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Author Topic: Please help with my marriage.

June 06, 2019, 09:19:19 AM
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Love to brew

Hi all, first time posting here so please be gentle.

Mine and my wife's marriage is in turmoil, things haven't been great for a long time due to a number of things which I will go into more detail with below. We have been together for 5 and half years and married for roughly 3 and a half years, we also have a 3 year old daughter. We get little time together, my days off are in the week and hers are on the weekend and we rarely go anywhere in the evening due to having my daughter.

The last 2 years have been difficult for us as my wife has been studying to be a mental health nurse which has caused a lot of stress, her second year was the worst as she generally come home very unhappy/stressed/frustrated and wanting to quit. I was supportive and kept telling her that she can do it because she is incredibly intelligent and that this is what she wants in life(trying to reassure her that I am behind with this). This theme carried on and I found I was being dragged down by the negativity of the situation and ultimately felt like I didn't really want to hear about uni anymore, even though this is the main thing going on in her life, I wanted us to talk about more positive things, such as things we enjoyed doing in the garden, working on the house and planning them ect.. This would change, but would be very much up and down.
From this i then found talking about uni made me feel stressed and I didn't want to deal with it at all.

Our sex life has been very poor and wish that it would be more and she has known this for a long time and when ever we would have an argument we would say we need to have more sex and always felt better for it, I would promise to come on to her more but when I get rejected 3 or 4 times it really knocks my confidence and I just can't bring myself to come onto her anymore.
The lack of sex and then the rejection combine had sort led me to resent her a bit. In turn this has made me generally short and a bit critical of her. (I have realised a lot about myself recently that I can see a lot of my father in my which is not really a good thing)

Being critical and short with her has led her to think that I do not care about her, which is not the case. This has gone on for years and when we would get into arguments she would always tell me that she feels that I am critical of her, that I don't do enough in the house and to be fair I could have been doing more which has changed this year. I always equated the work I do, like working full time, maintaining our cars myself, renovating the house bits at a time being held back by money, sorting the garden, bins, bills, sorting washing on my days off ect... Was enough to argue that I do plenty but in reality it really isn't as she was the one cooking every night and cleaning the house whilst studying a tough degree.

I never really took responsibility for my actions which led her to giving up on arguing which was the beginning of this year/Christmas time. I didnt realise that she had given up as I thought things were getting better(which was why we wasn't arguing) , this was not the case, I thought me doing more like cooking in the kitchen and had also taken over the weekly shop had made a difference....

Not so long ago a long time friend of mine who had become her best friend, took her own life. This caused a overload of problems, she felt like she could come to me so was talking to her mentor at her work placement and developed an emotional affair.
I was heart broken but am more or less past it now.

I want my marriage to work and carry on for the rest of my life. Upon many many hours of reflecting I understand that I am ultimately to blame for all of this and am actively changing for better which is both for the benefit of me and her.

My main issue is that she loves me but I think in her heart has given up, I know she has been reading about divorce but says that she wants to try make it work. We are starting couples coucilling and are hoping this will help. I am not arguing anymore, I am listening, not being critical, paying for a cleaner to come in which comes out of my little bit of luxories money and have booked myself counciling to try and help me develop my mind for the better.

Do think she will stay? What else can I do?

I love her with all of my heart and regret my actions with everything I have.

June 24, 2019, 06:35:43 PM
Reply #1


One lesson I learned was to think on love as a verb ... it's a doing word - so you gotta set aside time for a date night - buy her flowers & perfume & let her know how good she looks to boost her self confidence ... when a woman feels good about herself she will feel sexy.

Good luck !!

July 16, 2019, 08:20:14 AM
Reply #2

Brenda W

Hi dude,

I can understand your ordeals but its' like looking into the mirror of my own marriage.
You see I am a nurse manager in a medical centre in charge of operating theatre surgical procedures.

My hubby is highly critical of me as a person, a spouse, about my upbringing, my past and my everything.
He claims that unless to him; IF our relationship is only a 1 nite stand potential;
there's no need for him to point out every area of improvements for both of us, since its' a life journey- together,
he did what he believed.

I am so stressed up at work as there are often several different disciplines in cases each day at my work place;
ranging from minor to some rather complicated surgical cases.
Thus I felt worse in his persistent perfectionist styled marriage and idealistic aspirations.

But look dude, I knew he loves me dearly thus he is going through such pains to correct things;
I had met guys whom don't give a shxx; thus they won't be bothered at all.
It takes great pain/ effort/ time and it can be very draining for him, I can imagine.

Still, I allowed my crazy BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) nature to disrupt my marriage time and again;
just to name 1 simple self harming action (There are quite a handful actually) which I did over the past decade
- I can cut my own arms with a broken glass piece over and over again; just to spike him.

My mother was an alcoholic since my birth, she was diagnosed with this disorder.

So you get the picture dude?

He had never for once thought of referring me to a mental institution for treatments; or sending me to see a shrink.
Why? He doesn't want to jeopardise my healthcare career and most importantly;
he does not wish to hurt my dignity self esteem or see me struggling to deal with social stigmas as a mentally ill patient.
He doesn't mind my past, but he wish to correct things/ mindsets for the future.

Traumatic past be it genetically acquired or groomed to be emotionally unstable... like myself.
Well... I just Can Not control myself sometimes; unfortunately its' my dearest husband whom had to suffer in silence-
enduring my despicable words/ crazy self harming activities and partner punching habits when I lost control of myself time and again.

We didn't had a wonderfully smooth or constantly sweet memory in our decade long relationship.
But we took the vow at a chapel, we shall be there for each other; till death do us apart.

No methods are 100% proven in solving marital problems.
There are some solutions worth trying, if you wish to:


Gd luck dude.
« Last Edit: July 17, 2019, 09:49:34 PM by Brenda W »


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