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Author Topic: How can I be less selfish/emotional in my relationship?

August 22, 2019, 10:17:35 PM
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Lm0905


My boyfriend and I had a pretty big argument (the biggest we'd ever have; But it wasn't yelling or anything, it was just very serious) - long story short: we were originally going to be long distance for 1 year, and we originally agreed to get engaged within 6 months of October 2019. Since we were going to potentially be long distance, I asked if we could get engaged before the distance started, and he agreed (the distance time got changed to just 2 months instead of 1 year). I was going to look out/pick out a ring this weekend and this past Monday, we kind of started talking about it and then he said, 'why do we have to do it now? what was wrong with our original agreement of within 6 months of October 2019?" (honestly, I had no good reason to push it up). Then he went on to tell me that he feels rushed from our timeline and that he is 'not ready yet' and that it is really selfish of me to push up our timeline for no good reason, and only based on my needs.

We also moved across the country and we originally planned on 2-3 years. For personal reasons, I've really not liked it here and have decided to move back to our original city after only 1 year.

He basically just told me that I was selfish that I couldn't find a way to stay for the extra year that we agreed upon and how he is making the sacrifice for me/our relationship and staying only 2 extra months.

Then, for the past 3 or so days, it's just been really weird with us. We'd get home from work and wouldn't really talk much and there was some tension.
Well, I am a very emotional person, so I've just been crying to him for the past 3 days and asking what can I do to be a better partner and person. He basically told me that I need to stop being selfish and less emotional, and more rational.

He also said that when he moves back in December, we'd still obviously be living together, but I need to have my own life outside of him (I don't here in our new city, I never made the effort to go out and make friends so we've just been around each other most of the time). He said that back in our old city, it can't be hanging out with each other every single night. I need to see my own/old friends and build up those friendships again. And if one of us is hanging out with friends, the other doesn't always have to join. And pretty much said that if he comes back and things revert back to me hanging around him the whole time and not having a life outside of him, he'll move right back to the new city and make it permanent.

Him and I are going to be away from each other this weekend on pre-planned trips (he is going on a guy's trip and I am going back to the west coast to see family). We agreed that we won't talk/text this weekend, only to tell the other that we landed, but that's it. I think it'll be good for us to not talk for 3 days.

I've known that I need to not be selfish and I need to stop being so emotional. I've just bought a couple 'self-help' books on both of these topics, but is there any other advice I could get on how I can 'fix' this?

I want to become a better person and grow, but the helping my relationship aspect is a side-effect of changing.

 

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