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Author Topic: My boyfriends ex hates me and she's his close friend, advice on how to cope 😭

May 07, 2019, 01:02:10 PM
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Jas123


Hi,

So I need some advice on first whether it is rational for me to be upset by this and second on how I can cope with this and not get upset by it.

For the past 4 years I have had strong feelings for my best friend and him with me but because of a number of reasons we have always surpressed these feelings for eachother. Everyone who knows us has always commented on how were more than friends and everyone who meets us for the first time always mistook us for boyfriend and girlfriend. But both of us have watched eachother in other relationships and hated it but not been allowed to have issue with it as we could not publically admit to our feelings. But during this time I dated his friend and he dated a girl in our friendship group. Both of these relationships effectively ended because it became impossible to ignore the fact that our feelings for these people did not compare to our feelings for eachother.

So about a year ago we started having sex and my feelings for him grew but we couldn't tell any of our friends because the various feelings that both of our exes and other people in our friendship group still harboured. So we weren't exclusive and I watched him court other girls which I found really hard but at that point was used to it - and to be fair to him he didn't have sex with anyone else after we had sex, which I didn't. This carried on until about the end of summer, at which point I decided that I wasnt going to lie to my ex about my feelings for this guy as it had caused him a lot of paranoia in the past and I felt it would be morally wrong to let him be gas lighted.

This ex was really abusive by the way after our break up, with violence but also with a lot of narcissistic abuse. Part of this was due to him developing manic depression last year (similar to skitzophrenia and bi polar). So telling him caused a lot of abuse in the following months, but I do not blame him for it as I had really hurt him. But a long with this and the fact that the ex of the best friend I have feelings for, was clearly not over him - she would follow him round like a puppy and try to kiss him when drunk and tell me they would have been great togerher. It made it hard for us to be public.

However, it got to the point where my best friend and I were in a secret relationship and not telling our friends. (I told my close friends however). This put a massive strain on us because I wanted to tell the truth and it really knocked my self esteem that he didn't want anyone to know about us. Mainly because in a group he would almost act as of I didn't exist.

Anyway, eventually as things got more serious it became almost obvious to all our friends that something was going on and we were lying and I could see that they were getting annoyed. This caused a couple of months of arguments where I would get upset and try and convince him no one would care and he would get angry and shut off.  So I went against his word and sort of strongly hinted at it on a night out to his ex, as we were friends and it wasn't fair that we were doing it behind hers and everyone's back. She then went and investigated and one of my close friends that knew about it, ratted us out. I know she was doing the right thing, but it still hurt me a lot as it could have been eased into a lot better. And his ex had a massive go at him and told him I had told her everything (half of her info was from that other person). To this he was really upset and felt betrayed by me. His ex also said to him that I used to ask her about their sex life and would say stuff about him to her that would try and make them be less close. NONE OF WHICH IS TRUE. This makes me more angry than anything because 1) I can see clear as day that she is trying to make him think bad of me and other people think bad of me and 2) I have no defense or evidence, it's just her word against mine and I really don't know who he believes to this day. So this caused us to have a break - lasted like 2 days but still hurt me because he'd decided to be chill with her and upset with me.

Anyway all this came out, it was a massive drama. I texted her a few times and said I cared about her friendship and was hurt by what she'd said but was sorry and didn't want any drama. But since then, tensions between us have risen so much, other people in our friendship group have distances themselves from me and I feel really isolated. I feel like people think 'oh I like her and I'm closer with her than the other one, so if she doesn't like her, she must not be likeable'. To top it all off, she lives with my best friend/boyfriend and I have to endure watching social media stories of them hanging out. Because yeah of course our friendship was completed severed and damaged beyond repair but she forgave him in like a week?

My boyfriend/best friend has also said that he doesn't want me talking to my ex and if I do he's not going to be with me. I'm okay with that because my ex still loves me and I understand why that would hurt my bf if I carried on hanging out with him. Also our relationship is very toxic and filled with abuse. But with all this isolation, it's been really hard for me, as he is like the only person I can turn to for support. As it stands though, I'm not talking to him because that would mean the end of my relationship.

So FINALLY! I have been really really hurt by the fact that my bf can see how much this isolation due to his ex and our other friends distancing themselves has done to me. But he doesn't want to talk to them about it because they are his friends too and he said it would effect his own relationships and he has to put his mental health first. This has been giving me really bad mental issues and I often wake up with terrible nightmares about it. My bf doesnt seem to dislike the people that are causing me upset. I know that if my ex was in his position, he would have jumped to my side in a heartbeat. Does this mean that my bf doesn't care about me like you should a partner? Or am I being irrational in expecting him to want to help stop my isolation and talk to (now his) friends and try and make them reconcile.

One last thing: last week it was his exes birthday and we all went out for a meal and he was drunk but he came up behind her and hugged her from the back and kissed her on the forehead really intimately. Now thier being friends has never bothered me in a jealous sense (it did annoy me that he was forgiven and I wasn't). For some reason he has always driven home in my head that she and him have a polite but cold relationship, I didn't care if they were close and he knew that, but he still decided to really drive that home. Seeing that made me realise that they do actually have quite an intimate relationship and made me question why he lied to me about it. It also gave me a horrible pang of jealousy to see my bf doing that with his ex, but as she is in the friend group, everyone else said it was just affection between friends and it shouldn't bother me. Do I have the right to not be okay with that?

Sorry for the really long back story but I felt I had to include it so that I can ask for informed advice. I admit that I am really not okay with the relationship that him and his ex have. It really upsets me that he can see how much she and this other person in the friend group are hurting me - the girl he's said is the love of his life, but his opinions of them don't change and he still likes them just as much. It's just that she doesnt like me and I don't want him to be friends with her. Obviously, I know that this is not okay and would never want him not to be friends with someone because his girlfriend doesn't like them.

So how do I deal with this?
Is it rational for me to think he doesn't care about me because he has not changed his opinion on the people that have hurt me? (Not expecting him to act but at least change opinion)
What are any coping methods to deal with the fact that I don't like his and his exes relationship. I don't want it to bother me.
What do I do about this isolation that has developed through my friend group because of it?
From an outsider's prospective, are these huge red flags that mean I should end the relationship?

I really want to make this work, I love my bf so much and I know he's the one. I don't want to let complicated situations stop me from being with the person I am meant to be with.

Thank you for listening.
 :'(

 

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