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Author Topic: Should I get over him

February 14, 2019, 01:48:19 AM
Read 597 times

Koko sen Neon

I was in my first year of university when I met him in a party. It was a instent connection that I wasn’t able to explain. It was a weird feeling. It felt like I’ve know him for a really long time. He was the first guy I had a crush in college and I was quite hooked, yet we hadn’t even had that much of a interaction. I was just finding myself thinking non stop about him. We got to have few conversations on the group chat here and there and had met few time in the library and studied all night together.

As he was the year above mine, we had few messages back and forth.
But as the year went by there were few parties and events that he missed out on and I wasn’t able to get to meet him that often so the distance grew. During this time I started getting close with a guy who I started to like.

As I wasn’t able to see him as much I stared forgot about him until one party when after a couple of month i saw him again. It was really weird as the emotions all came back and was intense I tried not to express it as I’ve been in a very bad relationship before why I’ve always had a really cold behaviour towards guys despite having feelings for them. At that party I felt a little closer to him but he left really early, I got closer with the other guy again. I had text him saying it was great to see you and had ended up texting each other till late in the morning but I later found out that he and his friends had left to go to another party. Which really hurt me as when we texted he didn’t let me know that. So I decided to not over think about him too much, why I moved on. By the end of the year. I had gotten really close with the other guy and actually became serious with him by than. I had forgotten about the previous crush and was fully invested in the new guy.

second year and I was now happily and madly interested in the other guy. I had just moved in with 3 friends into a 5 bedroom house for my second year.

So one night my friend, she text us last min to come to her house to drink. I was not interested but just for formalities had asked her who was there.
She replied saying his name and my heart stopped but what hurt more was when she said and his girlfriend too, on the list. I wasn’t able to understand my emotions and why I felt so heartbroken and hurt. I like another guy why was I still hang over him. I didnt go to the party but couldn’t  sleep all night thinking and replaying the snaps of them in the party and him sitting next to a girl who I guess was his girlfriend.

Than few days later we had a house party at our house, he came too. I kept my distance and played it cool he noticed my closeness with the other guy and I saw his disappointment in his eyes, to which I thought you have a girlfriend too idiot.

Things works out so weird sometimes that it’s scares me. During the party one of my house mate, he told him about how we were looking for one more  tenant  to move in to one of the room and at that same point he was looking for a place as he had to move as soon as possible.

So few days after the party he had confirmed his tendency with our agency and was now moving into the room below mine we were living in the same house. I know crazy.

By that time I had gotten over my feelings and was getting serious with the other guy and i had developed a healthy friendship with him as we were living in the same house.

Because of trying to not complicate things. I made it clear, I wanted nothing and was giving my all to the other guy and stablised a just friends relationship as he was also dating someone who I had met and actually had gotten close with.

A month pass and I had gotten to get to know him more as we lived together now, so it’s hard to miss each other but also with this  the other guy was really distancing himself and ignoring me as time went by I found it hard as I had truly fallen for him than and he just ended things out with me out of no where. I struggled and it was really painful. I was so hurt by the break up that I vowed to not get myself into anything another one again for now.

But living in the same house made that hard day by day I got to know him better and not falling for him was hard. Than one party, his friends were all starting to tease us or hint him to go and talk to me which made me confused.

 My friends too started teasing him asking what his type was, while looking at me. Which made me snap at them “can you stop it! he has a girlfriend guys”. To which he said “ I’m single. I broke up a month ago.” I just stood there taking the information in. I didn’t no what to do. I felt happy, sad, scary, anxious all the emotions at once.

But as I had been hurt before I just chose not to go in for anything more. I didn’t want to get things complicated, we lived in the same house. I builted a wall between us, while I fall for him harder every single day. Eventually leading up to we just staying quite about how we felt and going crazy and jealous when a girl came to talk to him or a guy came to talk to me during parties. It was like we were in a relationship yet we both didn’t say or do anything about it.

It was hard but beautiful in a way we spoke to each other with our eyes and understood everything. But my pass relationship had given me trust issues and he made things hards as just when I would feel better about letting him in I found out that

He had a sexual relationship with one of our girl friend who was in a relationship, it hurt me to find out. how he could have consented to  cheat on her boyfriend with him. Made me push him further but didn’t stop me from falling though, he was always there.

Than month wenton, we had our push and pull. Long nights of sadness and cries so much crying.

Than eventually just close to us all moving we shared the best night. I let my guards down and shared a night long of talking till morning. He shared his pass relationship, his insecurities, his emotions and what he sees himself doing in the future. After a long pause he said come on now you tell me yours, and I did the scaries yet the most freeing experienced. From that day on we felt a closeness and understanding of each other to a next level. After all the ups and down.

But both of us being Unsure of where we wanted it to go. We couldn’t express our emotions yet we felt it all.

The uni year was nearly coming to the end and we had to go back  Homes soon. I had gone to my parents for the weekend but ended up staying for a week and came back the next Friday. With my mind made up that I’m going to tell him how I feel about him.

I reached he opened the door but all his friends had come over.  I said hi to all and went to my room. We had planned a house boom fire that night in the garden as it was the last few days left in the house.

We were circled around the fire and all I could think of is why is he not coming. He came and sat next to me, I miss his presence, but he had to go back in as all his friends were inside. All I could think of was how can I get him to be alone with me, so I could tell him how I felt but eventually he ask us to join them to drink and than said it’s my last night. I’m going back home tomorrow morning my trains at 6am.

My heart sank. I couldn’t look at him and I felt like I’ve lost him forever now. There’s no point. He’s was in his final year and he was done with uni. He lived way up north and god damn I might be spending my last few hours with him.

I decided not to say anything and everyone fall asleep. He asked everyone to wake him up at 5 am. I couldnt say anything, neither could he. Yet we spoke like never before with our eyes. When the pain felt too much I left his room and sat in the garden wishing he wouldn’t  wake up and miss his train. But he woke up I watch him pack and somehow I fall asleep.

No good byes, no hugs, I missed it.

Month went on I messaged him I’m sorry I could say good bye but he promised he was gonna come back in August. I left for home too and wasn’t able to come back worst I just lost it I became ill and wasn’t able to keep contact, my phone broke down and eventually I lost contact with him I couldn’t get myself to message him or start anything. And just like that it’s been 9 month till I last saw him and 30 month from the first time I saw him. He was something more than I can explain but it’s hard to believe in such things. I’m stuck as I feel he might have moved on and it’s just me here holding on to those emotions.

I don’t know if I should just start dating other guys and move on or still hope for something but He’s really far from me and I barely talk to him or know what’s going on in his life. But I’m stuck I don’t know what to do.

I had to explain in the detail as i wanted it to do justice to what Ive gone through so I could get the best advice.
Please help me
What should I do
Should I just move on?