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Author Topic: Stopping mytoxic/controling attention seeking behavior

November 24, 2019, 02:25:58 PM
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EternalLovers


Long story short in this relationship I restricted myself after the incident when I was 15 I cut contact with guys for years due to guilt and in the end I expected my boyfriend to do the same leading to my controlling/toxic behavior that I want to change NOW.een insecure and jealous through almost all of it because he would obviously have female friends he would play with online or voice chat to. We've fought and over all even though I know he must love me after being together so long. I can't help but feel like I need to be noticed by others, be told that I'm worthy and good enough, like these words from my BF isn't enough and I don't know what I am missing.

Long story short in this relationship I restricted myself after the incident when I was 15 I cut contact with guys for years due to guilt and in the end I expected my boyfriend to do the same leading to my controling/toxic behavior that I want to change NOW.

Scold me if you wish I am still trying to identify my actions. I wouldn't wish my bf to do this to me but would you class this as cheating I'm not trying to be funny I am actually serious as the 15 year old girl inside me is still torn on this issue. I realize I never wanted to do what I did that night

Back when I was 15 I flashed a boy who was my friend over skype for attention I realize now because my bf and I were fighting and he said some horrible things to me. I honestly called my friend for comfort and to vent but in my state of weakness I remember him slowly flattering me into giving him a peak. It was the longest 5 seconds or so and I just put my shirt back down

The second I did such an action I ended the call and confided in my bf with overwhelming guilt and obviously he was hurt at the time but forgave me. That was easily 5 years ago now and for some reason it haunts me to this day.

On other occasions my bf and I broke up for a few months but we were still talking. I recall at my first job at 18 I kissed a tall creepy guy on the cheek and gave in to his compliments even though I was truly uncomfortable with him since he was in his 20s. It was fine in the beginning but I realized I was rebounding and just wanted attention as always. I remember saying to him "I want to see if I feel anything and see if I'm over my boyfriend now." So he leaned down hoping for more but I just turned his head and pecked his cheek.

After that kiss I recede and began to confide in my boyfriend as I updated him throughout the day. I wanted to hurt him and I wanted him to desire me so bad because I felt so worthless for some reason. I don't even remember the reason we broke up. He once again forgave me since to both of us we weren't really together anyway. In the end we got together again after a few more months of being apart.

My final two confessions which happened in the past 15 months I remember at my first job a few years later I confided in this man who was shorter than me and a little chubby I know I wasn't even attracted to him but I tried to win over his affections due to once again wanting validation (My bf was putting 100s of hours a week into a video game and I was desperate for attention). I put myself down on purpose so he could compliment me even and we hugged twice and that interaction over all made me feel like trash. We talked and over all joked around over like the 3 months I knew him really nothing else happened other than the hugs. One hug was to comfort him during his break up and the other hug was to comfort me with yet another fight my bf and I were having. I quit my job eventually and moved on. It still haunts me as I realize I was hoping to be desired by a complete stranger I used just like the other man in his 20s.

My final confession I had was I guess what you can call an emotional affair I'm not sure. My bf and I were in a guild and this guy 10 years older than I won me over as well by telling me I made him happy and he looked forward to seeing me in his streams he did since we only could text on discord. I never kept secrets from my bf since he knew this guy too over all I seemed to openly compare him to my bf and make it known I felt special to this guy instead of him. I confided in this man with my bf and I and our problems nothing else personal that I wouldn't tell my bf. In the end even though I was with this guy in his stream and even complimented him because I had an effect on him and made him smile, just watching him play over the few months we texted, I truly wanted to just be with my bf and I wanted him to chase me again. I once again used this man and I realize I may have had a crush on the attention he was giving me not the person himself, he told me what I desired to hear such as my bf being a jerk and that I wasn't crazy for feeling jealous over the game he kept leaving me over.

This man had different views than I when it came to marriage and we even discussed age gap love. In ways I was interested because I felt so disconnected to my bf due to this long long distance we've been fighting along side the drama that was on my mind at the time. The mans views kinda bothered me and I realized when I was fake flirting for attention or questioning "What would his hugs be like" "What would it be like to love an older man, can he preform or make me feel special because hes much older?"

All these questions swirled in my head for months just with random people that were men. I realized I never wanted any of these men I just wanted validation and their eyes on me.

I notice I stare at men more I never talk to them to use them like Ive done in the past since its so hard for me to approach without a sudden guilt. I try to just practice saying hello or smiling. Though when a guy at work does make me laugh in a group of people that also find him funny or if I'm just alone with someone on a factory rotation and we make small talk and I actually feel good just having anyone to talk to I am later haunted with my past and guilt and never feel like I can talk to men anymore.

I find my mind racing as if I'm attracted to them but I realize I probably just want to be noticed as I compare how big their hands are to mine or how big they are just in general. I'm not sure if I'm sexually frustrated or beyond repair.

I notice myself looking at men and women and simply just comparing lives comparing my worth and judging myself simply to their achievements in live or even their bodies

My boyfriend has had some female friends that came and went and some still stayed, this is mainly all over the internet. I have become controlling and jealous I remember demanding to see texts or see pictures and he would laugh in my face and obviously reject me. Before this behavior actually showed up I genuinely desired to know his friends and be apart of the group but he never let me in or let me meet these people and one day he even lied about one of their identities and over the course of the years he would compare me to these girls and leave me to play with them ignoring me for days or weeks as I begged and pleaded for him to just let me meet them.

I have no friends and have always prioritized him after the incident I've always been free for him and put him before myself and friends/family that I did have at the time.

I have gained one friend I pushed away so long ago because I was afraid she would take him away from me.


As of now being the end of the year my bf goes to a school course twice a week and sometimes uploads pictures to his Instagram about the food and drinks he enjoys with these people he met. Some happen to be female and at times my mind blows things out of proportions and I'm back to overthinking. I want to ask questions I want to ask for texts at times if I notice him typing or texting. My mind can't let it rest and I find myself becoming miserable with time knowing the girl online he lied about is still out there along with another new girl I only know some things about.

I find myself flooded with anger, guilt, longing and resentment. I can't be happy for him uploading pictures I ask myself "Why can't it be pictures of us" "I wonder if hes with her again..." I become anxious and jealous over time wrongly.

I die for approval from men and women but feel guilty when trying to talk to them normally because I wonder if I have inappropriate intentions.

I don't want to be controlling and just let my bf have fun with all his new friends but at the same time I can't tell myself

"Yeah hes texting with a girl right after he gets home hes obviously texting someone but it doesn't matter its not of my business. He walks to school with a girl, he got Starbucks with his friends and that one girl. SO WHAT? It doesn't matter, hes having fun and he will be home soon enough."

"Worry about something else, do your own thing and have fun!"

"This is your change to better yourself, do something new try a new skill or hobby."

The fact other girls make him smile and laugh or at times or he may even think about them I seem to sexualize it and feel like he would fall in love with them develop a deep connection and leave me.

When he smiles at a text I instantly assume, if hes quiet or doesn't reply on my own terms as I reply instantly when free. I assume and assume and over think and over all go insane.

I believe I'm like this because I want to be there with him and experience life instead of being apart. Our relationship is great when we're together and physical, we communicate can trust, we become so close and stronger together than 3000+ miles apart. I feel like I'm missing out on all these amazing moments in his life while these other women get to experience it...


How can I stop this? I feel like I'm loosing myself I love my boyfriend so much though I don't do things I like to do anymore by myself because I'm basically on standby for him every second I'm free. (I know Ill have to let him go and breaking up should be best for this situation. I don't want to, I know I'm probably worthless scum he should have left years ago and even he has done/said horrible things I haven't mentioned. I mainly wanted to talk about me and my faults)

What can I do to just stop all of this. I want to tell myself."It's ok he has friends that are girls they make him smile and laugh, its no big deal I trust him."

"Oh hes texting again, its fine I can wait."

instead of"Oh hes texting/typing on his computer, who is it? s it a girl!? Should I ask?"

or

"Oh that man is handsome and you're not a thot for a simple glance, there are many attractive people in this world."

"A man made me smile and laugh his joke was funny. Its fine!"

or simply"Im good enough, I don't need people and their approval or to be given compliments."

"I should better myself and worry about me and not other people. My boyfriend and I still have so much learning and growing to do before we can be together and close this 3000+ mile gap so I should work hard to be the best I can be while supporting him in his new relationships and achievements instead of being so toxic."

Sorry for the long post. I'm not asking how to fix my relationship but mainly how to fix my toxicity. I realize I should have been pointing the finger at myself first before even wondering why my bf prefers to be with others when its obvious I'm destroying him and myself.

I need words, anything before it's too late.

Thanks for reading!

How can I stop being a Jealous, controlling, attention seeking girl how can I change my mind set to trust my bf. How can I stop comparing myself every waking moment and how can I stop hating myself, feeling guilty and move on from the past?

TL;DR: I've been destroying myself and my boyfriend. I'm always seeking attention and validation from men, even complete strangers. I've used people gossiping and confiding in them about my relationship, I'm controlling, insecure and jealous and I'm loosing myself. I want to change and be better.

 

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