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Author Topic: I'm Stuck: Was It All Just A Fantasy? Am I In Love? Please Help!!!

July 10, 2019, 03:04:35 AM
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Sometimes I like to ponder on the "what if's" because something so seemingly minor can end up changing your life.
This man came into my life during early November of 2018...All because of a simple call because I was terrified of my Uber experience hours prior. Something just clicked when I was speaking with him on the phone, and we had talked for almost an hour. He gave me his work cell phone number to send him some information, but we ended up texting and continuing contact. We are 15 years apart, and I am a college student at the University he works at. It wasn't until I went home for Winter Break that we started talking more in a personal sense, with a touch of more flirtatious texting. He didn't talk much about his family until we got to know each other a little better, but I learned that he has a wife and children. This actually made him feel guilty for "letting me in" so-to-speak, and the first time that we kissed, he immediately felt like a terrible person. But it did continue, and part of me felt like it was wrong and a bit strange. However, we actually both agreed that feeling physically close to each other (we never ended up going extremely far), felt so right and so normal...as if it wasn't the first time we had come in contact with each other. Super strange. We were on the same page. Things were super fantasy-like from December 2018-March 2019.

I like(d) him a lot. But I never really knew what I wanted in the long run. He always told me that I would have to deal with his kids being first (always important)...if we were ever going to be together someday. I just didn't know how it would logically work out. A divorce sounded scary. I was afraid of committing to him (so-to-speak) and letting it get to the point where he would actually pursue a divorce primarily because I had no way of truly being with this person enough to know if I wanted to be with them for the rest of my life. Imagine if he ended up divorcing his wife and the grass wasn't as green as I thought? I felt like I would be trapped. My emotions got in the way of reality...I simply would reach back for his protection and love. I tried not to think of the future all that much. I just was comfortable with his attention and how much he cared for me. But I also always wanted more. He did what he could (and risked a lot doing so), but it was no normal relationship. We couldn't go on dates, hang out freely, spend actual time together getting to truly know each other, etc... Our time spent together was very limited. We'd spend a lot of time talking on the phone, texting, FaceTime, etc...

Remember how I mentioned I was afraid of commitment? Well I kinda did this thing where I would try to make him jealous...like consistently. I would tell him when guys would hit on me. I would tell him when guys would bother me. I was constantly seeking reassurance and clearly was/am insecure. I never told guys I had a "boyfriend" (even though we were both in fantasy land and considered each other bf/gf). Why? You tell me. I also told him when I hooked up with another guy... :-X Kind of sh*tty on my part. But I was truly insecure about him being married. How was his relationship with his wife? I know it probably was not perfect. He works overnight shifts while she works during the day. Him already having kids was both amazing and scary for me.

*Please keep in mind that I have some childhood abandonment issues, never had a strong relationship with my father, and have always been attracted to guys that are older than I am. It was very nice to have a man in my life who didn't use me, and actually cared for me and respected me...who liked me for who I am.

Boom. Shit hit the fan when he nearly lost his job when someone anonymously reported having seen him with me around campus before/during work, etc. on multiple occasions. It was a sh*t show. An absolute one. At first he was still loving/flirty with me, and probably in denial of some sort. I had a hard time dealing with this whole ordeal. I felt like I was part to blame for sure. However, when he had some time off of work to reflect on everything, strong feelings of hurt, anger, worthlessness, etc. doomed over him. He felt like he had risked everything for someone who wasn't truly committed and didn't care about him. Remember those times when I would try and make him jealous and the time I hooked up with another guy? Well suddenly that hit him like a hurricane. At the time I did these things, he never addressed them and he mentioned after expressing his feelings of hurt that he was at a different emotional state at the time and couldn't deal with it.

Now. Here we are. It is July...and things are weird. I still have strong emotional and physical feelings for him. Things are not even close to the same. I haven't talked to him on the phone since April. He is afraid of losing everything and I believe that since he is very thankful he didn't, he won't take that risk again. He is currently trying to correct his mistakes (I presume his wife must have an idea of what was going on). I am having a hard time letting go of this. He never made me feel alone, and I was much happier in the beginning of this year. It just seems crazy how things ended up. I don't think he's fully let go? I don't know for sure. I know he is still attracted to me, but does not engage the same way he did. I believe that we will always be best friends, but it is hard because we were more before. Now he is considering everything from a realistic perspective (which I have a hard time doing). He tells me things aren't going back, but for some reason I keep believing that they will. I just wish things were the way they were before. Part of me fears I will never see him again one day. That breaks my heart. I feel bad for hurting him, and I've apologized countless times. He hasn't been bringing up his feelings of hurt as much lately, though. I just cannot believe how stuck I am. I did not know I liked this man this much. How can I? Am I in love?
« Last Edit: July 10, 2019, 09:44:15 PM by firecracker07 »


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