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Author Topic: My current relationship started as an affair. Can we make it work?

April 17, 2019, 12:00:16 PM
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cooljaqbot


So... For the sticky bits.

Recently, I renounced my faith and "came out" (for want of better phrasing) as atheist. Naturally, my super religious then-wife didn't take too kindly to this. I was rejected by her, her family, and my own. My business partner and I - who have been friends for many years- started talking more frequently, and she was an amazing pillar of support in this time of transition. But, she was also married.


We developed an emotional bond, which evolved into an affair, and eventually both ended up leaving our spouses. We are now fully committed,  living together and engaged (yay!!).


BUT...


There are tons of insecurities that (I believe) have their roots in the fact that we started off with an affair. We are both extremely jealous (neither of us used to be). We check up on each other ALL DAMN DAY, every day. Trust is a major problem, we both frequently check one another's latest online activity, track each other's locations, etc.


I know you're going to tell me the dynamic is unhealthy. I know! I need help to overcome these issues. It has been over a year now, and I still love her as madly as I did when our relationship started. I plan on spending the rest of my life with her (and our two kids). I really don't need the "once a cheat, always a cheat" lecture, as we have both been lashed quite enough by it.


I am desperate for help to get us from this pit of bitter poison, to a place of trust and security.


Thanks in advance.

July 03, 2019, 12:38:04 AM
Reply #1
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simonr1978


An office affair can still work, I was with my ex for nearly 20 years based of the back of an office affair   She was also married at the time.  You need to trust each other, if you can accept that she loves you then that should be enough.

August 20, 2019, 12:45:58 AM
Reply #2
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vexcoda


I think the dynamic is fine. I think you changed as a person that was pretty much incompatible with your previous situation and you have a right to be the happiest you can be. Just think how miserable you would have been if you stayed.

Don't feel guilty about the origins of your new relationship - and I don't think you're a cheat. For me your wife did a worse thing to you by castigating you for changing you worldview view and didn't accept you for who you became.

It might be sad that the relationship ended, but it was the clear end to that chapter - enjoy the next.

October 18, 2019, 02:43:39 AM
Reply #3
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figuringitout13


Trust is key. Easier said than done though. My current relationship (which is on the rocks) started as affair. I was in an abusive relationship for 7 1/2 years. I didn’t know how to end it, and I just wanted him to change. Then I met my current boyfriend at work. I felt like I couldn’t stop myself from it. My ex and I broke up, and I started dating my colleague. Our issues for being on the rocks have nothing to do with the way we started dating. It can definitely work.