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Author Topic: Confessing to Secrets from Years Ago?

January 11, 2020, 08:31:25 PM
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Hi there,

My girl and I have been together 6+ years, 2 of which were long distance. We've both been together since about 18 years old.

Anyway heres my question:

Her and I are currently in an argument (which isn't really the point of this question so I'll just omit the details but will gladly post about it later or if anyone would like to know) about her recent actions having been very inconsiderate. But as I was thinking about all this I was reminding myself that I (obviously!) am not perfect either and to not be too harsh I remembered some stuff I never told her about from the earlier years of our relationship.

1) Around the first year of long distance (again I was about 19) I was at a house party thrown by some co workers and everyone was dancing and me not being the dancing type I was just sitting on the couch watching everyone dance. One of the girls at the party, who I only kinda knew, came over and sat on my lap and dancing on it for a few seconds (maybe 30-1 minute max). Everyone said it was best to not tell my girlfriend considering I didn't do anything to encourage the dance or anything and honestly it was pretty dumb but I never did. No further contact after that, I saw her around work a few times but we barely ever interacted.  Obviously I know that this was not the correct choice to not tell my girlfriend.

2) This second incident she was actually in town but I don't think I saw her at all that week. After I turned 21 at some point I went to a club for the first time with some friends and all the guys were trying to flirt and pick up girls at the bar, and I wanted to see if I even had any game anymore. So I went up to a girl and started trying to flirt with her, and failed horribly especially as her boyfriend showed up. Anyway later that night funny enough my girlfriend was in the area of the club and actually saw me sitting on the curb dumb drunk.

No sex or kissing occurred in either of these situations.

I feel really really guilty. I know both of these were horribly dumb, immature, wrong things to do and unfair to her. During her first year long distance at university she once got really drunk and danced with some people and made out with some people before finally blacking out. She came clean and told me about it though.

I'm not saying it excuses ANY of my behavior but during her years at university she was in a very emotional place and I always feared she would have a breakdown. She would call me all the time crying ridiculously stressed about classes, extra curricular, and family matters. I grew up with a single mother, our father cheated on her, and I had to be "the man of the house" at a really young age and often my mom was having breakdowns or on the verge of a breakdown so I was really worried that telling her would push her over the edge. Yes of course selfishly I was afraid to tell her about due to fear of breaking up, but also that it would push her limit emotionally, crush her, and get in the way of her schooling. I really thought I was "protecting her" and that because there was pretty much no way of her ever finding out that I should just keep quiet, suffer internally a bit about it, vow to never do anything like it ever again and move on.

AGAIN, I know that this was not the correct way to deal with things.

After that second night I vowed to just do better, and I have! In the years since then I've been completely committed, no flops like the above 2 situations, and made sure to be open and honest about EVERYTHING and really communicate everything. No games, no goofing around, nada.

But now I feel kind of guilty about it and I'm not sure what to do about it? I feel very hypocritical. Shes graduated from school and is in a much better place mentally and emotionally, and we've been working on me being as open and honest about my feelings as she has been able to be to me.

So I'm just wondering how to deal about this?

1) Do I tell her about these mistakes? I'm of course very concerned that she will be upset about this (rightfully so) and so feel like the foundation of the relationship has been built on a lie, and possibly even break up over it?

2)Do I just accept the fact that I made mistakes, feel the guilt and move on? The chances of her ever finding out are so insanely close to 0. I don't think the girl who gave me the lap dance even remembers, she also was very drunk (as was I), they have no connection, live in different cities. Similarly with the girl I hit on.

If you suggest just keeping it quiet, do you have any advice on not feeling guilty/hypocritical?

3) If you said to tell her, when do I tell her? Do I wait til well after this argument, which again the argument has NO relation to this topic at all.
« Last Edit: January 11, 2020, 08:56:36 PM by shadow42069129 »

January 14, 2020, 04:56:57 PM
Reply #1


I say keep your mouth shut. You have done nothing wrong in this instance and these are relatively minor in the scheme of things that happen in life.

In terms of guilt, why do you feel it in the first place? You need to forgive yourself, you sound young and a lot of this passes with time. Flirting can be a natural thing, but if you had intentions of sealing the deal different story.


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