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Author Topic: Does my husband have feelings for his co-worker? Advice needed!

December 05, 2019, 12:05:05 AM
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Please help me here, sorry this lengthy.

My [40 F] husband [40M] (married 20 years) and I have strict boundaries in our relationship around the opposite sex due to marrying young and learning the hard way. I generally trust him but there's been some trust violations in our relationship. I will keep it at that. 2 of the boundaries we have set is there is no PM or texting members of the opposite sex unless it is for a specific practical purpose, business/work, etc. There is some wiggle room here for long term friends, etc. but generally this is a black and white boundary that we have discussed at length. The 2nd one is that we are to be mindful of the levels of emotional support and energy we give outside of our relationship to members of the opposite sex.

Here's the scenario: He was in a college program. He started an internship at the college media center. He was working closely with a woman, [33F] Lara. They were friendly immediately and their friendship moved fast. Lara was clearly an attention seeking/drama/poor boundaries type. He admitted it right away. He said he had fun with her though as they shared a similar sense of humor and made each other laugh.

Within a few weeks of working together my husband sent Lara a private message with a funny meme which he thought would make her laugh. I asked him about this given our boundaries why he sent this message moving their relationship to a more personal level outside of work? He said he didn't think it was a big deal and he wanted to be "accepted" at his new job. I reminded him of our boundaries and moved on.

A short time later he invited Lara and another girl [26F] that they worked with to a group message to get personal support around an issue he was having with another classmate. This seemed okay because I know he was stressed and they knew the classmate. This group message continued and mostly centered around class assignments. However, there were sexual jokes and innuendo on Lara's and my husband's end. Lara had made some specific, crude comments about her sexual needs. I asked my husband about these things and he pleaded innocence and said that was mostly being initiated by Lara. I pointed out to him that there was clearly a precedence of banter around this and he downplayed it.

About a month after working together and being in a class together Lara had a meltdown in the middle of class and stormed out of class. My husband proceeded to follow her out of the classroom in order to give her "emotional support" around her melt down. I asked about their interactions and he said there was "no touching". Months later he forgot he told me that and he admitted they hugged during this interaction. He again downplayed it and he said that it was all initiated by Lara.

Lara invited my husband and myself to a Christmas gathering to drink alcohol and "make crafts" with a group of girls. My husband was excited for us to attend. I was completely confused and annoyed. My husband doesn't drink and loathes drinking social gatherings. He generally balks at any social activities or parties. He has given me a hard time for years whenever I wanted to socially drink with friends. He would never want to go to a party to "make crafts" ... The party never ended up happening so it became a moot point.

My husband told me a few times that Lara was very touchy-feely. He also said she was "huggy" and he had to "train" her to give side hugs instead of front hugs. When I later felt that maybe things were crossing lines he denied that they ever touched except for the hug during the emotional melt down scenario above. This all happened gradually over about a year. The little things started adding up.

Lara and my husband have a strong shared unique sense of humor and see the world similarly. It was apparent that they have a connection based on this. This is A-OK for him to have friends at work. But I was feeling off about all of these things....

In addition, one night when we were arguing about something unrelated my husband took off from home and on his way out said he was "going to Lara's house". He didn't end up going to her house, but just said it as a threat.

My husband finished school so I dropped it all and moved on. Now my husband is working with Lara again. He got a job after graduation and Lara went ahead and applied for an internship where he was working and landed it. Now they are working closely together again. I asked my husband to open up about any feelings for this woman past or present, for full transparency, etc.He denies any and all feelings, connections, chemistry, etc. Any feedback is welcome. Thanks for your time!

December 11, 2019, 06:28:03 PM
Reply #1


Very informative!! Of course they had something going on! I don't believe in this "just friends/co-worker" crap that a lot of people will try to convince themselves of... it always becomes more and it's how cheating ends up happening.

Your boundaries are the same as me and my husbands! The fact that he went out of them shows he is disrespecting you... of course that's a red flag in itself.

Is there anyway that he can limit their exposure to each other at work? Any and all precautions should be taken. This could also be a sign that y'all need spice in your life? Maybe try getting super sexy outfits for him and being really seductive. She clearly used her looks and charm to draw him in. No doubt she was flattered by the fact that she was able to get a married man near her... Happens all the time!

December 18, 2019, 10:52:16 AM
Reply #2


I have to agree with the above, especially considering that there has been trust issues historically your husband should be respecting those boundaries set just as you are. It sounds like this Lara is really trying her best, I can't help but feel like its no coincidence she applied to work at the same place as him. I would certainly try to bring the topic up with him again as I wouldn't be satisfied with his answer, don't let him downplay, let him think about how he'd feel if the shoe was on the other foot.

December 26, 2019, 05:37:55 PM
Reply #3


I agree with all of the above as well. They may not have physically cheated but there's definitely chemistry between the two of them and the reason your husband is probably denying that there's anything is because in his mind he doesn't think he'll ever cheat on you but I can certainly tell he likes the attention he gets from Lara and vice versa. Unfortunately there's not a lot you could do in this scenario without pushing him further away from you. You could sit him down one day and maybe give him a written letter of your concerns and what you're feeling (without attacking him), and suggest that you think the best solution is to put distance between him and Lara. Let him know this is your suggestion and leave the rest up to him. This shows that you are clear cut on your feelings about the situation and that he needs to make a decision on how to set things right. Good luck to you!

December 29, 2019, 11:23:44 PM
Reply #4


I think he needs a firm reminder that there need to be more boundaries between him and Lara. Even if nothing's coming of it now it comes off as disrespectful towards your marriage and saying he would go to her house as a threat is a pretty huge red flag. He's gotta get that situation under control.

December 30, 2019, 05:41:12 AM
Reply #5


Trust is core in a healthy relationship, if you feel trust has been feeling a bit off lately, you should consider talking to him about the issue, I agree with the first two posts above.


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