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Author Topic: Be great to hear a mans perspective on this, or some wise womans

April 26, 2019, 07:29:17 PM
Read 877 times



God this is long and im sorry. I need a male mind though so if any can lend yours.

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 2 years. He is English and I am Australian. We met on his first working visa and after that finished I quit my job and we traveled overseas together. He then had another working visa in australia but then he had to leave and we applied for a partner visa (gripping story so far I know).

We were apart for 6 months and then I went and joined him again. He is a raft guide and where I joined him he had a huge amount of friends as he is very charismatic and funny but I had got phenomena and the only job I could find near him was cleaning toilets. So needless to say it was a hard time for me. I spent most of my time working and cleaning toilets and coughing which is clearly an attractive look. He never wanted to miss a party but I've never been one to stop a guy going out as normally that give me a little "me time" where I can have a glass of wine and watch greys anatomy but over there it just felt lonely. One night he went out and never came home, I just woke up and realized he had never returned and I had no messages on my phone. It felt pretty bloody awful. He showed up at my work at 12 the next day. I was upset with him and he was like, I can't believe you got upset that I got drunk on my birthday (he had a birthday party but I couldn't go as I was working till 11pm). I said, I don't care how much you drink. It bothered me that you never texted me to tell me you were not coming home.

Now I trust him, and the area we were in was rural so I do believe that he got drunk his phone got flat and he got stuck in an area where he just had to stay the night....but yeah it hurt. I said I think I wanted to go home but he was like no stay i'm sorry my ex was really psychotic and controlling so I sometimes stay out to 4am and just i love you and we should work on this and blah blah.

We then moved on traveling still and he was a little impatient with me at times which started to wear me down and by this time I really missed my family. My partner doesn't like his family and so never goes to the uk and has just traveled around with no fixed base for 7 years. I once said 'if anything happened to you I would go home to my family and friends to recover but where would you go?" He said "i don't need anybody".

Anyway then we ended up in nepal which was really hard. This girl we had known and gone out with the night before took her kayak out and got pinned and drowned. Then my friends dad died, my sisters friend I knew from school committed suicide, my ex boyfriends mum died and my good friend at 33 got diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer. I also had not job as I wasn't allowed to work in nepal and ben was pressing me to find us jobs elsewhere as he felt he was always the one making decisions but in truth I just wanted to go home and re group but I didn't want to leave ben alone. So I started drinking, like a lot, even in the day, I decided to become a writer as I couldn't work and thought I was ernest fucking hemmingway or something. If ben told me to slow down or not to I would literally go to the fridge and take a shot as it was my only form of control. My partner clearly hated it which is understandable, a drunk person not being as stoic as he is can be clearly unappealing but i said to him, i need to go home can't you see what this is doing to me? So he agreed and I left him and went home.

I went home and started to take care of myself, drinking less or hardly at all. I got 2 jobs and started studying and I went to visit my mps to try and push for this visa to get my partner over here. It was taxing on us. The visa stuff was really stressful as my partner was asked to account for all his vagabond lifestyles and needing police checks and the forms were draining and hard. I tried to do as much as I could for him but really our texts became mainly about the visa. And he said he didn't want the visa to consume our relationship. But it was hard because all the forms were his forms and he wasn't filling them out so I was having to contact him to remind him about deadlines and ask him what his grandmas city of birth was as I didn't know as i've never met the dear woman.

SO...(congrats if you are male and still reading). I called him and said that with long distance we needed to make sure we communicated more and he agreed but he sounded flat. So I would try very hard to send him loving and funny messages inbetween the visa stuff we had to do. Finally he said, you have no idea how much this visa stuff is getting me down and I don't even know when I'm going to see you again. Can you just let me know when the last form has been uploaded?

I said yes and then I uploaded it and let him know. He responded with, by messanger, I think we need a break the relationship hasn't been good for a while. I was like maybe we should talk. So we called and I asked him if he wanted to break up, he said no. He said though I do not want to go out with the girl that was in Nepal. I said i'm sorry about nepal but I also struggled with norway but I have been trying so hard and making so much effort and he said 'yes i know i've been shit'. So i said on this break do you want to see other people?, he said no. So I said so do we just not talk to eachother?, he said no.

So I said ok. 7 days past and I felt like hell. I would like to say i was all I love myself I'm invincible but I love this guy and I knew I couldn't go on in purgatory and all signs were pointing to him wanting to leave. You know if a guy wants to message you he will, if he wants a break thats a sign. So the bravest thing I could do was email him and say I'm going to cancel the visa as this is no good. I informed him that he would have to cancel it and to let me know as after that I would have to go humble pie to the mps office to make it official.

He responds with - no i love you, you are still my favorite person in the world my feelings for you haven't changed. Have you cancelled the visa, our relationship means more to me than an email, at least let the visa go so that I can come and say goodbye?

So then I didn't know what to think, did he just want the visa, even though we need to be partnered to be on it, so I said. Ok give me time to process i'll get back to you. But it took me a couple of days and then I said 'i'm sorry for the delay but i'm a bit confused and bit angry with you to be honest but i'm getting over it'

He says - I hate you are angry with me but i understand, no rush.

Then I didn't hear from at all. So i wrote 'ok lets let this thing ride. I don't want to talk about the relationship or the visa but I do want to communicate every few days with something about our days or something funny'

He says - that sounds wonderful!

So I wait, not long but 2 days and nothing. I honestly expected more, like at least to acknowledge the hell he put me through and now i'm not sure if its me or the visa he wants or if he doesn't know.

What I do know is i feel like the walking dead. I cry, i'm hardly eating, i'm grieving a loss i'm not sure is a loss. (i haven't told him any of this of course'. I am trying all this self love bullshit but its really hard when you are not eating and just waiting and aching for a message from someone you feel like you don't really know is there anymore.

And here it is men the grand finale. My entire point.

I don't want to give him an ultimatum as I hear men don't like that, and I just said that I don't want to talk about the relationship but I need something. Some sign he loves me or cares or is making an effort but how do I get that message across. I honestly feel like I am dating brandon stark only if he was actually really funny sometimes.

So i messaged him today and said 'hi, I think we should chat today, could you please get to a place where you have decent reception for 20 minutes or so. And then let me know when you are available, thanks'

But i'm fucking terrified. Do I just say, i just thought it would be good to chat as i'm finding i'm out of practice sending you the kind of messages i normally would.

Or - Can you give me a reason that I should not cancel this visa. I feel your complete lack of contact is damaging. When our relationship was at its most vulnerable, long distance dealing with stressful visa you got a chisel and a hammer and jammed it into a crack and it feels broken beyond repair. But I want to be able to move on with my life. Its going to suck saying goodbye but I don't want to live in limbo land with brandon stark the three eyed raven. If you do think we should go for the visa then why?

Or men out there, are they both wrong? - what should I say. I kind of wish I hadn't said that i wanted to chat as all the internet bullshit says just 'no contact rule' but I think that is bullshit when a visa is on the line and it means I can't decide to move on or stay in the land of uncertainty.

If anyone has bothered to read this a response on how I should respond next would be great. I love him and want him to want to be with me. But urgh..I am tired.

May 02, 2019, 02:16:12 PM
Reply #1

Jaque Larson

I know it’s easy to be an outsider and say, “just lose the bugger,” but I also know how hard it is to let go of love (or at least the illusion of love). This fellow doesn’t seem to be too keen on anything beyond the possibility of obtaining the visa or whatever, I’m sorry to say. You seem like a nice girl, spend some time on yourself and maybe find someone who’s into you for YOU. Good luck, cheers!


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