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Author Topic: A difficult situation

November 08, 2019, 02:45:24 AM
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Dibbity


Looking for advice here...

. I have met a lovely girl and we have dated for about 3 months, but I sense she was holding back.

She tells me recently that she is just out of a relationship and that she plans to go travelling, for anywhere up to 2 years or beyond. Her travel date is set around 9 months from now.

I asked her about this and whether this is all headed to a dead end, and she said she was keeping an open mind, saying I could come with her or we could do long distance.

Later when i emphasized the difficulties of coming she said she couldnt do long distance and she wasnt ready yet to be in a relationship. She also said she didnt think time would change this.

She is a great girl and I feel amazing around her, experiencing a chemistry that is unmatched, it just feels right. However, I feel so tentative about many things: firstly, we have been dating for 3 months and she doesn’t feel ready to be “in a relationship” yet, despite wanting to spend all her time with me and doesn’t wanna see other people.

Secondly, she has these travel plans which seem to be non-compromisable. For example, she could wait for me 18 months and we could go together without me sacrificing my career.

There are 2 questions here: firstly, how do I manage this? If I continue to spend time with her it very well may develop into something and she may compromise or we will figure out how to make it work. However, this may end in heartbreak and more wasted time (which I could spend with another). She also may perpetually be “not ready for a relationship”.

 

secondly, do I compromise for her (certainly not before I get a commitment): this would mean putting my career back and costing me around 15 grand to become a doctor overseas. The money may be good but I wonder if I’d ever be willing to make that commitment.

i cannot emphasise enough the strength of these feelings, the connection is amazing, but these circumstances are very tough.

 

any advice would be appreciated,

 

 

thank you

 

November 08, 2019, 12:04:40 PM
Reply #1
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Captain Black


This is just my view of things

IMO she isn't ready for another relationship . She has just come out of one so the timing is too soon . She hasn't had chance to "dry out" yet. The last thing you would want is to get somebody because they are just on the rebound . Her emotions are likely to be a little over the place at the moment . From my own experience when I ended an engagement , I needed around 12 months before I wanted to start dating again and the next person I dated became my wife and still with her after 30 years.

So patience could be the key. I woudln't sacrifice your career as I think its something you could regret later in life. For now just let her go and keep it as a possible long distance relationship and see how things develop .

November 08, 2019, 10:04:04 PM
Reply #2
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Dibbity


This is just my view of things

IMO she isn't ready for another relationship . She has just come out of one so the timing is too soon . She hasn't had chance to "dry out" yet. The last thing you would want is to get somebody because they are just on the rebound . Her emotions are likely to be a little over the place at the moment . From my own experience when I ended an engagement , I needed around 12 months before I wanted to start dating again and the next person I dated became my wife and still with her after 30 years.

So patience could be the key. I woudln't sacrifice your career as I think its something you could regret later in life. For now just let her go and keep it as a possible long distance relationship and see how things develop .

Thanks, would u just see how it goes even if there’s a chance I’ll waste 9 months, get attached and could be spending time with someone else?

November 30, 2019, 10:14:48 PM
Reply #3
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CatheyT


to put simply and forward. it is better to love and lost. than to never loved at all. who knows what the future may hold. so stick it out and hold. its going to be a hick of a ride.

December 01, 2019, 11:17:43 AM
Reply #4
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Captain Black


Yes I would keep tabs on her but as a friend. In the meantime carry on with your life and if it means dating someone else then so be it. Perhaps in the future you could couple up but then a gain   that  special person could be somebody else but you are not going to find out by  placing your life on hold .

December 02, 2019, 06:07:49 PM
Reply #5
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samiam512


I agree with the people who have posted already.  She's not ready for a relationship.  As hard as it is, seems like you should consider moving on OR enjoy the time you have with her but know that the longer you continue the relationship, the harder it will be when she leaves.  If you stand up for yourself and let her know that you;re not interested in a long distance relationship and therefore, must move on, who knows, maybe then she'll realize how much she cares about you and decide not to leave. 

I feel for you.  It's tough to find that special someone and realize that it may be one sided.  I wish you the best of luck.  Keep us updated if you decide to move on. 

Best of luck to you.

December 07, 2019, 04:38:53 AM
Reply #6
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chrisharders


She wants to travel. You can't currently. Seems like she's open to a relationship til then but it's not going to last beyond that. I wouldn't do a long distance relationship, so if you can't handle enjoying a period of time with her that has an end point to it, you're best off moving on.

So many guys fall into this tunnel vision that there is only 1 right girl... the connection you have with her you can have with another in the future. It's proof it's possible.

Stay or go but don't change your life around at this stage. Define what you want. Would you really want to get deeply close to a girl then do long distance. Right now, she'd think you were super clingy and needy if you told her to wait a period of time and spoke about transferring jobs for her. Fine that your mind is running that scenario but don't tell her that.

What other dating options do you have right now?

 

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