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Author Topic: Girlfriend living with ex, what joy it brings

January 16, 2019, 11:55:27 PM
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Betweenarock


Hello all, new to the forum and wanted to run my situation past some folks, at the crossroads on a few things.
I am in a relationship with a woman I work with, its been going on about a year and a half. Work is work and we dont see each other during the day, only morning and when its time to clock out. When we met, I was a bachelor, lived on my own, no kids. She, was and still is living with her ex. Before we met, she had already been out of their relationship with him for about a year. When we started talking she told me she was a bit apprehensive to get involved with me because their relationship, even though broken up, was “complicated.” I, of course inquired, she said they had been a couple for 10, yrs, broken up for 1 and he had a child from a previous relationship and my girlfriend and he have a child together. She claimed she was still living with him so their daughter could have both parents under the same roof, makes sense I guess.

She also, said that once a month or so they still were intimate, for convenience sake, strictly to relieve stress or whatever the case may be. Well, when he found out she was interested in another man, he lost it. See, she does everything at their home, he owns the house, she pays rents but does allllll of the work: cooking, cleaning, takes care of the kids, animals you name it...he works and sleeps. In fact, he works less than her. At the point he found out about me, he threatened to kick her out of the house, remove her completely from his life. Then, of course claimed they should get married after a few days of throwing a fit. Mind you, he has cheated on her more than 10 times, which is why they are not a couple any longer. His interest in her grew greatly after she told him about me. Fast forward, things settled down after a spell and suddenly he seemed to ok with situation or at least thats what I was told.
A funny thing happened, more than once. When we first started hanging out, I looked her up on social media and found her page. It was public, visible and accessible, I was just curious about her in general, totally innocent inquiry. I told her I found her on there and she claimed it was odd because she had deactivated her account 6 mos previous. Next day, account is private, I am blocked and she just vanishes on social media. Didnt think much of it until months later I noticed she popped up again, again, she denies it and claims someone just hacked her account amd it must have been him or his “girlfriends”.  She was commenting on his page, deny, deny, deny...
I couldnt get her to tell me the truth even though it was there, complete denial. I am not hungup on the social media thing, only hung up on the lie, I dont care if she friends me or whatever, its the lying that gets me.
So, I look past it and tell myself she doesnt want to mix our relationship with online social media in case her daughter somehow finds out. Which brings me to the next thing; in the 1 and half years we have been together, I have met her daughter, 3 times, briefly. Same with her parents, I have only met them 1 time, they live 20 mins away. For holidays they will not invite me over but they will invite her ex.
Synopsis, for some time, I wasnt that invested in this, but I do love her, we are intimate but it as if she lives two lives. She can only come to my house after work, which she has a key, I have been to her house 2 times for the duration of our relationship. I realize good and well that I have put myself in this situation and that house she says she going to buy and move out never really seems to appear.
So, my question is, is it likely I am just an escape from her home life and nothing more than a way for her to get back at her ex? I mean, she says she loves me LOL, but I have a feeling in my gut I have invested all of this time with someone who will probably never move out of her exs house and will continue to keep me at arms length from her family and daughter as long as I keep giving her what she is not getting at home. Is it worth pursuing or should I just expect this to never be nothing more than a trick?
 

January 21, 2019, 10:18:30 AM
Reply #1
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missg


Hello all, new to the forum and wanted to run my situation past some folks, at the crossroads on a few things.
I am in a relationship with a woman I work with, its been going on about a year and a half. Work is work and we dont see each other during the day, only morning and when its time to clock out. When we met, I was a bachelor, lived on my own, no kids. She, was and still is living with her ex. Before we met, she had already been out of their relationship with him for about a year. When we started talking she told me she was a bit apprehensive to get involved with me because their relationship, even though broken up, was “complicated.” I, of course inquired, she said they had been a couple for 10, yrs, broken up for 1 and he had a child from a previous relationship and my girlfriend and he have a child together. She claimed she was still living with him so their daughter could have both parents under the same roof, makes sense I guess.

She also, said that once a month or so they still were intimate, for convenience sake, strictly to relieve stress or whatever the case may be. Well, when he found out she was interested in another man, he lost it. See, she does everything at their home, he owns the house, she pays rents but does allllll of the work: cooking, cleaning, takes care of the kids, animals you name it...he works and sleeps. In fact, he works less than her. At the point he found out about me, he threatened to kick her out of the house, remove her completely from his life. Then, of course claimed they should get married after a few days of throwing a fit. Mind you, he has cheated on her more than 10 times, which is why they are not a couple any longer. His interest in her grew greatly after she told him about me. Fast forward, things settled down after a spell and suddenly he seemed to ok with situation or at least thats what I was told.
A funny thing happened, more than once. When we first started hanging out, I looked her up on social media and found her page. It was public, visible and accessible, I was just curious about her in general, totally innocent inquiry. I told her I found her on there and she claimed it was odd because she had deactivated her account 6 mos previous. Next day, account is private, I am blocked and she just vanishes on social media. Didnt think much of it until months later I noticed she popped up again, again, she denies it and claims someone just hacked her account amd it must have been him or his “girlfriends”.  She was commenting on his page, deny, deny, deny...
I couldnt get her to tell me the truth even though it was there, complete denial. I am not hungup on the social media thing, only hung up on the lie, I dont care if she friends me or whatever, its the lying that gets me.
So, I look past it and tell myself she doesnt want to mix our relationship with online social media in case her daughter somehow finds out. Which brings me to the next thing; in the 1 and half years we have been together, I have met her daughter, 3 times, briefly. Same with her parents, I have only met them 1 time, they live 20 mins away. For holidays they will not invite me over but they will invite her ex.
Synopsis, for some time, I wasnt that invested in this, but I do love her, we are intimate but it as if she lives two lives. She can only come to my house after work, which she has a key, I have been to her house 2 times for the duration of our relationship. I realize good and well that I have put myself in this situation and that house she says she going to buy and move out never really seems to appear.
So, my question is, is it likely I am just an escape from her home life and nothing more than a way for her to get back at her ex? I mean, she says she loves me LOL, but I have a feeling in my gut I have invested all of this time with someone who will probably never move out of her exs house and will continue to keep me at arms length from her family and daughter as long as I keep giving her what she is not getting at home. Is it worth pursuing or should I just expect this to never be nothing more than a trick?

The situation sounds like a night mare, I wouldn't like to be in that situation. I couldn't ever imagine my partner being close to their ex, let alone living! Do you trust your partner because 10 years is a long time! It wouldn't honestly surprise me if they're still acting like a couple, cuddling, etc, because it feels so normal to them.

Do you think she'd run back to him in a heart beat if he took her back?

I would not like to be in this situation! I'd be encouraging her to move - but even then she's probably going to miss even more because right now he's at arms reach.

@Betweenarock

January 21, 2019, 06:13:56 PM
Reply #2
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Betweenarock


It is an extremely difficult situation, yes. However, sadly I have gotten to a point to where I just want to know the truth. The truth is all I have ever asked for from the beginning. Believe it or not, I used to trust her, now, because of all of the events that have happened, I no longer do. You may ask yourself “why stay and put up with this?” As stated above, I just want to know the truth so I can have some closure to this situation. As selfish as that sounds, its my right to know the truth. Question is, how do I prove it ir find the truth, because she has been so crafty at keeping me at an arms length for so long. I have been up front with her from the start, and I have always asked the same of her. Even if the truth may hurt her in any degree, I have continued to let her have it. She has a key to my house!! She can come and go as she pleases, without question. Dig through my stuff, whatever, I have nothing to hide. The first time I confronted her about the social media thing, I simply said, I need to have a discussion with you, her first response wiithout heaistation was, “You dont trust me do you?”. I hadnt even told her what it was about. So,
my reason for stucking around is to find out the truth. It no longer hurts so much as is it just my need to know the truth. Just something, anything.

 

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