversations about this stuff. So, after some more "I need some time to think" days, I sent her a beautiful flower from a local flower shop in Turkey with the help of one of her friends. I wanted to apologize for any added stresses I had given her, knowing full well it was just something we both need to discuss for our own future. But I wanted her to take some time to breathe now.

Apparently when she got it, she was furious and kicked her friend out of the house so she could be alone. She had been deciding to send me a breakup letter again days before she received it, (I know, she is the type to break up through text, not call, but I can't help that), and she ended up sending it. However, she sent me a text a day or so after she got the flower saying "thank you", and that she really loved it and she is keeping it because she never had a flower before. She ended up telling me how she was going to clean her room and everything, but realized she had spent the whole day painting her mirror to match that flower. So it seems it really means something to her. She kept saying how beautiful it was and thanked me again.

Only a few days later we were somehow on the subject of moving again. It seemed that she was really ready to try this now. I told her a brief plan on how I could move to turkey and what things I'd sell. She was afraid of me giving up too much here to go there and said she didn't want that burden on her shoulders if I fuck up my life because of "someone who is unstable and not even sure of herself". I tried to assure her everything was ok, and that worse case is that if nothing works out for us, I fly home. Planes fly every day. But I was so ready to go make this work. She seemed excited about it. I was excited about it. She was falling asleep so we decided to talk on a video call the following day.

This is where I fuck up. I was too excited to wait and made the video call on my 40 minute commute to work thinking it was enough time to discuss everything. Unfortunately, it wasn't. When I finally saw her in video for the first time that month, I could see she looked so tired and stressed out. We had a few laughs, then our talk began. The problem was that she brought up something about her coming here and why she couldn't do it, but her reason was based on false information, so I tried to help her understand how it really works. That in turn turned into a back-and-forth thing all about the USA and -not- about me going there, which is literally all I wanted to talk about. Before I knew it, I was pulled up to my place of work. She was in tears and accused me of tricking her into pushing her to come here. I did my best to let her know that wasn't what happened and that I just wanted her to understand what she didn't understand, but I had to get off the phone.

Shortly after, I received a few cold texts. She said everything felt traumatic. She didn't like this. She said every time she left the relationship, she felt peace and calm, and every time she gets back in she feels depressed and stressed. So she ended it. This time, very seriously. That was 8/28/19. We are still broken up, and I broke some "no contact rules" which I didn't know existed, and each time, even when a week/2 weeks apart, didn't go well.

All I wanted to do was let her know the great news I got about landing a new job recently that lets me work remotely, anywhere in the world, for very good US money, which means I could easily pay back my own debts from Turkey without worry of selling anything at all or giving anything up. We could have lived there for 2 years while studying German so we both could move to Germany where she could easily work, which was one of our original plans.

But she made up her mind. She said "it was too late" and "I don't love you romantically anymore", and then in our last message, on 9/16/2019, which she replied to because I decided to send a SUPER detailed planned for me to move there, she tells me that the relationship had become toxic to her, that she had no intentions of ever coming back to this, and ... the kicker? ... that although it wasn't the reason for the breakup, she recently "met someone". She said "Don't have any expectations about me. Not only because I have someone else in my life right now, because I have no intentions to go back to our relationship again. I'm very determined to move on and I am doing so. You should do the same." I know who the guy is. It's someone she met at a concert months earlier, but he also lives like 7 hours away from her. It's still long distance for her. I think they were having good fun chats while we were having our stressful talks, and so she gravitated towards that. At least, I'm hoping. I really am hoping it's just a band-aid on her recent pains.

I never got mad. I just let her know that I hoped he would treat her even half as well as I know that I'd treat her, because even then, she'd be in good hands. I let her know that if things ever didn't work out or she felt it was a mistake, I am already ready with arms open for her.

In any case, it was then that every avenue I had to contact her was completely blocked.

I look back at our pictures and how perfect everything was. I read our texts from only weeks ago and how cute and loving they all were. How excited we were to start planning. Then in the matter of maybe a month, this. I just don't understand how it all fell apart so fast when she was the one asking me to move there only weeks ago. All I can do is wait, but does anyone have any idea what she might be going through? Is there any chance she may come back around? I'm seriously so shattered.
« Last Edit: September 25, 2019, 02:22:30 AM by davidrx »

February 04, 2020, 06:23:51 PM
Reply #1


Although I don't know for sure I'm pretty certain as to what happened. Erratic changes in behavior like that is usually a sign that your LDR partner is seeing someone else. You are not going to face that and accept that because you have probably built up a perception of this girl that's very romantic and idealized but I'm telling you this is where most LDR's are headed. I can give a little parallel from this story to my own. During my three month LDR I had recently the girl I was who was a working girl told me that If I did not tell my family what she really did for a living she would split up with me. This girl cheated on me with another tourist and I am certain it was at the time that she was messaging me this that she was looking for an excuse to split up. I think she failed to get into a relationship with this new guy she was after so she messaged me again at a later point saying that I don't need to tell my family anything and it's better I keep her job hush. With an LDR you need to analyse everything under a microscope. It's far too easy and tempting to lie and manipulate a partner when they're not living in the same country or state as you and frankly most women will. The majority will. Women tell lies to their male partners in regular relationships so you really need to be realistic about how much bullshitery goes on in an LDR.


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