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Author Topic: I hope you’ll understand

March 30, 2020, 01:11:49 PM
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Youlookperfect


You can’t talk to me? At all? Because of you or her? Are y’all happy? I still have so many questions. I know I hurt you, I get why you’re angry and closed off and won’t talk to me...sort of. I didn’t ghost you, I didn’t stop talking to you, I just COULDNT give you what you wanted and you shut me out. I wanted to. Gosh I wanted to. It hurt me so much my brain shut it down until 5 months later, I couldn’t bear it so my wall went up. I hate that I hurt you and I hate that I hurt me. I still have screenshots of a lot of our text messages and pictures. I often doodle and write your name then take a picture and put it in your file because I can’t just throw it away, I write you letters all the time, like once a day or every other day. I guess I’m telling you this because I want you to know it wasn’t easy for me, I didn’t play you, I didn’t trick you, it was real, all of it. I miss you. I’m sitting in the shower, E is eating frozen blueberries and I can’t stop thinking about you. What it’d be like if you were quarantined here with us. My parents dug a huge trench and redid the septic. I could see you there helping. I try not to look too long because it hurts me to see what might have been. I have to bring it back to reality. Which is that you wouldn’t have been here even if I hadn’t walked away. You still would’ve been there helping with YOUR child. Like it should be. But it wouldve destroyed us, I’m not strong enough for that and I knew it then. You got to be there to experience his first months, that’s precious and irreplaceable. I could have stolen that from you but I loved you too much to do that. I love him to much to do that, he needs you in his life day in and day out especially now when he’s making bonds and figuring out who his people are. Is it weird I just want a picture? I was scared to ask. But for some reason I love him too, I want him to be happy and okay with his dad. I hope A is the mom you hoped she would be. I pray for that, for y’all. I hope it’s at least decent, I hope you find joy in your sons smiles and his tiny hands clutching your finger. It hurts to think about but when I do I even hope you find happiness with her. I hope she loves you well and the way you deserve. I hope she can make you feel that spark of being alive. The one that makes your heart race as some cosmic electricity races through veins. Maybe you’ll never understand why I did what I did. But I hope you do. I hope you’ll forgive me. I hope I’ll be set free from the pain of letting you down, the guilt of ripping your heart out in front of my eyes. I hope I can find happiness in the smiles of my children too. I hope if we feel this way down the road you’ll give us another chance. I hope I’m not lost to you. Wandering alone in this world, half of me. I’ll leave you alone now.

 

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