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Author Topic: Emoitionally abusive

October 17, 2019, 03:36:17 AM
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steveayit


Hi,
I am a male & my partner female. We have been together just over 12 months.

At the very start of our relationship, I took viagra to help with my nerves & worries about whether I could please her & a fear of not being able to 'perform'.

I did not tell my partner that I took this at first.
Eventually telling her about 3 months in, after an issue where I did fail to perform when phasing out using the viagra.

This led to my partner who has generalised anxiety to think that my use of viagra was down to both a lack of desire for her & also maybe because I was having sex with other women.

Over the course of time these issues have gotten worse for us.

Whenever we are out of the house, my partner now thinks that I am always looking at other women. She is so sure that this is happening , that I have had to question whether I am doing it subconsciously & not realising myself.
It has not gotten to the point where actually both of us feel very uncomfortable going out with the other, her because she know's I will be 'eyeing up' other women, me because I am scared of there being women about who I think she may think I will look at.

Despite these worries continuing, I decided to stop using the viagra full stop in January, in order to take that part of the problem off the table & personally that actually helped me , as I then felt confident enough to not need it at all anyway.

However in February, my partner found the leftover box of viagra, in my bag where I had left it & not used.
This led to her believing that I had lied about it & was hiding it in her house. Which to a point was true, as after deciding to not take it any longer, I had just left it in that bag & forgotten about it.

Bt she feels that I intentionally hid it from her, possibly for using with other women & from there the mistrust has only grew.

We have been on dates where she has left in the middle of a meal ,because she has seen me staring at another woman.
Despite me being very self conscious of her thinking that I would do that & consciously trying hard to look at nothing around us.
She will be convinced & still is, that I am 'glegging' as she calls it at other women.

If I try question that I might not have actually been looking , I am told I am gaslighting her & being emotionally abusive by playing on her worries.

To the point now , where I have to wonder if I am actually doing this without knowing, even though I am being super self conscious of my actions whenever we are out.

We very recently have now moved in together.
When we moved, I had packed the viagra still in one of my bags from my house. Doing that when she wasn't with me, I didn't know what to do with them, as I had said I would not take them anymore back in January.
I didn't want to throw them, in case at some point she would want to know where they were & if I couldn't show her, she may think I had used them elsewhere. So I packed them & forgot about them.

Then a week or so after the move, our issues were as bad as ever & she was very uphappy with me one morning.
I was going to give her the bag to use that day & remembered the the viagra was still in there.
Instead of telling her about it, worried about how she would react to it. I moved it to another bag.
Over the coming days , these problems kept getting worse & we were both very on edge.
Eventually we had one day where we didn't argue soo much & I was aware she wanted sex.
I felt a fear that I hadn't had for a while, that if I failed , she would say that was evidence I didnt love her & that would be the end f the relationship. So I took a viagra.

I did not tell her I had took it, as
A, it helped calm my nerves about potential issues
& B, if she thought the sex was with viagra, she would think it was not legitimate & be further proof to her that I don't love her.

However she could tell that I had used it.
After finding out that she had been going through all my things to try to find it , I told that I had took it & that I had moved it the few days before also.

This has completely broke her, as it is now evidence that I have consistently lied to her throughout our relationship & have been emotionally abusive.

I don't feel that I have.
I personally don't think I have been doing all the things she has accused me of. However , It is true , that I did not tell her about the viagra.

She now feels that she can never trust me again, whilst I feel it is that lack of trust that has led me to feel nervous enough to need to use viagra.

There is a lot of love between us, but don't now know if there is a way back.

Does anyone else have experience of these issues or advice?

 

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