Please help me here, sorry this lengthy.

My [40 F] husband [40M] (married 20 years) and I have strict boundaries in our relationship around the opposite sex due to marrying young and learning the hard way. I generally trust him but there's been some trust violations in our relationship. I will keep it at that. 2 of the boundaries we have set is there is no PM or texting members of the opposite sex unless it is for a specific practical purpose, business/work, etc. There is some wiggle room here for long term friends, etc. but generally this is a black and white boundary that we have discussed at length. The 2nd one is that we are to be mindful of the levels of emotional support and energy we give outside of our relationship to members of the opposite sex.

Here's the scenario: He was in a college program. He started an internship at the college media center. He was working closely with a woman, [33F] Lara. They were friendly immediately and their friendship moved fast. Lara was clearly an attention seeking/drama/poor boundaries type. He admitted it right away. He said he had fun with her though as they shared a similar sense of humor and made each other laugh.

Within a few weeks of working together my husband sent Lara a private message with a funny meme which he thought would make her laugh. I asked him about this given our boundaries why he sent this message moving their relationship to a more personal level outside of work? He said he didn't think it was a big deal and he wanted to be "accepted" at his new job. I reminded him of our boundaries and moved on.

A short time later he invited Lara and another girl [26F] that they worked with to a group message to get personal support around an issue he was having with another classmate. This seemed okay because I know he was stressed and they knew the classmate. This group message continued and mostly centered around class assignments. However, there were sexual jokes and innuendo on Lara's and my husband's end. Lara had made some specific, crude comments about her sexual needs. I asked my husband about these things and he pleaded innocence and said that was mostly being initiated by Lara. I pointed out to him that there was clearly a precedence of banter around this and he downplayed it.

About a month after working together and being in a class together Lara had a meltdown in the middle of class and stormed out of class. My husband proceeded to follow her out of the classroom in order to give her "emotional support" around her melt down. I asked about their interactions and he said there was "no touching". Months later he forgot he told me that and he admitted they hugged during this interaction. He again downplayed it and he said that it was all initiated by Lara.

Lara invited my husband and myself to a Christmas gathering to drink alcohol and "make crafts" with a group of girls. My husband was excited for us to attend. I was completely confused and annoyed. My husband doesn't drink and loathes drinking social gatherings. He generally balks at any social activities or parties. He has given me a hard time for years whenever I wanted to socially drink with friends. He would never want to go to a party to "make crafts" ... The party never ended up happening so it became a moot point.

My husband told me a few times that Lara was very touchy-feely. He also said she was "huggy" and he had to "train" her to give side hugs instead of front hugs. When I later felt that maybe things were crossing lines he denied that they ever touched except for the hug during the emotional melt down scenario above. This all happened gradually over about a year. The little things started adding up.

Lara and my husband have a strong shared unique sense of humor and see the world similarly. It was apparent that they have a connection based on this. This is A-OK for him to have friends at work. But I was feeling off about all of these things....

In addition, one night when we were arguing about something unrelated my husband took off from home and on his way out said he was "going to Lara's house". He didn't end up going to her house, but just said it as a threat.

My husband finished school so I dropped it all and moved on. Now my husband is working with Lara again. He got a job after graduation and Lara went ahead and applied for an internship where he was working and landed it. Now they are working closely together again. I asked my husband to open up about any feelings for this woman past or present, for full transparency, etc.He denies any and all feelings, connections, chemistry, etc. Any feedback is welcome. Thanks for your time!

I have to agree with the above, especially considering that there has been trust issues historically your husband should be respecting those boundaries set just as you are. It sounds like this Lara is really trying her best, I can't help but feel like its no coincidence she applied to work at the same place as him. I would certainly try to bring the topic up with him again as I wouldn't be satisfied with his answer, don't let him downplay, let him think about how he'd feel if the shoe was on the other foot.

I think he needs a firm reminder that there need to be more boundaries between him and Lara. Even if nothing's coming of it now it comes off as disrespectful towards your marriage and saying he would go to her house as a threat is a pretty huge red flag. He's gotta get that situation under control.