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Author Topic: we are engaged, actions by her dont match up to it

September 05, 2019, 04:41:37 PM
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We have known eachother for 15 years. She is 37 and I am 44.This was the 3rd time we have dated and now are engaged. We reconnected almost a year ago and dated until december 29th till I popped the question which she said yes! As we have been working thru the wedding things and planning its had its ups and downs. She has brought alot of debt into this equation. When I asked her to move in I made the move to not have her pay any rent or utilities or nothing so she could focus on paying down her debt. The debt came from some medical surgeries for bandpass and bad gambling problem years ago. She agreed and I thought she had been paying down the debt....she was but the just minimums which to me says she wasnt really tackling it. When I asked for an update 6 months later I found that it really wasnt taken care of at all. She then started to tackle it and payoff large debts and collections. Meanwhile I am paying for the entire wedding. This is her 3rd wedding and my first. Her family does not have the money to contribute. I respect that and know thats probably true. I have a hard time with her parents not offering to do anything does not have to be monetarily either. She and I have fought about this. My reasoning is im not just a guy dating her. Im marrying their daughter and asked her fathers permission and blessing before I asked my fiance. Her parents have always accepted me over the years when we dated. She feels that she should be good enough and it doesnt matter that her parents are not engaging with our wedding day. They are going of course. Her mom did not even offer her daughter a bridal shower party.......it blows my mind!

The problems step from her drinking which is excessive. She feels she has to have 2 + drinks of wine per night sometimes a bottle. (where does the money come from if you are paying down your debt and we are headed into marriage and im paying for the entire wedding?!??) Twice in the last 30 days she was going out with a girlfriend or two. I HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH HER GOING OUT WITH HER FRIENDS! All I have ever asked is that she comes home at the end of the night to go to bed with her fiance. She uses these events as a ruse to go out a "cut loose" as she says but doesnt know her limit. The first time this happened she went out with a friend and the place closed at 10pm thought maybe she would be home about 11. no phone call no text nothing until 130 am I got a text from her phone from someone else stating she was not able to drive and would be staying there. Well there was 30 miles away from where she was headed in the first place and no communication. She just says she fucked up. tries to justify it that she was having a good time and she should be able to stay over night at girlfriends house every now and then. The second time was the same song second verse coincidence occurrence trend. She was to be home at a decent hour since we were getting up early the next day to go drive 2 hours away to float the river. I got a text a 1100 at night from her phone from someone else stating she couldnt drive but would get her home. AGAIN?!? She drove herself home hammered because she didnt want to deal with me getting on her about not coming home. I believe if you cant get home under your own power and still have a good time there is drinking problem that has to be assessed. Her friends house is 4 miles away. She used to do that alot she said....of course when you were single....we are not jsut dating anymore.....we are engaged!!! I by no means want her to drive i just wanted a phone call yes I would be pissed but not as much as I am now with no communication no respect. She thinks its a trust issue. It is now that I think about it since I now have to wonder if the place you are going to is actually the place and plans you have.  She thinks its normal to stay over at her girlfriends house 4 miles away every now and then. If alcohol wasnt involved would you be staying there? Again I dont have an issue with her going out with girlfriends or family or personal stuff or whatever....all im asking is that you come home to your fiance at night not hammered and if you do get hammered she should be calling me not from someone else on her phone. She didnt know her friends got in her Iphone which i call bs.

We started pre marital counseling months ago went for a few weeks and it helped. Now we went back for the first time to address these issues. She sees as controlling since she does come home from work or whatever normally all the time. Its when she cuts loose that she goes past the point of no return. I have never asked anything of her but to pay her debt and be home with your man at night unless there is a special event thing going on where it involves work or rare girls weekend then cool go have fun but please dont get hammered. She is wallowing in alcohol to cope with how i make her feel. She feels less than me. Im here and she is down there in her eyes which is not the truth! She sees me trying to change her.....i dont want to change HER i want to change the actions and decions that were made since I dont feel they meet our relationship.

September 06, 2019, 09:16:17 PM
Reply #1


I think you need more time before committing to this marriage.  I see glaring red flags. Im not sure that she is ready to be married.  You said at the end that her actions and decisions don't meet the needs of a relationship. It appears that you want different things in a relationship. I think you need to address your concerns of her and she needs to address her concerns of you first.

There are many parents who wouldn't want to be involved in a 3rd wedding . They may feel uncomfortable  obligating  friends and family to another shower.


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