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Author Topic: Emotional Infidelity??

January 11, 2020, 09:31:06 PM
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I am 50 years old and I'm dating the father of my 1st 2 sons we will call him “Rob”. Rob was recently released from prison where he served a little over 22 years and he has recently been released within the last 90 days or so. “Rob” and I were in contact for the past 10 years and he expressed a desire to get married. He asked and to marry him and I said yes. He is in Ohio and I live in New Jersey. He has plans on transferring his parole to NJ when the department of corrections allows that transfer, he submitted the transfer request this week. My problem is well one of my problems is Rob has a female friend who I will call “Lynn”. He and Lynn have been friends according to him for the past 30 years. Mind you I have known “Rob” for the past 33-34 (we met in 1985) years. The length of time that we've known each other or that he and her have known each other is in my opinion irrelevant, Rob spends a lot of time with Lynn and it's beginning to irk my spirit.

When he was released from prison she welcomed him back into her a life and her house with open arms, and since they were friends I had no problem with this individual. I felt that he was good that he had a friend who still cared about him she didn't throw him away and just look at him as just another convicted criminal the way a lot of people did.

Well fast forward he spends hours and hours upon hours at her house day-and-night. I had a problem with that so he said he would cut back on spending so much time with her and at her house. I recently discovered that he brought in New Year's with her. He and she were at the same New Year's Eve party, but he intentionally omitted the details of the event until the next day. I felt that he lied by omission. The week prior Lynn invite Rob and his father to her home for Christmas Eve. He knew I had an issue with that, but I told him to go and enjoy himself. I told him to go for 2 reasons, 1) I am not his mother, and 2) when you start telling adults who they can see and who they cannot see they will eventually do what they want to do anyway and just not tell you. It becomes lies by omission. In other words if you don’t directly ask them the question then they don’t feel that they have to tell you. That is not what I want from any relationship.

Let's continue he has now moved into her house. Yes, he moved into her house. He was residing in a facility that gave him 90 days to help him get on his feet. It was kind of a second chance program if you will. After his 90 days expired the facility manager extended him an additional 90 days. Well unbeknownst to either of us his parole agent informed him the day after the deadline that she was not going to accept his extension and that he needed to seek alternative living arrangements. He was in essence homeless. He didn’t have a place to go and was afraid that with no residential address to provide to the PO that she could or would violate him and send him back to prison.

In his state a convicted felon cannot reside with anyone who has fire arms legally purchased or otherwise or any type of drug or drug paraphernalia. His father has a legally purchase and registered firearm and all of his children smoke marijuana, his father smokes marijuana also. So according to him he had no place else to go and he was homeless. I offered to rent him a room in the city until his parole transfer was approved and his response was he didn't want me to waste the $500 which is what it would have cost me to rent the room, and he would rather just stay with his friend "Lynn" because it was free. That irked my spirit.

I have tried discussing this issue with him calmly and most of the time it does not come out calmly. I have never accused him of doing anything nefarious with Lynn, I merely say it does not look appropriate. I have discussed these issues with him hypothetically or in hypothetical terms where the situations where reversed to see how he would feel about the situation if the shoe was on the other foot and every time he tells me that if the situation was reversed it's not something that he would go for, that he would be royally upset and basically he would not speak to me anymore, but nonetheless and in the same breath he goes on to say but it is how it is for now and we should do what we have to do until we can be together. In my opinion he’s trying to have his cake and eat it too, no he is having his cake and eating it too. He has me here on the phone paying him attention and then he has the attention from Lynn in person. I visited him in Nov 2019 and we are making plans for me to visit next week as he cannot leave the state without permission.

A part of me wonders how to get him to realize that what he is doing is wrong but the other part of me realizes that he knows what he’s doing is wrong and he just doesn't care. He knows how it looks and once again, he just doesn’t care. That perhaps it is a means to and end. I'm not saying that there is anything untoward or nefarious going on between the two of them all I'm saying is it does not look right, I feel it is inappropriate and it bothers me immensely.

He said he told her about my thoughts and our interactions regarding the subject and that she was visibly upset. I told him and if she was "just a true friend  and nothing more" that him telling her that he shouldn't spend so much time with her would not have been a problem because after all she was "just a friend" and his fiance feelings should come first,  but on the other hand the way I heard she reacted and behaved and in the manner in which he said she did tells me that she has more feelings for him then either he knows or he is ready to admit.  Also I know he didn’t tell me the extent of her reaction. He has also told me on more than one occasion that men and women can't just be friends because one will always have romantic and/or sexual feelings for the other. I disbelieve that statement, because I have male coworkers and we are just coworkers. We will speak in public but neither of us is calling the other late at night to chat. I say that to say because he and I have been on the phone at midnight and she has called. He spoke with her for a few minutes and told her that he was on the phone with me and that he would call her back. I know those were his words because I could hear his end of the conversation. Well after they ended the call, she called him back less than 5 minutes later. He told me that she was feeling low because a good friend of hers was dying of cancer and she needed someone to talk to. I responded “I know you are not her only friend, but whatever”. He ended our call and went to console her. I told him that from that moment and his choosing to put her emotions and needs about mine that in her mind she now knows that she can call whenever she wants and even if we engaged in a conversation that he will accommodate her. 

I was born and raised in Ohio which is where we met. I left the city approximately 25 years ago when I listed in the Navy I now reside in NJ with my children and my grandchildren. We do not live together but we do live about 15 minutes away from each other.

My other issue is trying to help him reintegrate back into society after being away for so long. That is something that I feel that we probably could work on if we could get past this issue of him and his friend Lynn. Thanks for your time and I apologize for the lengthy letter. I hope that you are able to shed some light on the situation for me as I tried to be as detailed as possible in an effort to give you the entire picture.

I avoid confrontation. I am the type of person that I will back off and shut down. I don’t appreciate nor enjoy the contact unpleasant conversations that have existed for the past few weeks. I will fight for my man in a sense, but I will not fight for “our man”. Just to be clear I am not fighting some female over a man like dogs on a bone. I will not lower myself to that level. I am a lady and I respect myself. I am now at the point of backing off and saying nothing about the subject as voicing my opinions and frustrations regarding the issue got me no where except in a daily bitter conversation.

Her friend passed away yesterday and he has pretty much blown me off all day to spend the day with her in her time of need. I'm not a bitch, but damn. Am I just being selfish? By the way they have never dated "to my knowledge ", she is just a "family friend ".

Lost and Confused.


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