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Author Topic: I hurt him, badly. Now what?

February 01, 2020, 01:03:28 PM
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After a looonnng time off Tinder , I got it back in late November due to moving to the countryside where I know NO ONE. I matched with a few guys but became very consistent with a guy around 25 mins from my place. I lived in a big city around 3 hrs away but moved back after my undergraduate course as I was very stressed from the last year. My parents are my best friends but have strict Christian views and dating a non-christian is frowned upon, judged, etc.(The last one I dated caused so much of a scene that I had to end it, leaving a horrible Christmas of arguements etc) So, the more that this guy and I talked, I kept it private until we were gonna meet. He very much became affectionate, attached and I enjoyed the attention aswell as having a bit of a crush on him and we ended up facetiming most days and, though I didnt feel I was ready to meet him, we somehow became habitually close. We'd message, call, send videos and I'd explain that when I went back to the city to see my friends, we could then meet and if we had sparks and became solid as a couple, I could consider telling my folks. We met after one month. It was actually very very nice; we kissed, spoke for hours, held hands for a few seconds and generally felt comfortable around eachother. But the nerves of seeing family friends and anyone who knew my family got me worked up, anxious and a bit sick. I told him my concerns but he told me he was willing to wait til I moved out (I only have a part time job currently so not much coming in) and I constantly told him I may not be able to move out for a while and that I may be wasting his time and leading him on. We agreed we werent together but continued the everyday calls, messages, vid chats etc and around 2 weeks ago, he lost it. He told me we live 25 mins away and why cant I just come clean to my folks and that I obviously didnt find him "worth" owning up which I got mad about - it wasnt my fault I was being watched and judged for who I dated and that I have had a  crippling anxiety flare in this past year which makes me sick alot and although I was aware it was my fault for even entertaining that we eventually end up in a relationship. Then he said "I'm sorry. I...Im falling hard for you. I cant stop thinking of the date we had and all the things we say were gonna do one day..Im gonna wait til however long". At this point I felt pretty stupid. This guy really believed we had it all planned out - marriage, kids, our own place. I'd often mention that I wanted these things one day but that I was NOT ready; I've got a horrible case of health anxiety which I had to be hospitalised for in 2015 and though I dreamt of it for the future, i didnt see it happening in any foreseeable future. Last week, he became very distant due to a new intense job, I was happy as it felt like we were being realistic and things were ending so I wrote to him saying "I guess you feel the distance between us too - I think were doing the right thing, this cant happen right now" and he was very mad. He told me he still saw me as his wife and mother of his kids and that i wasnt fighting for us. I told him it was actually very cruel of me to lead him on all of this time despite really liking him, just not being ready, home-wise and physical/mental wise. I told him I hated feeling guilty and that we should just stop. He finally agreed, very angrily and we went two days not speaking. Last night though, whilst I was out with my friends, he said "I know youre out, and I know we were meant to see eachother tomorrow before we ended things. Please, can i see you one more time?" I dismissed it immediately, telling him it would addd fuel to the fire but he persisted. I continued being stubborn and i was petrified to read a message this morning which read "I'm coming to see you at the station. I want a goodbye face to face. Its not fair what youve done and I hope you never do the same to anyone ever again." I had a meltdown as my parents were picking me up from the bus station and I couldnt imagine what this would look like to them - but I told him to please leave me alone as it was TRULY freaking me out. He said "How very dare you. I hope Im the very last guy you play with." and I havent heard from him since around 11am (its 6pm now).

I was in the wrong. I lead him on through future fantasy and generally cos I enjoyed talking to him and when we met, we had great chemistry so I was willing to take it very slow whilst Im trying to move out. But, I understand his pain. This has gone on for 9 weeks now and I should have nipped it in the bud two weeks ago. What do I do now? Im too scared to block him cos he has my number and I feel if I do that it will send him to the extremes of trying to find me. He knows my hometown but thankfully not my address. I thought he was stable until today. Ugh

February 02, 2020, 10:20:09 AM
Reply #1


Hey hope you're doing a little bit better now, I think you should just cut contact immediately and if this person likes you as much as he claims to he will respect your decision. I've been in the position you have been in, and it's tough once the feelings of guilt start to hit you. Understand that what you did shouldn't have been done but you have no power to change the past only the present, forgive yourself and move on. If this is meant to be when things get better for you, you'll eventually find each other again and if not this was for the best. I do suggest you block him especially if he keeps being persistent. Good luck!!!


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