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Author Topic: he was never mine to start but i just can't move on.

October 07, 2018, 05:10:51 AM
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learningtolivewou


i have no clue how to properly begin this.

our story begins about seven years ago. we met freshman year of high school and almost instantly, i hated him. he was annoying, short (in high school this mattered more than it does now), and never shut up. lucky for me, i don't think he liked me or my big attitude either. besides, he had a girlfriend at the time. from there on out, we seemed to get closer every year. sophomore year we were friends, junior year he helped his friend as me to homecoming, and senior year he was going to hang out with me and his friend knowing that i only tagged along to get laid later in the night when he fell asleep. but all through high school, i absolutely only ever saw him as a friend. for some reason, nothing ever clicked for me. when i was single he was dating, when he was single i was seeing other people and didn't take the time to consider it.

I remember the exact day things changed.

Graduation day, 2015. X was leaving for the marines the day after graduation, and wanted to properly say goodbye (at this point i considered him a best friend). however, i totally blanked in the madness of the day and left without saying goodbye. so that night i got on snapchat and messaged him to say goodbye and wish him good luck. he had mentioned seeing me when he got back, and i don't quite remember what else was said but something about our conversation was just... different.

so months went by & i was taking time just working and minding my own business while X was at basic training (and all that other military stuff that i quite frankly have no clue about). i hadn't heard from him like most other friends because he didn't have a phone or cell service every day, and that was fine because we were only friends. that was until he had commented on one of my snapchat photos (modern love, am i right?) saying i looked good, and something in my stomach completely shifted. it was just a small twitch, but man did i know that was the day i was doomed. in the weeks to come we would chat all day & were guilty of some naughty messages here and there which had come out of left field considering i had never thought of him that way. [[to preface, i was a bit of a flirt in high school. far more than i am now and likely ever will be again. i was boy crazy and wasn't shy about it, either]] so, i told X that i would see him when he came home on leave before his big deployment. we had discussed some 'stuff' along the lines of hooking up, and i'm almost positive at one point i blatantly told him i was dtf. at the time i just figured it was a fun hook up and nothing more. and so to be straight, he came home, we hung out & hooked up in the back of his car.

if it ended there, i would have been fine - but it didn't.
instead he left for deployment and continued to make flirty advances and be really 'nice' in that boyish charm sort of way. the kind that butters you up so he has a place to stick it when he comes home. at first, i was fine with it. didn't think much of it and sent a few pictures and messages. and so he came home two years ago and we hung out one day like friends, and then we hooked up again. he left, we flirted, and that was the first time i began to realize maybe i felt a little something. because two years ago he came home and wasn't the annoying little twat from high school. he was this big handsome marine that knew damn well how to keep me busy in his backseat. i guess you could say i'm an easy catch.

but last year... well, last year was the year i fell in love.

last year, X came home on leave during the summer. I was in a funky "friendly" relationship of sorts with a coworker at the time that was just for kicks and giggles before i left for college. so i wasn't exclusive with anyone but i wasn't focused solely on X and reliant on our annual hook up to get me through the rest of the year. i figured he'd come home, we'd hang out one night and do our thing, and say goodbye. but instead of my one nightly reservation in the back seat of his car, we hung out. the first night he was home he came and picked me up and we talked for a few hours in a parking lot. the second night he was home, he came to my friend's party and we got completely obliterated and flirted like idiot high schoolers with no cares in the world. and then a few days went by before he insisted on coming to see me on his last night home, literally a few hours before he had to leave for his early morning flight. we drove around, talked, and then he parked outside my house and we did our annual backseat business.

but the thing about last summer is that he made the effort to see me three days out of the five he was in town which might not seem like much, but the kid has a crap ton of family who always want to see him. and it wasn't even like dead of night booty calls (maybe on the last night, but that was only following tradition). the other nights he spent with my friends and i doing whatever i wanted.

and so basically i fell insanely in love with one of my best friends from high school. he went back to his base thousands of miles away and i sat and simmered in my feelings (and still am). but somewhere along the way i made the mistake of telling him my feelings that had only been true for a few months at that point. all i remember is him telling me that he just can't do distance or dating in general while he's deployed (of which i completely understand), but i knew i broke down our otherwise comfortable situation at that point. we lost contact a lot, i began to refuse his friendship because it was only hurting me to act casual when on the inside i was so painfully hung up on him in ways beyond friends.

where am i at today? it's been more than a year since i last saw him on his last deployment. in the 13+ months since, we've spoken on and off but only within the limits of a few measely "hey, how's it goin" messages here and there. every now and again he pulls a wild card out and tells me i look cute on snapchat, but i know he's only doing it to be a smartass. at this point, i just don't know where to go or when to settle. i keep fighting in hopes of him coming to scoop me off my feet one day. he has a year and a half left at the base he's at now before he comes home, but how pathetic is it for me to wait when there's no guarantee that either of us will still want that when it comes time.

but i can't move on. for the all loving life of me, i can not move on. there's so many small details and forgotten messages that i know shoved me deeper into this awful, impossible love. i don't know whether i feel more pathetic that i've been in love with the same guy for three years & knew him for four before that without such restraints, or that i've been in love with the same guy for three years and he was never even mine to begin with. he was and never will be mine to openly love, and yet i can't let go because every time i see his name pop up on my phone i'm roped back in by the stupidest things.

how do you let go of the what ifs?

October 08, 2018, 08:29:08 PM
Reply #1

goodevening


i have no clue how to properly begin this.

our story begins about seven years ago. we met freshman year of high school and almost instantly, i hated him. he was annoying, short (in high school this mattered more than it does now), and never shut up. lucky for me, i don't think he liked me or my big attitude either. besides, he had a girlfriend at the time. from there on out, we seemed to get closer every year. sophomore year we were friends, junior year he helped his friend as me to homecoming, and senior year he was going to hang out with me and his friend knowing that i only tagged along to get laid later in the night when he fell asleep. but all through high school, i absolutely only ever saw him as a friend. for some reason, nothing ever clicked for me. when i was single he was dating, when he was single i was seeing other people and didn't take the time to consider it.

I remember the exact day things changed.

Graduation day, 2015. X was leaving for the marines the day after graduation, and wanted to properly say goodbye (at this point i considered him a best friend). however, i totally blanked in the madness of the day and left without saying goodbye. so that night i got on snapchat and messaged him to say goodbye and wish him good luck. he had mentioned seeing me when he got back, and i don't quite remember what else was said but something about our conversation was just... different.

so months went by & i was taking time just working and minding my own business while X was at basic training (and all that other military stuff that i quite frankly have no clue about). i hadn't heard from him like most other friends because he didn't have a phone or cell service every day, and that was fine because we were only friends. that was until he had commented on one of my snapchat photos (modern love, am i right?) saying i looked good, and something in my stomach completely shifted. it was just a small twitch, but man did i know that was the day i was doomed. in the weeks to come we would chat all day & were guilty of some naughty messages here and there which had come out of left field considering i had never thought of him that way. [[to preface, i was a bit of a flirt in high school. far more than i am now and likely ever will be again. i was boy crazy and wasn't shy about it, either]] so, i told X that i would see him when he came home on leave before his big deployment. we had discussed some 'stuff' along the lines of hooking up, and i'm almost positive at one point i blatantly told him i was dtf. at the time i just figured it was a fun hook up and nothing more. and so to be straight, he came home, we hung out & hooked up in the back of his car.

if it ended there, i would have been fine - but it didn't.
instead he left for deployment and continued to make flirty advances and be really 'nice' in that boyish charm sort of way. the kind that butters you up so he has a place to stick it when he comes home. at first, i was fine with it. didn't think much of it and sent a few pictures and messages. and so he came home two years ago and we hung out one day like friends, and then we hooked up again. he left, we flirted, and that was the first time i began to realize maybe i felt a little something. because two years ago he came home and wasn't the annoying little twat from high school. he was this big handsome marine that knew damn well how to keep me busy in his backseat. i guess you could say i'm an easy catch.

but last year... well, last year was the year i fell in love.

last year, X came home on leave during the summer. I was in a funky "friendly" relationship of sorts with a coworker at the time that was just for kicks and giggles before i left for college. so i wasn't exclusive with anyone but i wasn't focused solely on X and reliant on our annual hook up to get me through the rest of the year. i figured he'd come home, we'd hang out one night and do our thing, and say goodbye. but instead of my one nightly reservation in the back seat of his car, we hung out. the first night he was home he came and picked me up and we talked for a few hours in a parking lot. the second night he was home, he came to my friend's party and we got completely obliterated and flirted like idiot high schoolers with no cares in the world. and then a few days went by before he insisted on coming to see me on his last night home, literally a few hours before he had to leave for his early morning flight. we drove around, talked, and then he parked outside my house and we did our annual backseat business.

but the thing about last summer is that he made the effort to see me three days out of the five he was in town which might not seem like much, but the kid has a crap ton of family who always want to see him. and it wasn't even like dead of night booty calls (maybe on the last night, but that was only following tradition). the other nights he spent with my friends and i doing whatever i wanted.

and so basically i fell insanely in love with one of my best friends from high school. he went back to his base thousands of miles away and i sat and simmered in my feelings (and still am). but somewhere along the way i made the mistake of telling him my feelings that had only been true for a few months at that point. all i remember is him telling me that he just can't do distance or dating in general while he's deployed (of which i completely understand), but i knew i broke down our otherwise comfortable situation at that point. we lost contact a lot, i began to refuse his friendship because it was only hurting me to act casual when on the inside i was so painfully hung up on him in ways beyond friends.

where am i at today? it's been more than a year since i last saw him on his last deployment. in the 13+ months since, we've spoken on and off but only within the limits of a few measely "hey, how's it goin" messages here and there. every now and again he pulls a wild card out and tells me i look cute on snapchat, but i know he's only doing it to be a smartass. at this point, i just don't know where to go or when to settle. i keep fighting in hopes of him coming to scoop me off my feet one day. he has a year and a half left at the base he's at now before he comes home, but how pathetic is it for me to wait when there's no guarantee that either of us will still want that when it comes time.

but i can't move on. for the all loving life of me, i can not move on. there's so many small details and forgotten messages that i know shoved me deeper into this awful, impossible love. i don't know whether i feel more pathetic that i've been in love with the same guy for three years & knew him for four before that without such restraints, or that i've been in love with the same guy for three years and he was never even mine to begin with. he was and never will be mine to openly love, and yet i can't let go because every time i see his name pop up on my phone i'm roped back in by the stupidest things.

how do you let go of the what ifs?

I am so sorry to hear that you're currently going through a hard time @learningtolivewou but in time, you will learn to accept what has happened you will move on with your life.

It will be very difficult to believe but YOU WILL. You just need to ensure that you surround yourself with lots of positive people, friends, family and keep yourself occupied as much as you can during this difficult time.

There isn't any point thinking about the what if's and I know it's hard, but nothing positive will come out of that, you need to stop.

Everything happens for a reason and in time when you meet someone else, you will be glad that it didn't work out.

Keep us in the loop with how you're feeling.  :(

 

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