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Author Topic: was cheated on and still have unresolved emotions

February 01, 2020, 06:33:51 PM
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I have been dating a girl for just over 6 years. the frist 3 years were fine but we had to break up because she wanted kids there and then and i was not ready (we were both still at university). So we broke up for 5 months. In that time she dated 3 men simultaneously, all of whom wanted to have casual sex. she refused and kept coming to me to complain about it. Eventually we spoke, admitted we still lvoed each other and decided to try again.

Fast forward a few years, we both graduate, she won a scholarship to study abraoad while i stayed to work to earn enough money to move aborad and study in the same university as her. In order to get the required money, I had to work two jobs and had to sacrifice my relationship with my friends and familiy so that i could look after her from afar, buy her clothes and household items as well as be there fore her emotionally. During her year aborad we visted each other many times and made plans to find a place to live together as well as making plans for the future, where we would eventually live, how many kids we would have ... etc ... In person she was always happy with our plans, but during the last few month before i moved up she would use 'ifs' when we would chat online ...eg 'if we were to live together'

I finally move up (with plans to propose to her, ring, place, restaurant all ready) only to be treated by her as a stranger. After asking her several times what the probelm was, she eventually told me that once she moved up she was feeling very lonely so she started dating guy number 1, story a) was that he force himself on her, b) was that is was a date gone too far but it was semi-consensual ... the story varied each time i asked her. she then said that she felt too ashamed to tell me becuase she felt she could not be emotionall vulnerable with me due to our first break up, so she sought comfort in guy number 2 and remained with him.

I told her that we spent so much time making plans for the future and that i had come up to proposed and when i asked her why she cheated on me and did not tell me about the other guys, her answers were a) although we said we loved each other, we never officially comitted or said that we were boyfriend and girlfriend again, so essentially she was single,a2) she says she kept me on "the back burner, so if it did not work out with guy number 2, we would still be together without you knowing I was with other men" that is a direct quote, b) she claims she does not remember me saying that i wanted to marry her or that i loved her or that she meant everything to me c) she saw the things i did for her meant that i loved her but only saw it that i loved her in that instant and not for long periods of time d) she felt we became emotionally distant and that she felt that she was my therapist when i used to said that working two jobs was hard e) that its my fault for not realising what was going on ...
she said many conflicting things

Her current boyfriend (whom she knew for 4 months) then convinced her that I would harm her (note that i have never once riased my voice or shouted at her, swore at her or even laid a finger on her to harm her), and she called the police on me and we were told no contact for a few months. I tried looking for other accomodation but all that I could find was a room 1 floor above the flat we were ment to share. Three months later we bump into each other on the stair well, she said sorry several times, that her parents do not like the current boyfriend, her mother wishes that she breaks up with the current boyfriend so that we can get back together gain, that she is not happy with the current boyfriend and fears that she is being abused by him but does not know what to do as she feels she invested too much physically (ie sex) and emotionally with him, but if she leave him she would like to try again with me.
(Please note that she and I had not consumated our relationship physically as we had planned to do so once we started living together, so having sex would have been a first for us both,meaning that for us, at least for me, it was something that meant alot and meant to be very special)
(also note that this guy has 4 rape cases against him, has cheated on her 7 times already and that when she told him that she was sexually assaulted by guy number 1 he laughed at her and that the only was she would get over being assaulted was to have sex with him). I advised her to seek counciling, which she has and the councilor has confirmed that she is being abused but she is still unsure about what to do. the councilor has also stated that she has many other underlining issues which need to be adressed.

She is still coming to me to talk about her abuse and issues and claims she cares about me and wants to be friends for now untill/if she breaks it off with her boyfriend where she would like to try again, she hugs me and has offered me food which she has made . I cannot in good conscience turn her away and not offer her help her because i still love her, but i am completely hurt and disgusted by her (so much so that i feel disgusted after being hugged by her and am unable to accept any food from her), i feel betrayed and used. I am unsure of my feelings, I still love her but i am unsure if I want her back or not, and the thought of being physically intimate with her disturbs me to the point that i am not sure if i ever could be physically intimate with her. I do not know if I can trust her again. I cannot believe or refuse to accept that the last 6 years, all the time and effort, me devoting all my energy to her, so much of myself,  was all for nothing. Yet i cannot help but ask myself that if she really did care she would not have done this or at the very least respected me enough to tell me that it was over and that she was seeing someone else. I have spent so long trying to forge a life with her that i cannot see a life without her. I am also scared for her well being and saftey due to the abuse she is recieveing from her current boyfriend.

I have given her so much of myself that i feel empty, that i have no more fight left in me. I see myself falling into a depressive state, where i do not have the energy to do even the simplest of tasks and where i am sleeping a few hours ever 2 to 3 days and when i do sleep i have "nightmares" which leave me shaking and trembling, in a cold sweat and vomiting. I feel like there is no hope for the future. I am seeking counciling but it is taking a long time to get any reponse. I honestly have no idea what to do.


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