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Author Topic: Im positive I found my soul mate, but I still reminisce over my ex. Why..

January 17, 2019, 02:40:23 PM
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ldrennan


I would call my sittuation unique because I can't find any advice that actually helps or has anything to do with me. Every website I've looked on has similar topics, but not quite, and they all have different pieces of advice. Every person I've talked to doesn't know what to say and I'm also hesitant to talk about it because of the fear of being judged for how I feel instead of helped...

So last year I got out of a bad two year relationship and it actually felt amazing. Where I went wrong is I listened to some stupid advice from a toxic friend at the time. She told me to stop taking relationships so seriously and thinking about marriage because I'm so young. She was right on that, but then she told me to have fun and sleep around...so that's what was wrong. It was my senior year in highschool and I figured I've been a "good girl" my entire life, so don't I deserve to do what everyone else does for once? Without consequences? I had just wasted my entire highschool being abused and sulking over bad relationships. I thought instead of being such a moral centered strict judgmemtal prude, I couldve "had some fun for once". It's a habit of mine that to cope with something or fix something, I just do the extreme opposite. I was wrong, like seriously wrong this time.

I took on too much for myself and I couldn't handle it. Pretty much all year I partied with my friend (by that I mean drinking at her apartment  because there was nothing else to do in our small City) and flirted with who I wanted. It felt good to be in control, until I realized I wasn't. Everytime I slept with someone or flirted, it came to my attention that I couldn't do it just casually or meaninglessly. I caught feelings every guy I slept with, soon I started to realize I don't have the heart to just to one night stands.

Most of those guys though I luckily got over quickly enough, but there was one mistake I made with two guys that still haunts me and my current relationship, and this is also why it sucks to live in a city where everyone knows each other.

Almost a year ago in February, I got drunk one night and went to a concert with my friends, but the dropped me off at home afterwards. It was still pretty early in the night and I felt like if I just went to bed it would be a waste. Then I started getting sad and lonely like I always did at some point when drinking. I realize for the first time since it's mattered to me, I was really alone. I didn't have good friends to talk to or a boyfriend to make me happy, even if it was a crappy one. I remembered though my foolish philosophy throughout the year of "I'm an independent woman who can get any guy she wants". I started to remind myself that I wasn't pathetic and I could go after people I wanted if I wanted to. So I didn't have to be alone. Then I remembered that I did something really childish and silly, I wrote something in my journal a couple weeks ago as a way to make myself feel better. I made a list of all the guys I liked or would be interested in talking to or hooking up with.

Next to each name I wrote who I was most okay with dating and who I should stay away from emotionally (aka just fling material). I never meant for it to really be used, but I looked it over...and used it that night. I was only supposed to pick one, but I narrowed it down to two guys. I don't know why in the hell I did that, but I did and the decision I ended up making ruined my life it felt like, and sometimes still feels like. I added both guys on Snapchat, both of whom I didn't really know, but I've talked to at certain points in my life. Now remembering all this I can't believe I was always so obvious to what happens around me, and I don't know how to interpret things correctly. I have a hard time understanding the meaning of things and if they meant anything at all, it'll make more sense later.

One of the guys answered me right away, the other didn't until morning. I can't explain it but I had a sudden infatuation and interest in both of them at the same time, even though from the start I knew it would turn out badly. I made plans to hook up with the first guy because we both couldn't drive that night and he was at his friends house. The guy who answered me in the morning just talked to me, and he seemed really happy I messaged him...nothing sexual just happy. And now that I remember that's what it was like at one point with that guy, it completely slipped my mind though.  So I wresetled what to do about everything the next day at school when I was all sobered up. I surprisingly still wanted to go through with it, and by that time I had also made plans later in the day with the second guy too, but later in the week apart from the first guy. Both plans were just to hook up...nothing else. I made that clear though I felt differently.

I remember thinking it was okay because my friend had slept with two people are different times in one night, but deep inside I knew I was making a huge mistake. Though I was already so emotionally invested in both people that I couldn't make myself stop. Why, I have no idea, because I had only started talking to them again not even 24 hours ago (I'm very emotionally vulnerable). I remember writing in my diary about both guys, it went from "oh I really really like this guy I'm so over the stars crazy for him" to saying the same thing about the next guy later on, switching back and forth. This had never happened to me before and I felt extremely guilty for it, but it was also extremely difficult to just turn my feelings off. I was so used to growing up in a strict controlled environment and taught what was wrong to think and what was right, but this time I just allowed myself to feel what came.

So I hooked up with the first guy that night. I was so elated at the idea of what I just did and with who, and I wrote about it endlessly in my jourmal. Then the other guy texted me...and I remembered I had made plans with him too, but I didn't want to go back on them either. So he wanted to meet me alot earlier because he said he finally wanted to hangout in person. He went to my school a few years back when I was a freshman and he was a junior, but we never hangout in person. So we ended up sleeping together the next night.

Each time I did, I didn't feel right at first. I actually would have preferred to just cuddle and fall asleep, but I made the plans so I stuck with them. The sex was my least favorite part actually, not that it was bad. But it was the connection I thought was there as I talked to them, or maybe there was one I don't know.

And here's where it all went to crap sooo fast. Well, it turns out when I was at the second guys house that the second night, the guy from the first night was there too and I had no idea. The first guy was friends with the second guy and his younger brother. The first guy and the younger brother were apparently in another room while I was in the second guys room. I has nooo frkn idea whatso ever that these guys even knew each other.

I felt just as much as a connection with this guy as the first one. The next day the first guy who still went to school with me, texted me saying he knew what I did. What followed was a bunch of him calling nasty names and being furious and hurt by what I did, he said he wanted to slash my tires and I deserved pretty much any bad thing that comest way. My dad was an art teacher at the highschool and he manipulated me into thinking he told my dad what happened and that I was going to be in a shit ton of trouble and I would never be okay again. It turns out he never told my dad, and after telling him who nervous he made me he said "good, I wanted you to feel how I felt last night".

I'm already very sensitive and I can't not feel guilty about anything, so I took everything really hard. I felt so stupid for what I did and I skipped school and went home bawling my eyes out and also I deal with depression and self harming, so there was a lot of that that day. I felt I deserved it anyways and the guy basically told me I did. I was really upset and then wanted to tell the second guy in case he didn't know, because I felt he deserved to know what happened. I also had no friends and I needed someone to talk to before I really went bezerk and did something horrible to myself. I went to the second guys house, gave him back his sweater, and he hugged me as I cried and I told him everything. He looked at me with wide eyes was said the name of his friend and I said " yes him, but I had no idea you guys were friends" and he told me it's not that, but the guy was downstairs! Again! The guy texted me upset that I was there again too.

So the end conclusion was that the first guy who was angry, got feelings for me too, but I ruined things with the second guy. The second guy didn't care at all what I did because he said he understood and he's done it before too. What I didn't know is that he slept around alot and basically didn't care about anyone from my understanding. So he he said he wanted to see where things went with us and that he liked me, but couldn't promise me a relationship. I agreed because I was desperate to continue talking to him.

So we actively "slept together" and talked. He saw it as more like friends with benefits, but I never understood how he really felt about me because he would always say "I like you, but not like that, and your beautiful and I'm sexually attracted to you, but I can't see a relationship between us, but we'll see"...so yeah I was always really confused. I always hoped he liked me mayble a little bit more than he lead on, but I don't know. I would go over to his house and stay the night and sleep there. We would watch movies and have sex and that's about it. I wanted to hangout, but our schedules were so different. I did a few times get coffee with them  though. The entire time he had another girl I knew of that he was talking to and actually loved, but there beliefs we're so different that it never worked out. I was the only one he was sleeping with, but he was emotionally invested in the other girl. Also ironically again, it turns out earlier that year when I stopped talking to him, he got depressed and started talking to this girl. So I delbt with the feeling that I missed my chance with him, and I couldn't just stayed talking to him.

I don't know why he kept me around, he always said it wasn't because of sex, but that's all we really did. I didn't even really want to half of the time but it was the only way to get his attention. He said sweet things and acted like he cared, but action wise he acted like I was just a toy to play with. I still wrestle with the question of whether or not I loved him because I don't know how else to describe the very strong feelings I had for him. I didn't anything for him even if he didn't ask. He told me a story about his ex taking his cats and selling them, so I bought him a cat and all the supplies and stuff. I gave him rides places and talked to him when he was sad about the other girl. In the end he ended up telling me he didn't know how he felt about me, but wanted me to stop talking to him because he claimed he couldn't stay away from me because I was irrisistable, but he knew that all he was doing was hurting me. It really crossed the line when I invited him to my graduation party and I was supposed to go to his house afterwards, but he invited a coworker half way through and she sat on his lap the whole time. I wasn't just drunk, alot of the people there told me they saw it too. He tried to tell me it's because there wasn't any room and he wasn't flirting with her. I blocked him on everything but not even that was enough because I was tempted to unblock him, so I deleted all my social media. I was already lonely, but now I had no interaction with people really whatso ever. I was pretty isolated for about two months and in an extreme state of depression. I felt stupid though because I kept trying to invalidate my feelings because we never actually dated.

I eventually ventured back out into the social world and started to reconnect with old friends. I was completely done with guys. That was a good idea, but it turned into a bad coping mechanism. My solution for alot of things is to just isolate myself. So I stuck with ideas and plans to be alone for the rest of my life and to become a goat lady in the mountains of Colorado while making sweaters and writing books lol.

What I didn't expect was to actually ever fall in love for real, and to find someone that would treat me better than anyone ever had. I was convinced that true love and a healthy relationship for me just didn't exist and I didn't think I'd be good enough for anyone. I felt tainted and used and too broken for any good guy. Then in the middle of the summer close to starting college, I met my current boyfriend. I have met him only once before when I was a freshman and he was a senior. He was dating my friend and they had issues so they came over to my other friends house to talk about them with me and her. Beside the point.

I added him on Snapchat through the suggestion of the same friend who was there helping him that hectic day. I remember thinking he was really cute in highschool, but I didn't bother because he was dating my friend. I got that same initial immidiate feeling of obsession and euphoria by texting him and I felt like I was doing something good. But this time it was much different. I wasn't adding him to send nudes, I never intended on sleeping with him, I genuinely was really happy to hear his name and at the thought of talking to him. All that macho "I don't need a man I'll just be alone for the rest of my life" talk went completely out the window and I fell really hard for him, but this time I was caught and I didn't crash. He was a 21 year old virgin who had only been in two realtionships before, the more serious one was online and he never even met her. He was very inexperienced, but also hurt from girls in the past. He was actually doing t the same things I was. He was coping by not letting anyone in, but flirting around to boost his self-esteem. The difference was he only flirted, didn't sleep around. Another difference is that he is hestistanr to open up to anyone period, and I find it very hard to keep my feelings a secret and to hold things back. I came on pretty strong to him, and he eventually but pretty quickly opened up to me and admitted he felt the same way towards me. We instantly had a connection without even meeting yet, and the first night we went on a walk all over town together was even more perfect and full of sparks. We felt really comfortable around each other and he told me things he said he's never told anyone before and did things with me he's never let anyone do. We still have that same strong connection and this is by far the healthiest and most romantic relationship I've ever been in. I've never felt special when kissing someone before, but our first kiss was like nothing I've ever felt before, and I still feel that way! And he does too. Everything about the relationship and about him is so perfect and feels so natrural. This isn't me trying to convince myself of anything just because it's a healthy relationship, I can't honestly say for the first time in my life I think this is the person I want to marry someday. I never get tired of him and he never gets tired of me. Every kiss is still amazing and I'm more passionate about intamacy with him than anyone I've ever been with. I was starting to think maybe I wasnt straight or something lol.

Then, halfways  through talking during the summer...I find out hes friends with the second guy I fell in love with and bought the cat for. Except this time, not just friends, BEST FRIENDS! YEAH. HOW MUCH MORE FREAKING LUCKY COULD I GET. Now, it really didn't bother me a whole lot at first. And I remember promising myself to completely move on from that guy before I date my current boyfriend. I knew how special what I had was this time and I doesn't want to ruin it. I knew he was the one. I was almost positive I was over the other guy, until my boyfriend brought up the fact that I acted weird when he said his name or when a certain song played or if we drove past his house which is on the way to my house so it's hard not to pass. I told him I didn't know what he meant, but when I thought about it I did do those things, but it mustve all been subconscious because I didn't notice. I was too busy being happy and in love. He told me I'm allowed to feel whatever I do and that it was okay if I needed time, but I was too scared of risking losing him with time and I could tell he was really upset. I told him it meant nothing which it really didn't and that I wanted to date him and be with him more than anything in the world.

What wasn't the same is after that day I started occasionally thinking about let's just say "my ex" more and doing dumb little things like getting coffee at Starbucks because he works there and jogging by his house. In summer before I met my boyfriend, I did alot of these things like everyday, but I stopped once I met what I'm sure is my soul mate. They started to creep back in though and I tried really hard to ignore every thought and feeling associated with that thought that popped up. It doesn't mean anything, I don't want to be with that guy again, and I still absolutely love my boyfriend. I still truly believe we are meant to be together. But I can't help but feel guilty about thinking about my ex, and getting a really weird small feeling of wanting to just talk to him again, like a few times. Or wanting him to see me. I don't reminisce over anything sexual or even anything romantic. Certain memories and feelings just pop up periodically throughout the week and I don't know how to push them away. It doesn't help that now my boyfriend is comfortable with letting him hang around us (because initially he wasnt and me either). I don't know how to describe the feeling and I don't know if it's because I don't want to admit that the feelings are what the used to be still, or if it's me wanting closure, or just friends, or what the heck is going on.

 I really do love my boyfriend and leaving him isn't even an option in my head, but I don't know what to do about these recurring thoughts and feelings over the other guy. I never really did get closure or to find out how he really felt about me. It doesn't matter now but sometimes that thought still bothers me. It scared me recently because all mt boyfriend did was get a new phone and he was testing out the ringtones, and one of them was the sound to the alarm I would wake up to alot with my ex. I almost started crying and I told my boyfriend to pick a different one for his alarm. I also can't still see that girl my ex loved on campus or at Walmart because she still uspets me. This is off topic but I had/have an eating disorder and ironically she did too, so I used to look at picture of her to trigger myself to be skinnier. I did that almost every day for about three months. I spent alot of my time being overly obsessed and emotionally invested in my ex and now it's haunting me.

I've been with my boyfriend for now 6months and still have those thoughts and feelings on weekly basis. I still love him more than anything, but these thoughts are scaring me and making me feel extremely guilty. Sometimes I imagine talking with my ex one last time about what exactly happened and then we make amends and everything is okay and I feel indifferent towards him finally. All thar baggage gone.

I've tried everything, every tactic and trick and asked for every piece of advice, I've prayed and prayed, but it just hasn't stopped. I don't think it means anything, I don't think there's anything left to say to him, and I know for a fact I was never meant to be with him. So, why do I still feel certain things for him sometimes and think about the past? I'm desperately trying to figure out how to fix this and forget about it once and for all. I don't want it to ever ruin my relationship and I've tried talking to my boydriend about it in the past, but it makes him so upset. He gets borderline suicidal about it and I feel so awful for eever having done what I did with guy number 1 and guy number 2 last year.

Seriously...does anyone have any advice 😥maybe I could get some good advice this time...or not

January 18, 2019, 03:49:19 PM
Reply #1
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missg


I would call my sittuation unique because I can't find any advice that actually helps or has anything to do with me. Every website I've looked on has similar topics, but not quite, and they all have different pieces of advice. Every person I've talked to doesn't know what to say and I'm also hesitant to talk about it because of the fear of being judged for how I feel instead of helped...

So last year I got out of a bad two year relationship and it actually felt amazing. Where I went wrong is I listened to some stupid advice from a toxic friend at the time. She told me to stop taking relationships so seriously and thinking about marriage because I'm so young. She was right on that, but then she told me to have fun and sleep around...so that's what was wrong. It was my senior year in highschool and I figured I've been a "good girl" my entire life, so don't I deserve to do what everyone else does for once? Without consequences? I had just wasted my entire highschool being abused and sulking over bad relationships. I thought instead of being such a moral centered strict judgmemtal prude, I couldve "had some fun for once". It's a habit of mine that to cope with something or fix something, I just do the extreme opposite. I was wrong, like seriously wrong this time.

I took on too much for myself and I couldn't handle it. Pretty much all year I partied with my friend (by that I mean drinking at her apartment  because there was nothing else to do in our small City) and flirted with who I wanted. It felt good to be in control, until I realized I wasn't. Everytime I slept with someone or flirted, it came to my attention that I couldn't do it just casually or meaninglessly. I caught feelings every guy I slept with, soon I started to realize I don't have the heart to just to one night stands.

Most of those guys though I luckily got over quickly enough, but there was one mistake I made with two guys that still haunts me and my current relationship, and this is also why it sucks to live in a city where everyone knows each other.

Almost a year ago in February, I got drunk one night and went to a concert with my friends, but the dropped me off at home afterwards. It was still pretty early in the night and I felt like if I just went to bed it would be a waste. Then I started getting sad and lonely like I always did at some point when drinking. I realize for the first time since it's mattered to me, I was really alone. I didn't have good friends to talk to or a boyfriend to make me happy, even if it was a crappy one. I remembered though my foolish philosophy throughout the year of "I'm an independent woman who can get any guy she wants". I started to remind myself that I wasn't pathetic and I could go after people I wanted if I wanted to. So I didn't have to be alone. Then I remembered that I did something really childish and silly, I wrote something in my journal a couple weeks ago as a way to make myself feel better. I made a list of all the guys I liked or would be interested in talking to or hooking up with.

Next to each name I wrote who I was most okay with dating and who I should stay away from emotionally (aka just fling material). I never meant for it to really be used, but I looked it over...and used it that night. I was only supposed to pick one, but I narrowed it down to two guys. I don't know why in the hell I did that, but I did and the decision I ended up making ruined my life it felt like, and sometimes still feels like. I added both guys on Snapchat, both of whom I didn't really know, but I've talked to at certain points in my life. Now remembering all this I can't believe I was always so obvious to what happens around me, and I don't know how to interpret things correctly. I have a hard time understanding the meaning of things and if they meant anything at all, it'll make more sense later.

One of the guys answered me right away, the other didn't until morning. I can't explain it but I had a sudden infatuation and interest in both of them at the same time, even though from the start I knew it would turn out badly. I made plans to hook up with the first guy because we both couldn't drive that night and he was at his friends house. The guy who answered me in the morning just talked to me, and he seemed really happy I messaged him...nothing sexual just happy. And now that I remember that's what it was like at one point with that guy, it completely slipped my mind though.  So I wresetled what to do about everything the next day at school when I was all sobered up. I surprisingly still wanted to go through with it, and by that time I had also made plans later in the day with the second guy too, but later in the week apart from the first guy. Both plans were just to hook up...nothing else. I made that clear though I felt differently.

I remember thinking it was okay because my friend had slept with two people are different times in one night, but deep inside I knew I was making a huge mistake. Though I was already so emotionally invested in both people that I couldn't make myself stop. Why, I have no idea, because I had only started talking to them again not even 24 hours ago (I'm very emotionally vulnerable). I remember writing in my diary about both guys, it went from "oh I really really like this guy I'm so over the stars crazy for him" to saying the same thing about the next guy later on, switching back and forth. This had never happened to me before and I felt extremely guilty for it, but it was also extremely difficult to just turn my feelings off. I was so used to growing up in a strict controlled environment and taught what was wrong to think and what was right, but this time I just allowed myself to feel what came.

So I hooked up with the first guy that night. I was so elated at the idea of what I just did and with who, and I wrote about it endlessly in my jourmal. Then the other guy texted me...and I remembered I had made plans with him too, but I didn't want to go back on them either. So he wanted to meet me alot earlier because he said he finally wanted to hangout in person. He went to my school a few years back when I was a freshman and he was a junior, but we never hangout in person. So we ended up sleeping together the next night.

Each time I did, I didn't feel right at first. I actually would have preferred to just cuddle and fall asleep, but I made the plans so I stuck with them. The sex was my least favorite part actually, not that it was bad. But it was the connection I thought was there as I talked to them, or maybe there was one I don't know.

And here's where it all went to crap sooo fast. Well, it turns out when I was at the second guys house that the second night, the guy from the first night was there too and I had no idea. The first guy was friends with the second guy and his younger brother. The first guy and the younger brother were apparently in another room while I was in the second guys room. I has nooo frkn idea whatso ever that these guys even knew each other.

I felt just as much as a connection with this guy as the first one. The next day the first guy who still went to school with me, texted me saying he knew what I did. What followed was a bunch of him calling nasty names and being furious and hurt by what I did, he said he wanted to slash my tires and I deserved pretty much any bad thing that comest way. My dad was an art teacher at the highschool and he manipulated me into thinking he told my dad what happened and that I was going to be in a shit ton of trouble and I would never be okay again. It turns out he never told my dad, and after telling him who nervous he made me he said "good, I wanted you to feel how I felt last night".

I'm already very sensitive and I can't not feel guilty about anything, so I took everything really hard. I felt so stupid for what I did and I skipped school and went home bawling my eyes out and also I deal with depression and self harming, so there was a lot of that that day. I felt I deserved it anyways and the guy basically told me I did. I was really upset and then wanted to tell the second guy in case he didn't know, because I felt he deserved to know what happened. I also had no friends and I needed someone to talk to before I really went bezerk and did something horrible to myself. I went to the second guys house, gave him back his sweater, and he hugged me as I cried and I told him everything. He looked at me with wide eyes was said the name of his friend and I said " yes him, but I had no idea you guys were friends" and he told me it's not that, but the guy was downstairs! Again! The guy texted me upset that I was there again too.

So the end conclusion was that the first guy who was angry, got feelings for me too, but I ruined things with the second guy. The second guy didn't care at all what I did because he said he understood and he's done it before too. What I didn't know is that he slept around alot and basically didn't care about anyone from my understanding. So he he said he wanted to see where things went with us and that he liked me, but couldn't promise me a relationship. I agreed because I was desperate to continue talking to him.

So we actively "slept together" and talked. He saw it as more like friends with benefits, but I never understood how he really felt about me because he would always say "I like you, but not like that, and your beautiful and I'm sexually attracted to you, but I can't see a relationship between us, but we'll see"...so yeah I was always really confused. I always hoped he liked me mayble a little bit more than he lead on, but I don't know. I would go over to his house and stay the night and sleep there. We would watch movies and have sex and that's about it. I wanted to hangout, but our schedules were so different. I did a few times get coffee with them  though. The entire time he had another girl I knew of that he was talking to and actually loved, but there beliefs we're so different that it never worked out. I was the only one he was sleeping with, but he was emotionally invested in the other girl. Also ironically again, it turns out earlier that year when I stopped talking to him, he got depressed and started talking to this girl. So I delbt with the feeling that I missed my chance with him, and I couldn't just stayed talking to him.

I don't know why he kept me around, he always said it wasn't because of sex, but that's all we really did. I didn't even really want to half of the time but it was the only way to get his attention. He said sweet things and acted like he cared, but action wise he acted like I was just a toy to play with. I still wrestle with the question of whether or not I loved him because I don't know how else to describe the very strong feelings I had for him. I didn't anything for him even if he didn't ask. He told me a story about his ex taking his cats and selling them, so I bought him a cat and all the supplies and stuff. I gave him rides places and talked to him when he was sad about the other girl. In the end he ended up telling me he didn't know how he felt about me, but wanted me to stop talking to him because he claimed he couldn't stay away from me because I was irrisistable, but he knew that all he was doing was hurting me. It really crossed the line when I invited him to my graduation party and I was supposed to go to his house afterwards, but he invited a coworker half way through and she sat on his lap the whole time. I wasn't just drunk, alot of the people there told me they saw it too. He tried to tell me it's because there wasn't any room and he wasn't flirting with her. I blocked him on everything but not even that was enough because I was tempted to unblock him, so I deleted all my social media. I was already lonely, but now I had no interaction with people really whatso ever. I was pretty isolated for about two months and in an extreme state of depression. I felt stupid though because I kept trying to invalidate my feelings because we never actually dated.

I eventually ventured back out into the social world and started to reconnect with old friends. I was completely done with guys. That was a good idea, but it turned into a bad coping mechanism. My solution for alot of things is to just isolate myself. So I stuck with ideas and plans to be alone for the rest of my life and to become a goat lady in the mountains of Colorado while making sweaters and writing books lol.

What I didn't expect was to actually ever fall in love for real, and to find someone that would treat me better than anyone ever had. I was convinced that true love and a healthy relationship for me just didn't exist and I didn't think I'd be good enough for anyone. I felt tainted and used and too broken for any good guy. Then in the middle of the summer close to starting college, I met my current boyfriend. I have met him only once before when I was a freshman and he was a senior. He was dating my friend and they had issues so they came over to my other friends house to talk about them with me and her. Beside the point.

I added him on Snapchat through the suggestion of the same friend who was there helping him that hectic day. I remember thinking he was really cute in highschool, but I didn't bother because he was dating my friend. I got that same initial immidiate feeling of obsession and euphoria by texting him and I felt like I was doing something good. But this time it was much different. I wasn't adding him to send nudes, I never intended on sleeping with him, I genuinely was really happy to hear his name and at the thought of talking to him. All that macho "I don't need a man I'll just be alone for the rest of my life" talk went completely out the window and I fell really hard for him, but this time I was caught and I didn't crash. He was a 21 year old virgin who had only been in two realtionships before, the more serious one was online and he never even met her. He was very inexperienced, but also hurt from girls in the past. He was actually doing t the same things I was. He was coping by not letting anyone in, but flirting around to boost his self-esteem. The difference was he only flirted, didn't sleep around. Another difference is that he is hestistanr to open up to anyone period, and I find it very hard to keep my feelings a secret and to hold things back. I came on pretty strong to him, and he eventually but pretty quickly opened up to me and admitted he felt the same way towards me. We instantly had a connection without even meeting yet, and the first night we went on a walk all over town together was even more perfect and full of sparks. We felt really comfortable around each other and he told me things he said he's never told anyone before and did things with me he's never let anyone do. We still have that same strong connection and this is by far the healthiest and most romantic relationship I've ever been in. I've never felt special when kissing someone before, but our first kiss was like nothing I've ever felt before, and I still feel that way! And he does too. Everything about the relationship and about him is so perfect and feels so natrural. This isn't me trying to convince myself of anything just because it's a healthy relationship, I can't honestly say for the first time in my life I think this is the person I want to marry someday. I never get tired of him and he never gets tired of me. Every kiss is still amazing and I'm more passionate about intamacy with him than anyone I've ever been with. I was starting to think maybe I wasnt straight or something lol.

Then, halfways  through talking during the summer...I find out hes friends with the second guy I fell in love with and bought the cat for. Except this time, not just friends, BEST FRIENDS! YEAH. HOW MUCH MORE FREAKING LUCKY COULD I GET. Now, it really didn't bother me a whole lot at first. And I remember promising myself to completely move on from that guy before I date my current boyfriend. I knew how special what I had was this time and I doesn't want to ruin it. I knew he was the one. I was almost positive I was over the other guy, until my boyfriend brought up the fact that I acted weird when he said his name or when a certain song played or if we drove past his house which is on the way to my house so it's hard not to pass. I told him I didn't know what he meant, but when I thought about it I did do those things, but it mustve all been subconscious because I didn't notice. I was too busy being happy and in love. He told me I'm allowed to feel whatever I do and that it was okay if I needed time, but I was too scared of risking losing him with time and I could tell he was really upset. I told him it meant nothing which it really didn't and that I wanted to date him and be with him more than anything in the world.

What wasn't the same is after that day I started occasionally thinking about let's just say "my ex" more and doing dumb little things like getting coffee at Starbucks because he works there and jogging by his house. In summer before I met my boyfriend, I did alot of these things like everyday, but I stopped once I met what I'm sure is my soul mate. They started to creep back in though and I tried really hard to ignore every thought and feeling associated with that thought that popped up. It doesn't mean anything, I don't want to be with that guy again, and I still absolutely love my boyfriend. I still truly believe we are meant to be together. But I can't help but feel guilty about thinking about my ex, and getting a really weird small feeling of wanting to just talk to him again, like a few times. Or wanting him to see me. I don't reminisce over anything sexual or even anything romantic. Certain memories and feelings just pop up periodically throughout the week and I don't know how to push them away. It doesn't help that now my boyfriend is comfortable with letting him hang around us (because initially he wasnt and me either). I don't know how to describe the feeling and I don't know if it's because I don't want to admit that the feelings are what the used to be still, or if it's me wanting closure, or just friends, or what the heck is going on.

 I really do love my boyfriend and leaving him isn't even an option in my head, but I don't know what to do about these recurring thoughts and feelings over the other guy. I never really did get closure or to find out how he really felt about me. It doesn't matter now but sometimes that thought still bothers me. It scared me recently because all mt boyfriend did was get a new phone and he was testing out the ringtones, and one of them was the sound to the alarm I would wake up to alot with my ex. I almost started crying and I told my boyfriend to pick a different one for his alarm. I also can't still see that girl my ex loved on campus or at Walmart because she still uspets me. This is off topic but I had/have an eating disorder and ironically she did too, so I used to look at picture of her to trigger myself to be skinnier. I did that almost every day for about three months. I spent alot of my time being overly obsessed and emotionally invested in my ex and now it's haunting me.

I've been with my boyfriend for now 6months and still have those thoughts and feelings on weekly basis. I still love him more than anything, but these thoughts are scaring me and making me feel extremely guilty. Sometimes I imagine talking with my ex one last time about what exactly happened and then we make amends and everything is okay and I feel indifferent towards him finally. All thar baggage gone.

I've tried everything, every tactic and trick and asked for every piece of advice, I've prayed and prayed, but it just hasn't stopped. I don't think it means anything, I don't think there's anything left to say to him, and I know for a fact I was never meant to be with him. So, why do I still feel certain things for him sometimes and think about the past? I'm desperately trying to figure out how to fix this and forget about it once and for all. I don't want it to ever ruin my relationship and I've tried talking to my boydriend about it in the past, but it makes him so upset. He gets borderline suicidal about it and I feel so awful for eever having done what I did with guy number 1 and guy number 2 last year.

Seriously...does anyone have any advice 😥maybe I could get some good advice this time...or not

I'm so sorry that you're having these feelings of your ex @Idrennan, I can see that you're really hurt and curious to know why you still have these feelings but it was quite obvious that the ex meant a lot to you. You broke your heart and having the feelings that you do is completely normal. But what is important is how you control those feelings

You can't let those feelings take hold of you, it's negative emotion and the relationship didn't work for a reason. I know it's easy to say from my end, but you really do need to try and move on, and try and forget about him, your feelings, what you did and focus on your new relationship.

The person you're with now clearly loves and cares for you - it's all positive and don't let the negative ruin it for you.

always here if you need anything, just post. let us know how you get on.

January 18, 2019, 04:02:38 PM
Reply #2
Offline

ldrennan


Thank you @missg , I do agree the solution is to get my feelings under control, I'm just finding it difficult on how to do that. There's quite a few other personal unrelated issues I have that I'd been meaning to see a therapist for, do you think talking about this issue as well with a therapist would help or am I being too dramatic? Do you think with time it'll get better?

 

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