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Author Topic: Do I tell my boyfriend of 3 years that I was raped 2 years ago?

October 20, 2019, 07:22:35 PM
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I have been dating the greatest guy for almost three years, but I have lied to him about a terrible situation for almost 2 years. For background, my SO and I met at university and he studied abroad his senior year for a semester. During his semester abroad I was at a Christmas party with some friends from my class. I had too many shots and the friends I had came with left without me. Some guys in my class had offered to take me home. I take them up on their offer and instead of bringing me to my house as I had told them to, they dropped me off at one of the guy's houses and left. I knew this guy had a crush on me and I knew I should have gotten out of the situation.
I think I blacked out because I do not remember much from the night after this. I remember falling asleep at his house and him waking me up by kissing me. I told him no and he stopped briefly. I then remember him trying again and I told him to slow down and he stopped. He tried a third time and he continued to have sex with me and I was too drunk/out of it for a fight. I woke up the next with the worst shame I've ever felt and threw up. I called my SO and sobbed on the phone. He was at a party in Italy at the time and he was asking me what was wrong. I told him that another guy had kissed me last night. I didn't have the nerve to tell him the rest because I felt so much shame and guilt. He asked me if anything else happened with anger on his face and I felt so much shame in the moment that I said no and lied to his face. I couldn't stop crying. I felt like the worst person in the world. He told me it wasn't my fault, but I never told him that this man had sex with me.
I think about this lie every day of my life. Right now I am working abroad and we are in long distance again. He flies across the world to see me in a week and it is also around the same time of year when the assault happened. I can't help but think, what if I had told him the truth? If I tell him the truth, will it just hurt him more than if he had never known? Is lying more hurtful to our relationship? Will he be more hurt that I lied to him about it for years than what actually happened? Is there even a point in telling him other than relieving my conscious?
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
« Last Edit: October 20, 2019, 07:31:00 PM by needhelp12 »

October 30, 2019, 05:48:41 PM
Reply #1


I think if it been haunting you and you feel like it causes conflict. It may be a good idea to tell him. But you need to understand that he is going to take on a lot of pain thinking about that happening to you. So you need to think. Is this issue something that causes trouble in your relationship and he needs to know it so he understands trouble you are having. Or is it that you need to talk to someone in general. If you do decide to tell him. I would be careful how you word it. If he got hostile when you said there was a kiss. I wouldn’t open with “ remember when that guy kiss me. Well there was more” I would just go straight into something bad happened to you. Like “honey I need to talk to you about something. I had a really bad thing happen to me a couple years ago and I didn’t want to tell you because I felt really ashamed and that it would just hurt you to know but I’m just not getting past it. I was raped. It was the night I said that guy kissed me. A bunch of guys drove me to a house I didn’t agree to go to when they had promised they were dropping me at home. Then they left me there with their friend. I wasn’t sober and I couldn’t defend myself. I don’t know if they had given me anything but I was at least drunk enough to not remember a chunk of it the next day. I do know he made a move on me and I told him no. Then he forced himself on me. I just felt like it was my fault. I felt like I should have known better then to trust them. I said no and he did this to me but it just felt like my fault. I didn’t want to let you down but I don’t know how to cope with it and it feels like I’m lying to you trying to keep it buried. There isn’t any thing we can do about him and what he did to me at this point but I could really use you support and understanding.”

December 03, 2019, 04:38:26 PM
Reply #2


Be honest, please...for your sake as well as his. It will sting him at first, for sure. But, in the long term, a solid relationship is built upon honesty and transparency.

Sorry this happened to you. Best of luck!

December 16, 2019, 05:58:29 AM
Reply #3


My advice is yes, uoi should tell it to your SO. Trust is one of the foundation of relationship. And the more that you try to hide it, the more that it will haunt you. I know it will be difficult for you to do that because of the fear that he might react in a negative way. But you need yo have courage, explain it to him. You did nothing wrong and Rape is not the victim's fault. Be strong. 


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