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Author Topic: Musician Husband Doesn’t Like to Play With Me

May 02, 2019, 03:12:53 PM
Read 1212 times

Jaque Larson

My husband, “Bob,” and I are both musicians. When we started dating, I thought we could share our lives AND our love of music.

We don’t jam, he doesn’t sing songs I write for him, and if I get a gig for the two of us, he plays it grudgingly, as if it were beneath him. I understand he may consider music more of a job than a joy and might not feel like jamming away from gigs.

We play together once a month in Band A, but I want/need to play more frequently. His other band, Band B, has had a set gimmick for years, so I never expected to be a member, tho I did hope to be able to sit in on occasion.

When the lineup in Band B changed recently, I thought I”d get a chance, or maybe he would have more time to dedicate to one of OUR projects. But he not only moved on with Band B without me, he accepted an offer to be in yet another band, Band C. Now he REALLY doesn’t have time for anything else, unless he’s getting paid. Sometimes I feel like maybe I should save up so I can hire him to play with me ...

Ok, so I’ll get my own gig, right? Well, when I try to play with someone, the universal reaction is, “You’re with Bob now, why would you still want to play with me?” Or “Why aren’t you in Bob’s bands?” Alternately, if people do agree to play with me, it’s to get closer to Bob. Or, he thinks they suck and I’m too good for them.

Meanwhile, he doesn’t seem to care that Bands B and C are not at the level of musicianship he’s always valued. He says he’s only in Band C for the money, but I say why not market Band A more, or why not re-vamp Band B?

Other musicians have sat in with Band B, but never me. He teases me by saying we need to make that happen, but it never does. I’ve even offered to sit somewhere anonymously with a hidden microphone just to help with harmonies, but he would rather the harmonies suck than have me involved.

I’ve asked him to tell me straight, what is it? He just reiterates that I wouldn’t be in Band A if I weren’t good. In fact, he says I get more positive reaction from the crowd than him or anyone else in the band. Is he jealous? Does he think I’m going to overshadow him somehow?   

So, HE won’t play with me, no one else will play with me, and I”m slowly going out of my mind. Ideas??

May 09, 2019, 07:37:28 PM
Reply #1


Your husband is definitely not the kind to lift you up...
Please take it easy and leave him alone, stop asking to play with him if he doesn't want to.

Do your own thing and maybe do other things together, but not music .

We can't really guess his reasons...

July 10, 2019, 10:00:43 AM
Reply #2


I'm a local therapist and I have heard many stories like this and I've experienced it myself. It can be quite hard but you will get through this.
I will show you a video that really helped me here : https://dausel.co/wMsnlY
Last year I was stuck in the same way and this really helped me a lot.
Hope things get better.

July 23, 2019, 06:45:13 AM
Reply #3


Whatever his reasons, and you may never know what they are, don't let it impact on your love of playing music. Play the music you want to in the way that you want to, and don't let your self worth get caught up in him not wanting to be part of that. Try to stop thinking about why he doesn't want you to be part of what he does, because you are more than just backing in his band!


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