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Author Topic: 15.5 yrs and I don’t know what to do...

March 24, 2020, 07:36:08 PM
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Ejdubinsky


We got together at 18. I lied about a picture and he said that that meant I was a liar forever. We got our first place at 19 and then that’s when he became really mean... but I stayed. This is when he said I couldn’t go here or there he accused me of cheating while I was at work. He would apologize and I would stay. Then he said I wasn’t allowed to smoke cigarettes so I lied and still did just not around him. Then 4 yrs in he was taking my money and I worked 1hr from home and was worried about not having gas money. I got a credit card in his name just for gas. I didn’t tell him because of his controlling nature. He found out and mind you I was making sure it was paid every month. He went ballistic. In 2007 we bought our house. Again he had gotten worse with calling me names hitting me and demanding sex... he says it never happened the way I say though. He broke my phone because I didn’t answer because I was sleeping. He started drinking a lot and blames me because I make his life so miserable. I got to where I felt so nasty and horrible I went on a kinda date with another guy and it felt good for someone to treat me so nice. I did not sleep with him or go home with him I did kiss him. My boyfriend found out and I paid a price for this. We worked it out and it has been 5yrs but he is constantly throwing it in my face that I am a whore and a cheater. Also before I went on the date I caught him at our other property in the woods in the morning naked washing with a jug of water. Later than day a girl blew up his phone saying what a great night they had. He said it was fake and he paid her $50 to do it to make me upset. So now he gets really drunk everyday and comes home and calls me every name you can think of and says I am the one causing all the problems. I don’t flirt with him or show love I don’t touch him and make him feel good. Well when sex is demanded it kinda makes you not want it when someone makes you feel disgusting you don’t want it. I am fat and I used to be okay with myself but now I’m not. I ah e been fat since we got together. We have four kids and I take care of everything except he goes to work. He comes home bitches yells degrades me and then goes to his ps4. He will keep me up bitching until 3 am making me sleep on the floor he squeezes my belly hard and I have fibromyalgia and other health problems. I am on a narcotic 2x a day plus other meds so it’s not like I am making it up. I don’t know how to train my mind to want to flirt or even try and be sexy. I have every other thing about the household goi through my mind plus the kids. Now he won’t speak to me it has been 3 days since his last huge blow up which I said something wrong so dinner went all over the wall and he smashed a dish. But I need to fix it by loving on him. Oh and I have been having female problems since the last child and I’ve been on my period 3 weeks now and he is pissed about that. I had a csection hemorrhaged had a surgery to stop the bleeding then 2 months later another surgery. Any advice or other questions to help me please please comment ty. I am also 33 and so is he.

March 27, 2020, 01:22:05 AM
Reply #1
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Tony


Hey Ejdubinsky

I can understand him getting upset about taking out a credit card in his name. That's borderline fraud despite the fact you are married.

However, what you are describing is domestic violence, but physical and emotional. You are describing a narcissistic personality, it is all about their wants, their needs their desires with no regard for your feelings. Alternatively it could be guilt manifesting itself within him making him outburst as a diversionary tactic from his own affairs, but from what you describe it is the former. The throwing a tantrum is a tactic to get you to do what he wants and ultimately subservient. This doesn't excuse it and no one should live through this. My personal viewpoint is that if someone raises a hand, regardless the marriage is over. No excuses at all.

What I would suggest is contact a family violence hotline ask their advice, and take out an apprehended violence order with the police. Take your kids and going somewhere safe, if you have family go there. Get away, break contact and don't look back.

I'm not sure how the laws in your area work, but I would imagine he is required to provide some level of monetary support for his children. You can then focus on your career and your family. Doing so you will develop some level of self esteem, confidence and sense of self worth.

No one should put up with being treated like that. It isn't healthy or sustainable and it will only get worse.


March 30, 2020, 12:51:47 AM
Reply #2
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quan9309


Hi Ejdubinsky,

I would like to point out all the facts that may cause him to become a person like this.

What you do:                                                                  What he see about you:                                                   What he have done:
1) You lied about a picture                                               1) He said that that meant you will be a liar forever   
                                                                                     2) He accused me of cheating while you were at work         2) He wont let you go out
3) He said no cigarettes, you lied and you did smoke         
4) You got a credit card in his name without him knowing  4) He found out & lose trust in you                                     
5) You didnt answer you phone coz you are sleeping                                                                                                5) He broke your phone
6)                                                                                                                                                                        6) He start drinking and blame                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    .                                                                                                                                                                                you for all this
7) He went on a date but he say this is fake         
8) You went for a date                                                     8) He found out                                                                8) He start to acknowledge that
                                                                                                                                                                                you are really a whore & lier
9)                                                                                                                                                                         9) He comes home bitches yells
                                                                                                                                                                                degrades you, keep you up
                                                                                                                                                                                bitching until 3 am making
                                                                                                                                                                                you sleep on the floor he
                                                                                                                                                                                squeezes my belly hard
10) you said something wrong                                                                                                                               10) He smash a dished and
                                                                                                                                                                                didnt talk to you for 3 days

[Theory] No smoke without fire. You have to understand that what he is right now, both of you have the responsible for that. Both of you are wrong for what you have done and didn't deal with those problems properly.

[Theory] I think there are 3 things that you 2 need to have in order to rebuild a good relationship. Good communication, Trust in each other and Love that can accept each other past.

[Theory] Relationship is like a clock, it can always return to the origin position but it is no more yesterday. Both of you have to know that those action in the past has already cause the wound and leave a lot of scars (Mainly is emotionally & mentality). Even if all problems have been solved, do remember that those scars takes time to heal. The deeper the scar, the longer it take to heal.

[Action] Dig out & understand the past, Acknowledge that you and him did something wrong that can cause you and him to be who you are right now (Character, hard temper, Not Trustworthy) , Accept them and Resolve them.

[Theory] Solve emotion problems before you solve a physical problem. Get a good mood before dealing with life problem.

[Action] Soft approach, write a card and give it to him. The card is mainly emotional, not talking about solving problem yet. The card include you are sorry for what you have done, you understood that you are indeed cause him to become who he is right now. You still love him and willing to solve all this problems slowly but steadily. If he is touched by this, you can sit down with him in a quiet place with just 2 of you. Talking calmly, bring out all the past, explain why you did that without blaming the other party, apologies for that and promise that you wont do that ever again. Hope this works.

[Action] Hard approach, I dont really recommend this unless thing go insane. Break up with him but before that, make sure you have done all the preparation. He may hurt you after you told him that. Talk to your families but please dont wake a sleeping wolf. Prepare a camera & a cameraman (definitely NOT you) to record everything. Talk to a lawyer or at least understand how the law works (protect you and accuse him).



March 30, 2020, 01:17:13 PM
Reply #3
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Ejdubinsky


I have tried everything and now it is all about not having enough sex. He says I should be ready to go when he comes home. That he doesn’t get enough and he is wasting his life with me. He should be out there having a wonderful life but instead he is stuck here with me. I try to tell him that when you make someone hate themselves how am I supposed to change in a day and feel sexy and want to have sex. I am up at 6:30 am dealing with kids cleaning shipping handling the bills and I am in college full time. I don’t get to lay down in bed until 11pm and I am so tired I have a lot of medical problems and I am in severe pain most of the day. He will throw at me that I am an old lady and a piece of crap and he should have been with a sexy piece of ass. He says me being overweight doesn’t matter he likes it. I don’t know.

March 30, 2020, 07:29:18 PM
Reply #4
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Tony


Take control and responsibility for yourself. Take the kids and move.


June 15, 2020, 11:42:41 PM
Reply #5
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dylan.of.the.80s


For some years in my marriage, I was being manipulated into thinking I was always at fault making me apologize for every thing that goes wrong in the marriage. This continued until my mom came to spend some time in my home and saw all I was passing through in the hands of my ex. She wasn't comfortable with it and she told me how she felt but I snugged it out to the wind but deep down I needed to provide a solution. I had so many suspicions about her which I confronted her about but she denied all. The suspicions grew worse week after week till I couldn't take it anymore, so I decided to do something different which was to break out of the marriage but I couldn't until I get proofs of my suspicions and file a divorce case against her. I got in touch with a female hacker who has a good record of helping a lot of people I know through her mail sphinx.coderaven at gmail dot com and to my amazement she did a good job exposing my ex completely which confirmed my suspicions. Three months later I completed my divorce case which felt a lot better.  I strongly recommend her to anyone. Her ethical services are topnotch