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Author Topic: cheated on? Should I move on?

March 18, 2020, 10:56:19 PM
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lot123


I've been seeing someone for around 3 months. Claire had an ex who was abusive and beat her. She has been very upset of course. We had an argument the other week, she got very drunk and went to her ex's place. Claire said they never had sex but fondled about. Then she left and told me that she went back to ask the ex why he did what he did to her. Claire said; it was because of my ex Hannah and got angry, another reason she went to hers. Claire felt a bit intimidated by mine because Claire thought Hannah had better looks.

Now she is saying she loves me and fears I will break up with her. She asked me please don't and was very upset. Claire said seeing her ex was like a goodbye. She also said things can be messy at the beginning of relationships.

What do you think I should say? Should I give Claire and me another chance? Your views on this would be most appreciated.

March 19, 2020, 01:49:05 PM
Reply #1
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LilyPouille


Hi lot123!

First of all, thanks for sharing your story!

I think Claire had a moment ''feel apart'' that day when she came back to her ex. I know the psychology of beaten woman is difficult to understand but at some point they tend to come back to the one who make them suffer (her ex). But it seems like she is weakend by the situation with her ex and your ex (Hannah). I think she had a lot of work to do on herself.
Maybe she should seek some help (therapy?), because I don't know if the right thing is to ask her current boyfriend (you) to accept everything up and down of her emotions. But I still think, you should try to protect her. 
 
I would like to know how you feel about this situation? Do you love her? Do you trust her and her feelings? Do you want to build something with her? 
I hope you can communicate with her and tell her about the situation and your position in the latter.
Live. Just live.

March 19, 2020, 10:18:32 PM
Reply #2
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lot123


Hi, thanks for your reply,

Yes, I do love her and Claire said she loves me too. She seemed very upset when she told me and was fearing me breaking up with her. She has had drinking problems and anxiety/depression. She has been drinking since age 15. She currently has liver issues and is on various medications. She still is not wishing to stop completely and her sleeping is all over the place.

I'm trying to protect her and be there for her. I even offered to just be friends and said I would not desert her but she insists that she wishes for us to be together and that she wants to be my g/f. She even proposed to me not long ago. We knew each other a few years ago as we had a mutial friend who passed away. It seems we always liked each other. It seems such a waste to chuck it all away as we have only been together for 3 months. She did just finish with her ex not long before we met again. There has been another ex who she went back to briefly after a few weeks of us dating because she said I was giving mixed signals. But she came back to me and insisted she wanted to be together. Then a few weeks later she went into hospital after having a seizure. She had no money as her bag was stolen so she called her abusive ex to help and he ordered a taxi for her. Unknown to her he had arranged the cab to go back to his house. When she arrived he beat her very badly, there were bruises all over her body.  She since did not see the guy for about a month but last week she did what I said previously. I'm just so unsure where to take this now.

Do you think I should end things with her or just accept that she was honest and told me. I was just thinking that at the start of some relationships it can be messy. OR do you think its time to move on?


March 20, 2020, 12:54:46 PM
Reply #3
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LilyPouille


In my opinion, you need a break from this relationship. She is emotionnaly dependent to you, and that's not good for you both.  I think she needs to realize she needs help for her health (body and mental). She needs to build herself and stop her addictions to be better.
I also think Claire need to go beyond from her ex because he takes too much place in her life. And if she wants to be with you, she needs to take her time to grief from her abusive ex-boyfriend.
There are a lot of love proofs coming from her but those are made to make you stay in the relationship (proposal, being upset over the fact you two might break-up).
My ultimate question is : are you ready to wait for her to get better emotionnaly and support her through? Or do you want to move on because it can be hard and difficult to bear her  future ''break-down''? It's about what you and what you want from this relationship.
Live. Just live.

 

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