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Author Topic: Partners ex

September 17, 2019, 07:29:47 AM
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I have been dating a man on and off for 17yrs. I am now 57, he is 63. He had been very resistant to divorcing his ex-wife and told me he would when she began a new relationship. They broke up because she left him for another man , however it didn't last long. Unfortunately his ex had been a friend of mine but their they had been separated when we got together for a year and she was dating other men at the time. He did disclose that he had cheated on her various times throughout their relationship and wished he had never married her. I know this wasn't ideal but she was very attractive and I believed she would move on quickly and I had been single for a few years. Throughout our time together he would spend Xmas and birthdays with his ex which I didn't have a problem with because they had 2 boys around 12 and 14 at the time. However as time went on this continued and he would spend time at her house and go out to nice restaurants with her and the boys. They had shared care of the boys. Over time as the boys were well into their twenties I became more insistent about a divorce which he still resisted. They had no property or custody issues to consider. Things escalated when one afternoon he had chest pains while at her house, apparently one of the sons had been there too. The wife had to go to work so he called me to take him to hospital, which I did. He ended up having a triple by-pass within a few days. When he asked me to get some clothes for him from his place and take to the hospital,l I arrived to find the wife cleaning his cabin and replacing his bed linen with new linen and other nice touches. I became very panicky and could not go in to get his clothes because I then believed their relationship was much closer than he had lead me to believe. She was visiting him in hospital and from then, to my shame I felt unable to because when I saw her I would have a panic attack. Part of the reason was she is especially attractive and I just couldn't understand the continued contact and support for each other. I felt I didn't have a place so stayed in contact with his sister to get news on his recovery. He went to his sisters to recuperate for a few weeks after. I met him and told him how upset I'd been about his wife's actions coupled with him failing to get a divorce (by this time it was over 10yrs post separation). He told me he didn't know if our relationship was worth him getting a divorce. I believed he liked feeling cared for and the attention of his wife. I'm, not sure if there was anything else but my gut told me there was no physical relationship between them, he had told me it had not been good. I ended it at this time but returned 6mths after because I missed him. We resumed but when I brought up the divorce again during a bush walk, he walked ahead back to the house and locked me out and left my car keys at the door. Again the relationship ended for months and again I went back because I missed him. He finally agreed to a divorce but had to have dinner with her to tell her. I thought things would improve and we were getting on well. He would be very affectionate towards me when we were together (mainly just weekends) and we would talk on phone every day. However, through a little spying I noticed this year he went to her house on the day before her birthday, he knew I was upset about this because they were alone, and then a few weeks later he went to pick up spag bol that she made for him ( he said she had made a batch for one son and had leftovers). This time he parked his car away from her house so he wouldn't be caught (she lives on a main rd where I pass on my way to work) However on this day I left on an errand and saw him walking towards her house. I was upset but knew he had resorted to sneaking because he knew how upset I got because of their contact. I had always said Xmas and a couple of family dinners a year was ok by me but I could so no reason for alone time with her or a continued personal relationship when he regretted marrying her in the first place and they did not have on-going mutual friends. The final blow was recently when her best friend died of brain cancer. She became friends with this woman several years after their separation and my partner had met her, I don't know how many times at his ex's place. I asked about the funeral on a Sunday and he shrugged he didn't know anything about it. I then found out he attended. I felt he attended to support his ex, even though she had other friends there and he had no other connection with the friend that died. Although this seemed a really inappropriate time to get upset, I couldn't help it because I felt he was more concerned about her feelings than mine and it had been an on-going pattern. I told him once again that his contact with her made me feel insecure and jealous and was preventing our relationship moving forward. I must stress his ex is extremely attractive and had remained single. He accused me of being a manipulative bitch which in my heart I know I'm not. I just couldn't feel comfortable with the situation and would shake and go into panic attacks when I knew he had seen her. Anyway I can't go back it has caused me too much stress that I can't seem to change. The pros in the relationship was he was caring and emotionally supportive to me when we were actually together and the sex was great. He is currently unemployed, he felt he could no longer cope with his job. He is living on a small dwindling inheritance. I own my own home have a good career and 4 well adjusted and successful children. I guess I hoped he would have saw how I couldn't help my anxiety around this and his ex wouldn't have been important enough to him to continue this dynamic. Could others please give me their opinion on mine and my ex partners behaviour around this. At the very least I would like to focus on self improvement.


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