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Author Topic: I want to marry my girlfriend but why do I keep dreaming about my past love?

March 30, 2020, 02:59:21 AM
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sodafiend


I’ve been struggling to resolve a particular concern for over a year now and I don’t have anybody I trust enough to share it with. I guess it wouldn’t hurt to ask help here instead.

My girlfriend and I have been together for over 6 years now, and I’ve been thinking of asking her to marry me sometime this year. Neither of us has ever cheated or anything on each other. As far as I can tell, our values and goals in life are compatible.

I love her. There’s no denying that.

But, something has been nagging me for months now and I really want to get rid of this before I start the next chapter with my girlfriend.

I went through depression in 2018. I couldn’t explain it, but I decided to uproot my life from one city to another completely different place. I left everything including my girlfriend. At the time, all I wanted was to be alone to sort things out on my own.

My girlfriend was obviously hurt, and she tried everything to help me but I was adamant in my decision. Eventually, she agreed to leave me alone for a month or so after I promised to keep in touch with her with at least weekly updates.

I really struggled during those months.

For some reason though, I felt compelled to reach out to an old friend in college. Full disclosure, I (think) I fell in love with this girl in freshman year.

We were together almost daily during our first year even though we only had one class together -- that’s why I’m not sure if I loved her romantically or if I was attached to her. For a while, people thought we were a couple until we both started dating other people.
We started to drift apart when I started dating my current girlfriend. We haven’t seen each other in 3 or 4 years now, but I was so sure that she would respond to me if I ever needed her.

And she did.

I sent her a greeting and she immediately replied. I didn’t tell her about my depression. We just talked on Facebook and never met up in person. We would talk about random things and never really ran out of topics, which was pretty much how we were in college.
At the time, she was on vacation and she would send me selfies everyday. Those exchanges didn’t really make me happy. They didn’t make me sad either. I didn’t really feel anything. That’s why I don’t know why I kept responding even after I realized that.

At some point, I told her about what I did and what I was going through. We only briefly discussed it because I refused to dwell on my depression. I guess I wanted to appear “normal.”

I admitted to her that I didn’t want to see my girlfriend again for some reason. We tried to figure out that puzzle for a bit, but let it go because we couldn’t come up with a decent reason for my actions.

Then, I asked her about her own relationship. Although we haven’t seen each other for years, our common friends would talk about her boyfriend so I was at least aware of his existence.

When I asked her about him though, she immediately shut down the conversation and her mood changed so drastically that it got me worried. I thought she was experiencing some kind of abuse and delicately asked her about it. I know it wasn’t like her to get into these types of situations but you never really know with people.

She explained her mood by saying that she was no longer happy with him and was actually contemplating breaking up with him for good. Then, she changed the topic and told me that she also didn’t want to discuss the issue anymore.

This is a pattern for us.

Ever since we met, we would drift apart whenever we get into relationships. She would actually try to get to know my girlfriends but I always end up not hanging out with her because she’d always find something wrong with them.

She wouldn’t tell me those herself though. I’d find out from our common friends, and they never told me directly either. I just figured the comments from context.

I’m always surprised whenever I find out about these things though because she always seemed happy to hang out with them. She would even send me invites for all three of us (her, my girlfriend, and myself) to go to events together.

As for her boyfriends, she wouldn’t let me meet them. She wouldn’t even talk to me about them. Everytime I probe a bit or try to tease her (as how friends do), she’d get extremely mad at me and would ignore me for days. The one time I met one of the guys she dated was by accident. He and I were both on our way to her house so it would have been weird not to introduce us.

Throughout college, we would go in and out of relationships but we would never discuss those with each other. It was like that particular topic was “off-limits.”

When those relationships end, we would reconnect and the opening statements for us would always be the same, “So, I broke up with X last week…”

We both have no qualms sharing the details of our breakups with our other friends but we would be stingy with the details with each other. I really don’t know her reason. For me, I always found it awkward to discuss those things with her.

Fast forward to today and my dilemma.

I decided to delete and block her on Facebook when I got back together with my current girlfriend. I can’t explain the reason for this. I don’t think I have a good reason.

There was no turning point. I just woke up one day and decided that I want to make it work with my girlfriend. For whatever reason, I figured that the first step towards achieving that would be to delete my friend.

I’ve been feeling weird about it, and it hurts everytime I hear my friend’s name. I also heard that she broke up with her boyfriend (as she planned). My instinct at the time was to comfort her but I realized that she was no longer on my list.

Plus, I lied to my girlfriend and said that my friend deleted me on Facebook, not the other way around. I also don’t know why I said that. My girlfriend didn’t even ask. I don’t think she would have even noticed.

Anyway, now I can’t stop thinking about my friend. There’s this almost tangible pain I feel whenever I see her photos from other people’s posts. I dream about her constantly. And in all those dreams, I wake up just before I kiss her.

Why is this happening to me? Am I still in love with her? I had several relationships before this one. Does that mean I never got over her or something?

I never told her how I felt in college but I can’t be sure that she had no idea about my feelings. All I know is that people say we act “different” whenever we were together. No one really teased us about our relationship. It was like a “given” that we were a couple even though we weren’t.

What should I do? Should I confess to her about these feelings? Is it even love? Or is it just guilt because I did some random thing?
I have no intention of telling my girlfriend about this. I love her and I don’t want to hurt her. I truly want to marry her. She’s my future.

However, I can’t seem to put an end to this feeling. I want to stop thinking about my friend. I think I need some closure or something like that.

PS. I also posted this on Reddit but only ended up re-explaining my points to the people.

March 30, 2020, 05:16:52 AM
Reply #1
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running4goals


Do not compare to what you have now.  Be appreciative and slow things down.

March 30, 2020, 01:08:22 PM
Reply #2
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Youlookperfect


In my experience if you’re still thinking about a past love wait a while to marry your girlfriend. Things do NOT get easier after marriage and it makes leaving infinitely more complicated. #speakingfromexperience

April 20, 2020, 05:44:26 AM
Reply #3
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Angels


I’ve read that it’s pretty normal for someone to think about past loves while in a current relationship, and in some cases, like yours, it can be a hinderance. The best advice I can give to talk to a therapist or relationship counselor.

May 24, 2020, 04:48:14 AM
Reply #4
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maryjo


I really think that you should give it some time and let your thoughts play out. if you are still thinking about someone else, maybe put marriage off for the time being. it may just be a phase!

May 27, 2020, 01:03:39 PM
Reply #5
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Chad69


I know what I'm about to say,  I've been in the same situation.  I loved my ex girl but I also love my current girl.

The answer is right there,  u just need to open ur eyes.  YOU ALREADY MADE YOUR CHOICE.  WHO'S WITH YOU NOW?  YOUR CURRENT GIRLFRIEND!!!

Tadahhh <3. Ur ex girl is just regret.  It's normal for humans to feel regret.  Regretting something doesn't mean you made the wrong choice.  You're just curious to what might have happened if you and your ex is still together.

It's just a regret.  Don't Sweat it.  About ur marriage,  don't rush to marry just because u want to run away from regret of that ex.  Marry someone if u truly love her and ready to feed a family.  U need mone
Do u have money?  For a whole generation of babiess.  Well,  marry then
<3

June 03, 2020, 09:53:31 AM
Reply #6
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LoveLost85


Honestly, it could just be a subconscious thing but it seems like it's somehow stirring up some kind of guilt or doubt in you. If it's enough to make you question your resolve, then instead of questioning your dreams, maybe reevaluate WHY you feel you want to marry your gf.

 

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