I have the a very awkward situation, my boyfriend of 2 years has hurt me very badly in the beginning of our relationship. We have been on and off quite a few times in this past 2 years. I already come from 2 past abusive relationships. Earlier last year (2018) I went to an institute where i was diagnosed with moderate to severe depression. When i came out of hospital i was optimistic and ambitious about where my life would take me since i started my treatment etc... then i did something regrettably stupid and i went back to him. Since Aug we have been together again and every day i regret being back with him and in this relationship. We are growing apart more and more... I speak to him in a very ugly manner, with no respect, because I am reliving this hurt in my head over and over... I am upset with myself and am constantly angry... I don't know why I am still with him... All he has brought to my life is setbacks and disappointments.... There are so many negative things that i have forgotten about anything positive between us... I know i need to end the relationship, but he doesn’t want to hear that

I also feel that he has burdened my life financially and cannot do anything for me, now he calls me MS PERFECT, which i do not like. I scream and vent in such an ugly rage that i feel like i can even at times have the urge to hit him... I feel he is illiterate and cannot comprehend my understanding, because he always twists my words and draws his own very skewered conclusions... I don’t like to insult him, and I am constantly in defence mode because of all the hurt he caused me in the beginning. He did the same as the other 2 past relationships and accused me of being with men when i was not at all... He use to swear me very ugly and even accused me of being a lesbian. We tried couples counselling a year ago, but only went to 1 session, because he felt the psychologist was not understanding his point of view on things and felt the psychologist was taking my part... He says I always argue to be right, but i base my things on the reality of what happened and facts...

And because I come from where and what I do, I just feel that I have been wronged and hurt too deeply… I have lost my ambition and positivity. I feel empty inside and honestly, I feel like I do not love him anymore  I learned in the institution that I am a caregiver and always fall for these men that I feel I want to nurture. Since we have made up in Aug, he has not once raised his voice at me, and always speaks to me in a calm manner, but I don’t care… I scream, shout and swear him ugly and I keep telling him how I regret making up with him. And I tell him every day of his mistakes that hurt me and how he created this monster out of me. The one thing that has not changed is the assumptions of having other men, and I can understand why, because I have very cold and distant with him. I know and feel he is not for me, but then when he comes to my house I feel sorry for him and that is right. In the last 2 years of this relationship with him, I have not grown or moved forward in life, if anything I have just been put back.
We both agree that we don’t know why we still together, but when I tell him its best end things coz we wasting each others time, then few hours later, he is at house again?
The on and off of the relationship has also strained our emotional feelings, because he feels I lbreak up with him when I have someone else and I am bored with him, which is not true at all. We use to live together and we were engaged, but after I found out that his mother was paying for my ring after he promised to pay her every month but didn’t, I gave the ring back. What life can I have with a man who runs and asks his mother for everything? And this was the first break up in JUL 2017 when I ran away and went back to my house. There are too many things he has done wrong and also lied about, why I kept going back was because I genuinely loved him. And I have never cheated on him ever, I was not even with another man when we were broken up, and I didn’t even go out.
Now I am angry and disappointed in myself because I knew this would happen but still took him back anyways. He says he is ready for marriage and I feel he is not looking for a wife, but rather a replacement for his mother because she does EVERYTHING for him. Now he expects me to be his mother in his life but in a form of a wife, but I can’t.
He says that my true issue is that I hate men and am looking for excuses to justify my anger, of which I don’t believe. I am starting to feel more and more less of myself. Sometimes he even makes me feel like I am dumb and don’t understand him, that’s when I get so livid and enraged and scream etc…
Please help me
EMPTY

Quote from: C AMOD on January 10, 2019, 12:18:46 PM

I have the a very awkward situation, my boyfriend of 2 years has hurt me very badly in the beginning of our relationship. We have been on and off quite a few times in this past 2 years. I already come from 2 past abusive relationships. Earlier last year (2018) I went to an institute where i was diagnosed with moderate to severe depression. When i came out of hospital i was optimistic and ambitious about where my life would take me since i started my treatment etc... then i did something regrettably stupid and i went back to him. Since Aug we have been together again and every day i regret being back with him and in this relationship. We are growing apart more and more... I speak to him in a very ugly manner, with no respect, because I am reliving this hurt in my head over and over... I am upset with myself and am constantly angry... I don't know why I am still with him... All he has brought to my life is setbacks and disappointments.... There are so many negative things that i have forgotten about anything positive between us... I know i need to end the relationship, but he doesn’t want to hear that

I also feel that he has burdened my life financially and cannot do anything for me, now he calls me MS PERFECT, which i do not like. I scream and vent in such an ugly rage that i feel like i can even at times have the urge to hit him... I feel he is illiterate and cannot comprehend my understanding, because he always twists my words and draws his own very skewered conclusions... I don’t like to insult him, and I am constantly in defence mode because of all the hurt he caused me in the beginning. He did the same as the other 2 past relationships and accused me of being with men when i was not at all... He use to swear me very ugly and even accused me of being a lesbian. We tried couples counselling a year ago, but only went to 1 session, because he felt the psychologist was not understanding his point of view on things and felt the psychologist was taking my part... He says I always argue to be right, but i base my things on the reality of what happened and facts...

And because I come from where and what I do, I just feel that I have been wronged and hurt too deeply… I have lost my ambition and positivity. I feel empty inside and honestly, I feel like I do not love him anymore  I learned in the institution that I am a caregiver and always fall for these men that I feel I want to nurture. Since we have made up in Aug, he has not once raised his voice at me, and always speaks to me in a calm manner, but I don’t care… I scream, shout and swear him ugly and I keep telling him how I regret making up with him. And I tell him every day of his mistakes that hurt me and how he created this monster out of me. The one thing that has not changed is the assumptions of having other men, and I can understand why, because I have very cold and distant with him. I know and feel he is not for me, but then when he comes to my house I feel sorry for him and that is right. In the last 2 years of this relationship with him, I have not grown or moved forward in life, if anything I have just been put back.
We both agree that we don’t know why we still together, but when I tell him its best end things coz we wasting each others time, then few hours later, he is at house again?
The on and off of the relationship has also strained our emotional feelings, because he feels I lbreak up with him when I have someone else and I am bored with him, which is not true at all. We use to live together and we were engaged, but after I found out that his mother was paying for my ring after he promised to pay her every month but didn’t, I gave the ring back. What life can I have with a man who runs and asks his mother for everything? And this was the first break up in JUL 2017 when I ran away and went back to my house. There are too many things he has done wrong and also lied about, why I kept going back was because I genuinely loved him. And I have never cheated on him ever, I was not even with another man when we were broken up, and I didn’t even go out.
Now I am angry and disappointed in myself because I knew this would happen but still took him back anyways. He says he is ready for marriage and I feel he is not looking for a wife, but rather a replacement for his mother because she does EVERYTHING for him. Now he expects me to be his mother in his life but in a form of a wife, but I can’t.
He says that my true issue is that I hate men and am looking for excuses to justify my anger, of which I don’t believe. I am starting to feel more and more less of myself. Sometimes he even makes me feel like I am dumb and don’t understand him, that’s when I get so livid and enraged and scream etc…
Please help me
EMPTY

I am so sorry, that sounds horrible. You really need to get out of that relationship, it's not helping you at all. You need to give yourself time to focus on YOU.

I agree with @goodevening - have you had a think about what you're going to do??