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Author Topic: Need some advice

January 07, 2020, 02:13:20 AM
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Hi Everyone,

Ive asked parts of this question before but I would like some more feedback on a wholistic situation.

I've separated from my wife of ten years which I am happy about and am currently going through the separation/ divorce process. Things happened between us that were quite destructive to our relationship, mainly the result of our builder going bankrupt while going through our build. As a result she became emotionally and physically abusive and I not longer trust her. To me while I miss my ex wife, that relationship is dead to me and won’t be recovered.

As I was going through the above I felt quite depressed about my situation. During this time I met a work colleague who I started spending more and more time with. Eventually I opened up and discussed some of the issues I was having and I became attracted to her, she made me feel valued and respected and happy. She and I spent a fair amount of time together - and she is engaged. Every day we would go for 1-2 coffees, and have the occasional lunch date. We traded texts all the time. We spoke on the drive home. We discussed topics like how many children we wanted, their names etc. a lot of the goals we had I felt were aligned and I felt a connection. We share a lot of interests and are both highly competitive.

This progressed and we started kissing each other. Things progressed and we were intimate twice. She has told me that she thinks I'm great and that there might be something there, but the timing isn’t right as she has a fiancé. If the situation were different it may have worked. I will point out this happened AFTER I separated and I have always been respectful on the boundaries of any relationship good or not.

After this my ex wife at the time came to my work place and confronted us, causing an incident at work. After this my colleague asked if we could just be friends. She said she is confused, but she thinks I'm great but she is getting married. I responded by saying that I really like spending time with her, I like her, and it would not be my preference to stop. I asked her to think about her situation, and what she wants from it as she must have started this for a reason.

Over the New Years we were both on holidays and she with her fiancé and the texts continued. I told her On a couple of occasions I thought we would be good, maybe even great together, and I want more. I asked her to leave her fiancé. She said no.

We exchange on most days between 50-100 texts, occasional pictures and while I have asked her, she says there is nothing romantic on her side there, however from my position there are still feelings. She has 8 months to go until she is married. We still catch up for coffee, and we say goodnight to each other. It’s odd and feels like a relationship and I am giving her the company and emotion she doesn’t have at home. I have respected her decision whilst I’ve found it hard, there has been no physical contact or kisses. She also as a point deleted my messages daily just in case despite there being nothing suggestive or flirty in there.

I reflect on my own situation and note that I want time to heal by myself and am not ready to jump into anything until my situation with my ex wife is resolved and I heal.

 I’ve been on a few dates and realise that (and without trying to big note myself) I’m relatively attractive on the dating scene (tall, kind, high income earner, fit and attentive by most standards) and have a high success rate. however nothing has caught my eye.

What I keep coming back to is this work colleague and I have exceptional chemistry and connection, and she is everything I want in a woman. Everything else I’ve made the women chase me as I haven’t found the same level of connection and it’s easy to do.

What do you think the situation is on her side, is she confused and waiting to see what happens with my situation and how it resolves, or is it dead in the water? What would you do in my situation - move on, break the friendship?
« Last Edit: January 07, 2020, 02:57:21 AM by Tony »

January 08, 2020, 09:09:54 AM
Reply #1


Hey man. Yeah that really sucks your ex came to your work. Low blow.  Anyway I can see why thats so confusing because part of me thinking you should just go be single and have some fun, the other part of me thinks damn you should fight for what you want and follow your heart. I have a similar confusing problem. But I think the real boundary you need to set is that you are not FriendZone material. Because right now she is getting the best of both worlds - her man at home AND your emotional support and time as well. Which gives her all the power and no reason to change anything. So maybe just spell it out to her, tell her you're in love with her and want to be with her, but you're not FriendZone material, and that it's driving you crazy to be texting all the time and etc.  So if she's hellbent on marrying this other dude then you gotta move on, and it's her lose.


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